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March 2016

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

The Left To Right Butter Spreaders On Toast Of South Texas, Big Bend Branch, Capricorn and Sagittarius Horoscope Of The Year 2014

Horoscope At The End Of The Rainbow Award, Red And Orange sections, March 2015

The Aries Don't Invest With Bernard Madoff Let Us Tell You Why Horoscope Of The Year, February 2002

The Walt Disney Corporation Celebratory Court Summons For Copyright Violation Of A Disney Copyright Character In A Horoscope, Sagittarius 2008, 2009, 2010, 2012 and 2015

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

A dongle, a woggle, or possibly even a juggle are all perfectly starred for any recreational activity, but beware anyone who comes to your door wearing or selling or performing any of these things.

Actions speak louder than most words, but not all words. This month you are set to discover two or more of these 'go-getty just use them and no need to do anything else' words. Enjoy.

A horse cantering, galloping, but not jumping, or a set of octuplets, are set to enter a dream on about the 16th. Resist all temptation to feed either with a bottle of milk or tempt their hungry lips with your own nipple.

This month your destiny is in the hands of a Taurean with too much weight around his belly.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

All arty Aries, who still write with a feather quill, are at significant risk of running out of ink more than twice this month. Ensure stocks of ink are replenished immediately because this month there is a lot of artfully inscribed penmanship ahead.

Hearty laughter and 'mini wees' are both set to be suggested to you by a life coach you have hired to help in a personal development program. The eureka type discovery of the benefit of 'mini wees' will change your life. (Yes, a 'mini wee' differs from a normal length wee in that you train your bladder to wee for just five seconds at a time. You can, of course, return to have another 'mini wee' but only after at least ten minutes - this will train you to enjoy everyday luxuries you take for granted - Might be best to keep a spare couple of pairs of underpants ready especially in the early training days of this controversial Jupiter endorsed plan.)

This month your destiny comes in the form of a cyclical downturn.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

A small old gray haired lady on a bicycle is dinging her bell at you as she approaches slowly from behind. She is approaching on a sidewalk, or path, and either you move or she will slowly stop peddling and fall off. The choice is yours.

Whilst perhaps not accurate to every single detail, this dinging bells from behind analogy is the best way of explaining the attitude to Jupiter and Saturn to all Cancerians this month. Be on your guard, but danger is literally everywhere. Those Cancerians who already fear the sound of dinging bells could well choose to spend more time in bed.

There is some good news waiting for you in the form of a Buffalo. Perhaps you know what we are talking about, perhaps not. Mars may have a plan that might just work.

The swishing of a knife back and forth on one of those sharpening what look like a leather belt they have in the barbers or expensive eateries, will provide moments of joy around the 6th, perhaps during or after a luncheon or meal.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Following on from last month's problems with eggs and bacon, meat substitutes will now become your primary source of eating angst. An eating establishment at which you have been enjoying your vegetarian chicken-type tasting meals for the last five years or so are set to make news locally as the chicken-like substitute you have been enjoying is sometimes, but not always, actually chicken and isn't a substitute at all. Legal action is probably pointlessly expensive so shouting at the chef is your only hope. Neptune is set to provide a weakness in the chef's joie d'vivre around the 17th, so get him then.

You are about to discover a mint confection that will change your life. Trouble is you won't be able to stop talking about it. Is the mint the life changing thing, or is it the boring of others about it that is important this month? Only you and Saturn can square the circle on this riddle this month.

This month your destiny is strictly no frills.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

"Oooh you look gorgeous!", "Best dressed Gemini since the Great Depression 1929-35", "Even Laurel and Hardy never looked that good", are all well deserved back handed compliments you will be offered this month.

Rabbits are well starred, especially on the 14th with Jupiter keen to impress on you the value of their kind licky grins - feed them well on this date and they will explain to you a money making venture the animal kingdom has been trying to communicate to human kind for the last 5 years. This really could be that life changing money making venture you have been looking for.

