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June 2016

     

EXCLUSIVE: This month includes your Alpha, Beta and Omega readings!

 

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Dog Association of New Zealand Pedigree Dog In A Horoscope 2013

'Balloonists Do It In A Basket' Witty Type Phrase Or Motto Of The Year In A Horoscope, May 2015

Uranus and Chippendale Male Strippers In A Horoscope March 2015, Taurus and Capricorn

The Indecisive Society's Nominated Then Not Nominated Then Nominated Again For Horoscope Of The Year 2012 And Then Changed To 2013


We have been emitting love to the planets using meditation and low hummy sounds from our mouths since 1963

 

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

You are right to mistrust your instincts at times, however you are wrong to mistrust them all the while this month. Whilst it is true that the accuracy of your instinct will be down to about 5% at times this June, it will also rise to 22.76% for a while, which is approaching best ever territory.

You are about to experience the walking on dry land equivalent of swimming with dolphins after 6th June, as Saturn transects with Neptune. This moment of enlightenment should be used as inspiration to get all your financial affairs in order and your cable subscription renewed.

This month your Alpha is negative, your Beta is pink and the Omega is waiting for an appointment with the dentists for root canal, so be kind.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

You will rediscover in yourself a sports-like champion strut this month along with a general Jupiter inspired youthful athleticism...

...hurdling, hop-skip-and-jumping, standing-to-standing back flips, will all become suddenly and inexplicably easy for you. Even the sternest of Do Not Try This At Home notices will not serve to temper your desire for daring-do.

The mystery that is known as 'potpourri' is set to be revealed to you in a misfortunate 'knocking over' incident in some elderly persons home or retirement flat. Brace yourself for a time consuming period as you help pick up every increasingly more minuscule piece off the carpet and learn to cope with the overpoweringly flowery perfume.

This month your Alpha is up, your Beta is even higher and your Omega wishes he wasn't born.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

If you have been waiting for the right time to shout and scream at someone or thing, then this June you will have no less than five optimum planetary conjunctions to aid you in your venomous outpourings: Mailmen, plumbers and employees of companies that begin with the letter T, are all so badly starred your victory will be pretty much a speedy and effortless shouty-slam-dunk. Those whom you oppose this month will be reduced to terrified wrecks and will be scared to respond with even as much as a funny look as Saturn sits on your angry Cancerian shoulder.

Wash your face anti-clockwise until the 19th and then clockwise for the rest of the month. All anti-aging products are set to make you look older for most of the time, again.

This month your Alpha is fine, it's your Beta that is struggling and your Omega, well, hardly worth mentioning it.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

A new beginning, or possibly a new ending, or maybe a bit of both, is in prospect this month. Yes, the planets are being annoyingly vague, but the stars certainly look like they have something up their celestial sleeves for you in the coming months (probably better be prepared for another white rabbit to look after as it mysteriously appears out of nowhere).

Chocolate muffins and iced donuts are particularly well starred especially if you have kept to any diet. Indeed, as a reward for your dieting excellence, Jupiter has decided to reward you with an 'eat all you want with no consequences' day on 14th - on this day, and for this day only, you can eat anything and your weight will not rise.

Strive for cockeyed optimism at all times, and if you get the chance to learn one of those trite World War 2 songs to fill in any pause when standing round the piano while someone runs around trying to find someone who knows how to play it, then do so.

This month your Alpha is down, your Beta is down but your Omega makes up for it all with gusto.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)


Juggling in both the everyday doing multiple things at the same time sense, and the circus type while dressed as a clown with oversized shoes sense, are all well starred this month.

Backward flips off beds or tables are so-so starred but only if you have trained for years, otherwise this horoscope comes with a Do Not Try This At Home Or Anyone Else's Home Either warning.

Hazards involving snake bites or dog bites are normally starred which usually we wouldn't mention but we are up against a deadline and need to fill up this page with new content - June 2016 is going to be a nothing happening month for all of Gemini - learn to sit quietly and wait for July.

This month your Alpha is laughing, your Beta is flummoxed and your Omega is as good as your Gamma.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

After last month's euphoric superheroic exertions you may decide that the time is not yet right to remove the underpants from over the top of your tights - but you would be very very wrong to think this way. Flying, jumping off tall buildings, standing in front of locomotives with your hand out to stop them, are particularly badly starred this month, and, indeed, this is true, once again, going forwards for at least the next 27 years or until Donald Trump becomes president whichever comes first.

Gambling advice: Card games for, say, bottle caps, are highly to very well starred this month, but if money is involved your chances of winning are so bad you might as well consider giving everyone in the room your money and the keys to your car before you start. A quick exit from any money gambling game will not only save you money, it will give you enough free time to remonstrate loudly with any bankers in attendance that you blame for the financial crisis.

A crush you had in High School is about to return in a surprisingly soap opera style fashion - remember how important it is to play tennis with your shirt off at all times.

This month your Alpha is fine, your Beta is OK, and your Omega is disappointing.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

No-stop and limited-pause eating looks set to enliven this month in a pleasantly leading-up-to-getting-obese kind of way. Jupiter, Saturn and Mercury are in a rare alignment that indicates that Libra have no option but to eat lots of fattening foods and carbohydrate laden drinks until everyone without exception in this star sign puts on over 20% of their body weight in just a month.

An annoying noise coming from the basement around midnight on the 21st may only be resolved with much cussing and throwing things. (Note: This noise is probably a Libra binge eating inspired cockroach or rat.)

This month your Alpha is up, your Beta is sideways and your Omega is round and round.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Greet both friends and strangers coming in from the east with caution this month; alternatively, if they come in from the west throw caution to the wind. If you don't see from which direction they come, then assume they came in from the east - be furtive with them whilst looking over their shoulder when you speak.

This month the Himalayas, the mountain range, are mediumly starred as Jupiter strains to get a closer look up until the 9th of the month after which time the planet will lose interest. Best to await until after the 12th to attempt any circumnavigation of any of the mountains, and take oxygen with you especially when going to the lavatory.

This month your Alpha is bad, your Beta is good, your Omega is wavering on the impossible.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

A difficulty is about to be solved in an original, or esoteric, plumage filled way.

Fluffy feathers in particular are highly starred, both as a break for falls and as a means of providing discomfort to those with asthma.

Clicking on ticky boxes on internet forms is about to become highly starred this month after the 17th or whenever Neptune finally works out how to install the wifi box that it had delivered in March.

Running, hopping but not jumping are all well starred.

This month your Alpha is round, your Beta is square and your Omega is misshapen.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

You may be tempted to approach confident sounding unqualified people you have never met for advice this month. Beware in particular asking questions of so called radio talk show experts where there is a growing danger of their need for increased controversy to boost their sagging ratings; do not be tempted to 'up the ante' of your troubles in an effort to make it on air if you cannot maintain this on air when you get there.

Electronic components will fail this month especially when you press buttons. Yes, it really is only you. Get a child under 10 to help press exactly the same buttons in exactly the same way to prove that it is you that is the problem (even other under 10 year old Scorpios are unaffected by your new found electronics disability) - Neptune's frustrated attempts to conjugate with a sexy looking Saturn are to blame for this anomaly.

This month your Alpha is like a rhino, your Beta is like a meerkat and your Omega is like a zoo keeper trying to catch an escaped lion or tiger.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

A jackpot, a small winning, or possibly a pat on the lower back from a grateful person who can't reach your shoulder, are set to pepper this month with feelings of quiet contemplative pleasures.

Quiet contemplation, of course, includes meditation in all of its forms, although it's difficult to see at this point what part it will play in any detail: sitting down in a dark room with your eyes closed is most likely, but so is looking up to the sky and chanting over-and-over things like 'oh for God's sake do something'.

A singsong outside in the sunshine involving beer looks set to pepper an otherwise lacklustre social month.

This month your Alpha is much higher than it should be, your Beta is unnecessarily fraught and your Omega has the hump.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Prospects of legitimately winning a cup, a medal or a plaque this month are high, but, also, did you know, you can easily buy one and get it inscribed? - this, too, is set for a celestially enabled ease that is rare for this kind of transaction.

A bid on an auction site, or possibly an error in which your bank pays you a large amount of money by mistake, is set to make this month wracked with moral turmoil. Take the money and run? Give the money back? It's up to you: Pluto has your back at all times.

A competition involving helmets is favourably starred on Jupiter's plain of influence this month: possibly protective motorbike type helmets, but also entertainment type helmets with funny faces of possibly a pink or bright green monster.

This month your Alpha is brown, your Beta is browner, your Omega is getting more yellow by the day.



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