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Real Funny Horoscopes

'The Most Accurate
Horoscopes On The Web'

February 2016

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Hairy Bears Bikers Club, Sagittarius Horoscope Of the Year So Far, 2016

Gay Fellowship Of Chicken Pluckers Pink Scatter Cushion For The Accuracy Of Outrageous Predictions 2015

Tortoise Keepers Club, Tortoise In A Horoscope Award, Capricorn November 2013

I Just Don't Believe A Horoscope Can Be This Accurate Award, The Margarine And Butter Alliance of Sydney, Australia 2015

Creative Use Of The Name Jeremy In A Virgo Horoscope Of 2014, The Jeremy Association, Boston

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

All your internet shopping bargain hunting is set to come under the influence of Neptune from the 5th after which time it will temporarily become impossible to buy a non bargain on any web sites in the world. Saturn also has a pleasant surprise in store for you on the 10th when it takes control of payment systems across the world.

Talking to plants is particularly well starred this month, as is dancing for them especially pole dancing, lap dancing but not belly dancing.

Red hats are well starred for most of the month. We are often criticised for saying what our critics claim are 'vague' things like this - no, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to actually wear a red hat but it might.

This month your destiny is in the hands of your harshest critic when completely drunk.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Star crossed lovers are set to bring a Shakespearean twist to your love life this month, beware window ledges or porches in all of their forms - and hats with feathers in them.

A wise decision you made last month is set to pay dividends. This could be a fractionally lower cholesterol reading after eating a lot of fresh fish, or it might be that purchase of technology shares that rose sharply. Whatever good is about to unfold it is well deserved and you should enjoy it to its fullest extent possibly to the nth degree or at least the fth degree.

Saturn's transjunct on the lower bottom is set to undermine any building project you undertake this month - be mindful of the dangers of incorrectly mixed cement or concrete mixture.

Happiness is well starred in the most saccharine, mindless, sunny sense.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Gladiatorial combat is largely starred this month, either in the sword-and-sandles bashing up another person sense or just the watching it on television sense. In either sense, probably best to avoid starchy foods which will only slow you down, or make you want to go to the toilet at the most inconvenient of moments.

You have always distrusted horoscopes after your parents schemed to give you the medical nightmare star sign that is Cancer. Jupiter agrees, but what to do?

Never underestimate the power of slow mono tonal chanting in monk type attire. There is a strangely understated violence to the practice that even Jack Bauer would be intimidated by.

This month your destiny will be determined by the outcome of a small eruption on Neptune's crust.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Your fiery Capricorn temper at the smallest of things is set to increasingly blight your chances to get anything done over the next few years. Count slowly 1 to 10, trying to avoid any added expletives into the count, and let your rage pass. Watch out in particular for danger that you may spark some kind of altercation involving marker pens around coffee break on the 11th.

A chance encounter with a Saturn inspired street urchin, or bum, may set you off on a path of no return. Follow him until you are under the bridge, but no further.

Half-price day-old donuts will once again provide an excuse to delay your healthy eating 'diet' ambitions. Remember, the planets are not in favour of short-term fad diets, you will have to change your eating pattern to make any difference to your weight.

Eggs, but not bacon, are well starred this month. Avoid eating the two together until a local cock crows on the 24th.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

In these lingering credit crunch times retailers are only too happy to accept less than the price they are displaying to get a sale, but to get this you must pretend that you don't really want the thing you are buying and yet there you are trying to buy the thing you don't really want... The trick Saturn seems keen to teach this month is that for best results never take 'no' for an answer. This month you will also learn the hard way not to take 'the store is closing at 9pm' for an answer either - if the police have to carry you from the building keep up the indifference at all times for best results - try not to chant slogans unless the media are on hand.

Donkeys are well starred this month. That, of course, is the furry four legged animal type of donkey and not anyone that you may have named Donkey for reasons known only to yourself.

A crusty loaf of bread will provide moments of lip tingling satisfaction around the 6th.

Cooking asparagus is ill starred as Jupiter transects the darker side of the moon.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

This might or might not be the best month in a long while to take a huge risk. The uncertainty is being caused by a small gale on the upper mid side of Jupiter's lower eastern flank which is set to blow for much of the month. The best advice we can offer is to put off life changing decisions until the Jupertian wind clears early in March, but perhaps take the odd very small risk to keep up the practice.

This year is now firmly set on a positive course that is the envy of all the other star signs, apart from Taurus. Be happy, laugh freely and feel unencumbered by economic woes.

Trampolining and large red noses are perfectly starred, as are trips to the supermarket, especially the fresh foods areas.

This month your destiny is like a ripe peach about to be bitten into for the first time with a new set of teeth.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

As you sometimes pride yourself, Libra are the know-it-all star sign. This month Saturn is on side to give you free rein to show off your intimate knowledge of loads of stuff to people who just haven't got a clue.

Software development in particular is set to encroach on your spare time after you accidentally click on a link in an e-mail from Microsoft accidentally sent to you by a developer working on a secret project. You will initially be flummoxed by what is known in the trade as 'an uncaught exception'. You will soon learn that not catching them can cause catastrophic failures in anything you try to do on your computer, and may be something to do with the problems banks are having at the moment - your guess really is as good as theirs.

On the 18th you will be drawn to a happy person who is determined to give you a treat.

This month your destiny is linked inextricably to that of your nearest public laundrette.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Your battering-ram style approach to problem solving does have its drawbacks, however it certainly will provide exciting anecdotes to spice up your autobiography, or your book on 'winning management techniques'. You might try to consider other people's feelings some of the time, because in Saturn's current mood it is pretty likely that you will soon need the help of someone who you have recently 'batter-rammed'.

Yes, watch out, Saturn is trying to trip you up this month. Your only hope is for Neptune to come to your rescue with a cosmic sweeping brush.

A new sport, or a new dangerous way of playing an old sport, is set to pepper this month with excitement to all Pisces not, yet, in a plaster cast.

This month your destiny has the ears of a goat, but the tongue of a beauty queen.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

This month you will never be more than 30 minutes away from a top hat and tails musical rendition of 'Me and my shadow'. Getting the dance steps right now will pay dividends later.

A 'storm in a teacup' is a nicely English type way of saying that there may be moments of sudden small scale torment up until 16th of the month, by which time the main danger should be confined to the bathroom by blocking the door with a large cupboard or wardrobe.

Generally, nature programs on the television can be considered safe territory at least for you. Ironically, the poor calf that's about to be eaten by a lion on your nature program is also Sagittarius.

This month your destiny wears the shoes of a ten pin bowler and the matching hat of a desperate man.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

'Let them wait' will be your motto this month. Keep to this and you will increase your accuracy ten fold, even though your actual productivity will reduce staggeringly. Don't worry, nobody will notice.

Cake, cookies and chocolate are so well starred this month that you may be tempted to consume enormous quantities of them. Beware, however: Neptune has its eye on an exercise plan for you later in the year that could make your veins pop if you are too overweight. (Remember, Neptune is zillions of miles away and can't actually see your overweight physique, even though it can make you do things you would rather not do.)

Generally wet and windy is a typical weather forecast in some parts of the world, however it is particularly apt as a prediction for your star sign this month.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

A strange Harry Potter type incident involving an owl with a message attached to one of its legs will add a moment of both extreme excitement and anguish as feathers fly like you have just come across some kind of real life Tom and Jerry animal fight. Read the message the owl reluctantly gives you carefully. It wasn't meant for you, but finders keeper as they say in some parts of the world. Act on this message carefully.

A crash course in economics theory is all that stands between you and financial oblivion this month. Read any modestly relevant textbook with well thumbed pages for advice.

A shameful incident from your teen years involving a fish and some gym shoes is set to come back to haunt you.

This month your destiny is on holiday and won't be back until the 19th of March.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

'Hot and crispy' is a phrase you are set to hear repeatedly this month. Pizzas, fried chicken, even toast, are all particularly indicated in your celestial charts.

A book is waiting to be bought by you on an internet site that is set to change your life. But which one is it? Jupiter is adamant that you should discover it for yourself, Neptune and Uranus both want to provide help. Expect little incidents to enter your consciousness this month as the planets attempt to guide your book buying life changing preferences, or not as the case may be.

A bottle of moisturiser you bought in the hope that it would reduce ageing on your face is defective and is making you look older. Take it back at once and demand a refund using your newly crumpled brow to good effect.

This month your destiny has toothache.



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