The
results of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced and they're
not pleasant!
The
contest invites writers to submit the worst possible first line of what we assume
is an imaginary novel.
This
year's winner was Jim Gleeson, with the following entry:
Gerald
began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of
his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption,
not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next
ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to
pee.
The
runner up was from Scott Palmer.
The
Barents sea heaved and churned like a tortured animal in pain, the howling wind
tearing packets of icy green water from the shuddering crests of the waves, atomizing
it into mist that was again laid flat by the growing fury of the storm as Kevin
Tucker switched off the bedside light in his Tuba City, Arizona, single-wide trailer
and by the time the phone woke him at 7:38, had pretty much blown itself out with
no damage.
The
awards also have subject sections:
In
the Adventure category:
As
the hippo's jaws clamped on Henry's body he noted the four huge teeth badly in
need of a clean, preferably with one of those electric sonic toothbrushes, and
he reflected that his name would be immortalized by his unusual death, since hippo
killings are not a daily occurrence, at least not in the high street of Chipping
Sodbury.
Tim Lafferty
The
Winner in the Children's Literature category:
Danny,
the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning,
his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had
encountered the day before.
Dave McKenzie
The
Winner in the Detective category:
I'd
been tailing this guy for over an hour while he tried every trick in the book
to lose me: going down side streets, doubling back, suddenly veering into shop
doorways, jumping out again, crossing the street, looking for somewhere to make
the drop, and I was going to be there when he did it because his disguise as a
postman didn't have me fooled for a minute.
Bob Millar
The
Winner in the Fantasy Fiction category:
Lady
Guinevere heard it distinctly, a sharp slap, as if a gauntlet had been thrown,
and yet it was hardly plausible that she, perched delicately on the back of her
cantering steed, should be challenged to ride faster, since protocol determined
that Arthur should ride in front, then she, then Lancelot, for that was the order
prescribed by Merlin, ever since he invented the carousel.
Celine Shinbutsu
The
Winner in the Historical Fiction category:
Samson
looked in the mirror and, when he saw what a fantastic haircut Delilah had given
him, he went weak at the knees.
Neil Prowd
The
Winner for Romance:
As
her quivering lips met his, and her eyelashes fluttered softly on his sweating
cheek, Dr Robbins reflected, "I didn't realize she had upper dentures . .
. in fact, her slippery plastic palate reminds me of going down a waterslide that
hasn't been properly chlorinated, as evidenced by the distinct nitrous and sulfurous
emanations, or could it be sinus trouble?"
Philip Bateman
The
Winner for Science Fiction:
What
a pity Dave was too young to have seen "2001: A Space Odyssey," for
he might have been able to predict what would happen next, when the ape standing
next to the big black slab picked up the tapir bone.
Ann Medlock
The
Winner in the Western category:
The
easy and comforting roll of the saddle was second nature to Luke, and as he gazed
off into the distant setting sun, he wondered whether he had enough change for
one more ride at the supermarket before he had to return to the home.
Glenn
Lawrie
There
are many more, including the runners up in all of the sections, and dishonorable
mentions at:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
1st
August 2007