Beware pots falling from tall buildings on the 6th.

This month your destiny will be flaccid for much of the time.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

The huge risk you took last month may be about to pay dividends, or it may not be. Jupiter is undecided. Mars is keen to pay out. Saturn is keen you should fail in your venture. Let the planets fight it out - enjoy long lay-ins and take all economic news as a joke at which you should laugh heartily and at length, especially from television stations that have a C in their name.

Is it time for a change? The stars suggest now could be the time, or the time could be another time.

A large animal is about to try to fight a smaller animal who bases his moves on Conor McGregor. Now might be the time to practice your getting your video recorder on your new phone to go into focus quickly to make oodles of money on your video platform of choice..

This month your destiny shares a toilet with a hot bottomed fat man.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

As you have often pondered, Libra is the only star sign with the word bra hidden in the name. This is about to become a serious problem for all non-cross dressing Libra men out there. Man boobs are about to become a particular concern, and perhaps the invention of a man boob bra could tip you over the edge. For women Librans, it's a 'ho hum' month.

The initially optimistic, Obama inspired, phrase "Yes I can, but..." is set to pepper this month with just the right amount of legally hedged optimism.

A baby worm is about to make itself known to you or a smallish member of your extended family.

Your destiny has an under funded optimistic agenda.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

A coincidence, or maybe just a strange incidence, is set to restrain joy for much of the month.

Garlic, silver bullets and red painted star-like diagrams on the floor will add a new dimension to your housekeeping endeavours.

Fruit is about to give you a well needed message. This message could come in the form of a choking fit, a zinging-zap of pain in a cracked lip from a citrus fruit, or possibly just mild bowel cramps. The choice is out of your hands. Pick your fruit carefully and probably best to peal it yourself until well into twilight of the 18th, or when Jupiter is out of sight.

This month your destiny has cataracts in all the right places.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

At last, your losing streak is about to lead to new, profitable, opportunities!

Embrace those who berate you, they are merely enraptured in the sweet moment of Pluto inspired poetic insults as the planet takes control of their jaws. (Pluto's poetic phase will ultimately be to your advantage.)

Sunglasses should be worn sparingly after dark on the 7th as they will look especially pretentious at that time, or possibly even give the comical impression that you have forgotten you have them on.

This month your destiny is taking a well deserved saunter down a lane of optimism.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Saturn is determined that you and your family hear all the expletives deleted from MTV programs this month. Why Saturn has it in for you like this is uncertain. Offer a sacrifice of a giant chocolate chip cookie to Saturn, along with a glass of milk to Neptune on the 6th to see what happens. If the planets do not accept your offer, consume the items yourself before the milk gets warm, and begin work on another plan.

Caravaggio, pizza, and chips are all well starred this month, especially in Rome, Italy, and Venice, Nebraska. Avoid the fish soup in Florence, Italy/California/Mexico, until the 18th when Saturn is set to hide the croutons out of reach.

This month your destiny is apt to illusory manias.

 

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

OH STOP IT! You are only pretending to be fed-up with the positive comments about your chiseled physique, handsome features, money making acumen and home-building skills.

This month your critics will be hampered by an intricate plot hatched by Jupiter and Mars in November last year involving Gemini and vegetables. Just enjoy being you!

Rolling, sliding and smashing through light wooden scenery from a local theatre are all plausibly starred.

Hercules, Zeus and Achilles are all mythical characters set to offer their advice in unexpected ways this month.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Tartan throws are set to make this month zing with daring do in a comfy reassuring Scottish kind of way...

Either when in a supermarket, a hospital or in other assorted newsworthy circumstances, throwing things over your head accurately under pressure will secure for you a heroic status usually limited to those who land failing commercial airlines in the river saving the lives of all on board.

What could be a brick, or possibly the word 'frick', are set to pepper this month with meaning - the charts are a bit ambiguous after the 2nd.

Your destiny seems to be wearing the pink party frock of the poorly advised hippopotamus again this month.



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