A well balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Billy Connolly

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Unknown

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Unknown

The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

Voltaire

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller