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January 2016

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Society Of Anti Horoscopes League Of Cruelty 2014 'Horoscope Of The Year'

Sagittarius Deal Or No Deal Sponsored Horoscope 2013

Sugar Free Mystical Horoscope Of The Year 2014

Taurus Bull Awards, Special Stud, 2013

Best Strawberry Ice Cream In A Horoscope Prediction July 2013

Certified 2% Accurate Or Better, July 2015

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

There has been a distinct lack of flamboyance in 2015 and you should look forward to a year of over indulgence and hearty laughter where you will hold your sides for hours while you laugh mercilessly and only slightly hysterically at a glorious miscellany of targets to be provided to you by the planets.

Your plans for the New Year are well laid, even though they may seem to you to be haphazardly planned or maybe even planned by the plan of no plan. Don't worry, just be happy, and suck the marrow out of the bone of life. Failing that just sit in a chair quietly until it passes.

February holds out the prospects of a large windfall and by April the marvelous year you are about to enjoy will be well set in motion, with long cigarette holders and lounge coats firmly starred.

Jupiter wants you to avoid water when possible, and everything with water in it. All humans are about 90% water so take care.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Normal shaped and sized horses are exceptionally well starred until well into noon of the 12th November, however beware: Horses of abnormal sizes and shapes are so badly starred that there is the equivalent of a storm advisory from the weather service, but from the mystic and horoscopes authority, which is set to blow in from the west for most of the first half of the New Year.

Wind is otherwise well starred, as is wind power generally in what could be the precursor to your most environmentally friendly year ever.

Light and shade will vary in danger for most of the year, with darkness beating lightness' badness at times. Beware graveyards and things much bigger than you that go bump in the night.

September could be a time for remonstrations with tax officials and their like.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

The letter 'p' is set to provide moments of unfettered joy this year, although not in January, February, March, July and October where nothing but evil will result.

Dogs with big fluffy ears are initially well starred, but Jupiter begins a transjunct of the Plutonian Mercurial from 8am on the 16th January until well into evensong of the 17th November, which will cause canines of all hues to masticate wildly on your arrival.

A similar situation may occur with people of all hues: stand your ground and refuse to clean up after the merriment has passed.

Jupiter predicts a year filled with piffle.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Hazard warnings have never bothered you very much, especially on building sites and electricity generating plants, however now might be the time to review your views on such things. You have undoubtedly been lucky, and your luck may be about to run out especially on Tuesdays well into July.

Pluto is having ructions with one of its many moons which means that any attempt at becoming a mediator in a dispute is set from poor to disastrous depending on the time of the year. Mostly keep your distance, unless it is your job to mediate, in which case you only have yourself to blame for your career choices way back when.

Your chart for July seems to indicate that you are about to come in for a substantial amount of wealth, or stuff. Be forewarned: set up an Ebay sellers account in a split second to maximise your returns.

'Judge not lest though be judged' is a motto, go figure.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Seasonal fruits and vegetables are set to provide moments of culinary panic through most of the year, as Saturn and Mercury go toe-to-toe. Vegetable seasonality and luck are set to diverge systematically, with strawberries and berry fruits in general offering moments of disaster proneness not seen since 1929.

Beware frugal people in all of their forms and especially those who admit to tipping poorly.

Contempt for the rules in your favourite sport are set to lead you to continued moments of sending off, or reprimands from stewards.

A husband or wife may gain over 20 pounds due to mysterious reasons that can only be explained by secretly placing a camera in the kitchen.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

A Walt Disney type incident with some kind of cute Bambi type animal on a back road, or possibly in a street or built up area, is set to enchant a small person who knows you. This small person might be a child, or a dwarf, or a pet. Ensure you have enough Bambi food in your car at all times and possibly a blanket and bottle of water.

A January sale is set to satisfy your clothing needs for the whole year, especially around the 3rd of the first month - indeed, your sale buying selections may alert the attention of a senior store manager who is both horrified at your sales value acumen and admiring of your money saving abilities rarely seen in a member of the public.

Shorts and short skirts are well starred if Jupiter has his way on the 5th of every month in the year. Wear yellow in thanks for the planets' favourable attention.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

You are going on a journey, according to Neptune, a long journey, possibly one involving sand, hot air and bumpiness. But a journey can, of course, be as much a spiritual one as well as a physical one. It can mean a kind of advancement, of learning. Whatever it turns out to be, take along some apples, and eat them when you feel hungry. Buy more apples along the way and eat them when you are hungry. Apples are a good food to take while traveling both physically, metaphysically and academically because they can also double as something handy to throw at things. Imagine taking along sandwiches - sandwiches are great to eat but throw them and they just disintegrate!

Belly dancing is indicated in your charts in the month of March. Ensure you have built up enough tummy blubber for this dance by eating lots of chocolate and fatty foods.

This year, your destiny suggests a deviation along the tropic of Capricorn.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

A call on a cell phone, or a standard phone, is set to add intrigue into your life for much of May. Running, jumping, but not flying are all highly starred depending on your body weight.

Welding and sewing are both extremely likely around the 17th of each month, apart from July - take this opportunity to catch up with your welding and sewing chores.

You are 25% likely to invent a new cocktail in October. You have a 3% chance of becoming Time magazine's person of the year 2019 for this invention that is set to help the world through a serious economic downturn.

A dog named George deserves a kicking. Kick him with your eyes not your foot.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Pizzas and their fillings and toppings are set to enliven 2016 in ways too numerous to mention. Tomatoes will take on a mysticism not seen in centuries. Onions, too, are about to become something more than just a vegetable to add to stuff. The bottom line is that if you could conceivably put it on a pizza the vegetable or fruit will be lucky and could possibly add a magic to your life not seen since some black and white snowy movie on the television the planets saw recently.

Bangs, but not pops, could well decide your fate around 15th of February, especially if ingredients from a pizza are involved. Choose oranges and lemons in any citrus fruits based emergency.

Tall buildings will provide moments of calm in what will otherwise be quite a stormy year. Live through this one and you can do almost anything.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Wobbling is majorly starred in your charts this year, be it wobbly bridges, wobbly door locks or wobbly in-car bouncy headed dogs - all are set to inspire and annoy in equal measures, as Saturn bides its time.

Jupiter is determined to give you a great 2016 despite your financial charts coming under the influence of a furious Mars. Mars hasn't been this furious with Scorpio since 1876 so watch out.

Brown furnishings continue to be moderately well starred until dusk on the 17th January and then for the rest of the year are fearfully badly starred, a bit like that television series 'Supernatural' but without getting any help from Sam and Dean.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Your brutish Taurean appearance is set to offer many benefits this year, especially if fighting and punching is required to end disputes. If law and order breaks down you have been gifted the ability to triumph over adversity by simply sneering or cocking your eye with disdain, after informing all within earshot you are Taurus.

Blancmanges and jelly (jello) are both well starred, but not in the school party sense. Cures for diseases may well be found in sweet deserts, and you will play your part in this discovery that could make what we at the turn of the year believe to be unhealthy food, into super-super foods that everyone should eat for a healthy life.

Expensive chocolate is well starred especially from Switzerland in a triangular form - Toblerone is Saturn's favourite too.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Fluff is set to make this year zing with disappointment unless you take an early chance to rid the stuff from your life. Belly button fluff in particular is badly starred, especially when electrical appliances are involved.

The danger of attack from behind while driving, which peppered 2015 so frequently, is about to pass. From 17th February you no longer need to check the back seat for people hiding there waiting to attack you as you drive along. You will continue to do so of course because of what has happened to you earlier, but Neptune now has other things on its mind.

2016 will very much be a year to talk the walk as you decide what you are going to do. Make no rash decisions especially while Neptune and Venus are in such a funk from 3rd May to 17th October.



<---December 2015     February 2016--->