I want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three o'clock this morning? - Who? Nobody, and that's my complaint.

Groucho Marx

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Unknown

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Unknown

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Mark Twain

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld