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April 2016

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Tip Top Predictions Magazine Horoscope Of The Year, Taurus January, 2019

Primates Club Of Cambridge, Paris, Monkey In A Horoscope, Gemini, February 2015

Jazz Piano Schmoozey Horoscope Of The Year, 2014

Too Scarily Accurate To Be True Podcast, Sagittarius, November 2015

 

We have been available for dancing nakedly over flame since 1963

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Uranus has a problem this month. If looked at from afar all looks to be well in the celestial heavens. But it isn't. Uranus is troubled and because of this all is not well for Aquarius everywhere.

Uranus's problems are many and varied and all of them will determine your life in some way this month. Credit difficulties, debit difficulties, short selling, long selling, fat selling and drop selling are all badly starred.

Driving North to South, but not South to North, is well starred all month so those on a Northerly one way journey are in for a treat, those going the other way will be bowed by problems and planetary pummellings.

This month your destiny will be like tepid potatoes left in the saucepan water after boiling.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Constantinople, Istanbul, Orlando, are all foreign sounding place names set to provide moments of travel based angst this month. Beware travel representatives and their minions for much of the month, especially those with clipboards well filled with yellow forms.

Tripping over random objects left on the carpet, either where you live or elsewhere, will bring an Olympic quest type challenge to your life this month, and for much of May. Mars suggests walking around objects rather than somersaulting head-over-heals over them as if to impress someone you wish to woo. Leave your woo-wishing dreams to Jupiter who has advanced plans to break you.

Homoerotica in all of its colours and angles is set to provide an erotic undertone to a moment of telephone madness around the 6th.

This month your destiny is in charge of hot to medium minty soft candies.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Is it possible that a small heirloom you have forgotten about but is in the back of a cupboard or drawer, is set to make this month zing with interplanetary supernatural well being? The answer in short is maybe...

Neptune is attempting to provide you with war time, or at least 1930's-40's type, money saving tip advice and the use of old artefacts from relatives past is a neat way of getting the advice across on your plane of reality and at the same time has a good prospect of scaring the willies out of you if it all goes wrong. Beware old cigarette lighters, pendants of goats, and pearly things until well into dusk of the 27th.

Your use of expletives is set to increase 5.34% this month as Saturn hyperventilates.

Your destiny will take the form of a pudding filled with raisins but not sultanas.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn are the saint and sinner sign. Critics of the planets, of which there are surprisingly a large number, say this is just horoscopists hedging their bets. But on the positive side it means that you are free to be both a goody two-shoes and a complete bastard in the blink of an eye, or even you can force someone else to blink their eye for you if you are particularly evil. That's the beauty of being Capricorn!

This month whichever lifestyle, that of hero or villain, you have chosen, you will exceed expectations in all parameters that can measure such 'success'.

Skulduggery and pirating on the mainland are particularly well starred, especially on Wednesday afternoons well into the third quarter of 2016.

This month, your destiny is flat on its back in a sunny grassy field.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Irritation and irritants are the watchwords throughout your Gemininian April. Mohair, itchy moustaches and greasy food will all collide on your celestial irritation chart to provoke you into action...

Smashing your fist on glass tables not hard enough to go through them, slamming doors just enough so that they bang but don't fall off the wall hinges, and screaming at the top of your voice but without scaring small children or babies, are in prospect.

This month you are at a 5% chance of being slapped in the face with a wet fish.

Your destiny wears the tight shorts of an overeager teenage cheerleader.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Not many days go by without some person who knows you dropping to their knees and worshiping the ground in front and saying "We are not worthy." This will continue this month and well into the foreseeable future.

Leo is the only star sign that almost rhymes with Hero, and there is a reason for this: Saturn loves ya baby! and has your back in all heroic endeavours you choose, or those that are chosen for you by others. There is nothing you cannot do, nothing you cannot sing and nothing you cannot achieve to budget and on time.

Cataclysm or cataclysmic may be the words you are looking for in a crossword or word puzzle on the 10th.

An old man is determined to show you a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to water pursuits after lunch on the 21st.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

After last month's realisation that Libra is the only star sign with the word 'bra' in it, comes the downside. It is also the only star sign (of two) that has the word 'lie' almost in it (Aries is the other one - Gemini and Pisces also have it but they are not adjacent letters so don't count, and Virgo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Cancer, Capricorn have just one letter). [When will these patterns ever end?] This month, lies and untruths in all of their shapes, colours and volumes, will pepper an otherwise only so-so month.

Yachting, windsurfing and moist beach posing are all well starred as long as you have the weather for it, if you don't they are poorly to badly starred.

1970s disco dancing might be about to make a comeback. Certainly the fashion styles are finally coming back, so that 70's style brown T-shirt you bought in the late 90's is about to be in fashion. (Did you know: Jupiter and Saturn both have Saturday Night Fever as their favourite disco movie of all time!)

Your destiny is trying to fruit, let it ripen.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Good advice that you have ignored in times past by using the method of putting your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and saying to yourself "I'm not listening", are set to provide trouble this month - You should have listened to a rant inspired by Jupiter around the 6th of March... Batten down the hatches, economic uncertainties are about to become the least of your worries...

Another thing that you ignored in February is also set to return with much fanfare. The charts show there is a danger of flooding, or at least wetness. Try not to be cornered.

And another thing you half heard in January is set to come back to haunt you too!

Be on guard throughout the month for missiles up to and including the size of a cooking apple.

This month your destiny wears the in-ear headphones of a Piscean who enjoys flamboyant dance moves when they listen to music on their headphones.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

The Sagittarius star sign finds it impossible to throw things away. Their junk room is pretty much taking over their whole house, their whole life, and they laugh openly and at length in the faces of those who try to tell them to get rid of stuff. But they have a planetary inspired plan.

Communal recycling has always been a mystery to this star sign. Surely, they all say, people can reuse plastic bottles and make them into useful things - such as pots for plants or containers for earrings? Surely old newspapers can be mashed up and moulded into papier machie for a creative crafting session?

If Pluto has its way this month, now is the time for Sagittarius to end their anti-recycling, for that is really what they are suffering from. It is time to embrace cleansing trips to the recycling dump and baths in which you let the water flush down the drain and not into a giant home-made container.

On the negative side, your destiny is determined to make you need something you have just thrown out.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Donkeys are well starred in any reenaction of biblical scenes, although watch out behind the donkey they call Dropsey.

Watch this video for a sign from the planets:

 

This month your destiny wears the floppy hat of a world war one pilot.

 

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

If there is one star sign that the term 'boom and bust' refers to it is Taurus. You are the action man, woman, of the zodiac, and you know all there is to know about financial, as well as actual, bubbles.

Saturn is now on side to help out either financially, or more probably to give you help on the bubbles side. Look out for a hard to resist recession busting deal on a bubble making machine that will make you the sensation of your neighbourhood.

Of course, the cynics out there will point out that he term 'boom and bust' can also be interpreted differently, and could also mean you like blowing things up, and/or you like big chests or head and shoulder only statues. Whatever the heck it means you've got it coming your way by the barrow load this month thanks to Jupiter's kindly wink.

This month your destiny plays chess with fate.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

'Virgo And The Chaos Theory' is the title of a very very long book. Virgo butterflies are responsible for more hurricanes than any other insect on earth. This month your chaos quotient is set to 'high and rising', and could be set to increase to 'tremendous explosion' on the chaos dial. This is very rare.

But telling you to beware is like trying to balance eggs on top of each other. And you have heard such warnings from this website before... Remember, we predicted the credit crunch before world governments did - Saturn told us it was all going to end badly in 2006, and Saturn is now giving us the same warning for Virgo and eggs this month.

Make the most of your increasing sexiness from the 12th to woo someone you admire, remembering that chaos is your friend.

This month your destiny is the cow chewing the cud in the field of dreams.



<---March 2016     May 2016--->