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Real Funny Horoscopes

'The Most Accurate
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September 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Association of International Frog Worshippers Best Aquarius Prediction, March 2014

Dial-Up Fastest Horoscope Download of the Year, 1994

The Humble John McCain Fellowship Best Prediction Involving Soup In A Horoscope, May 2015

The Turned Worms For Hillary Clinton Taurus Prediction Of The Campaign

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

It is time for a holiday. Maybe you have just returned from a holiday, in which case it is time to pack up and go back again. Maybe you cannot afford to go on holiday in which case do everything you normally do just at half your normal speed. Jupiter will look down upon your actions and help out wherever possible.

Disney musical hits from the 1960's and 70's are well starred, especially if you have the dance moves off pat too.

This month your destiny will appear to you in the form of a man in a cape and a mask which doesn't cover enough of his face so you can tell exactly who it is.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

This month you will use the term 'most agreeable' for the first and last time in your life in a strange James Bond type situation in which the saying of this magic two-word phrase will serve as a password to instant gratification on many levels. England is also well starred in other spheres of your life throughout the month as Neptune discovers the joys and confusing mystery of umbrellas when coupled with erratic rain.

A video cassette from times past will reenter your reality this month and will gnaw at your conscience. You don't have a video cassette machine any more as you have sensibly upgraded to DVDs and hard disk mpegs. Either find someone who still has a video cassette player, and who will allow you a private viewing of what we assume is some sort of naughty home video, or destroy the evidence by renewing your love of pulling the cassette slowly apart by un clicking the cover thingie at the front and then pull the video tape out slowly at first and then with all of your might at arms lengths at times until the spinner either breaks or bursts into flames and the room is filled with the undeniably retro joy of magnetic tape.

This month your destiny wears the red shoes and ball gown of a Hollywood star from a glossy motion picture.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

You have always found catchphrases trite and annoying, but this month Saturn will conspire with Mercury to help you create your own catchphrase in everyday life as if you have strangely just become the bold-check-suited host of a television quiz show.

Fruits with pits in are strangely starred this month and the charts are completely indecipherable when it comes to seedless grapes - take your chances. Caution should be taken in any attempt at eating cherries, and pomegranates, although peaches and nectarines do not seem to pose any immediate hazard to your knees.

This month your destiny has a new hair style.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

This month the terms 'French Letter' and 'Rubber Jonny' are set to reenter your reality in a strangely High School-y type way. From this distance it is difficult to see what to make of this strange confluence, but you are likely to over do it knowing you.

Trouble is brewing over an indiscretion you have been involved with if even on the periphery. Beware of maniacal men with chainsaws and stubbly chins.

This month your destiny is piqued.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

A Hottest Chili-In-Your-Country Eating Contest, in which you have inadvertently become involved, will end badly - ensure enough bottled oxygen and plenty of water to drink is on hand. Jupiter, who inspired this event, will be out for much of the rest of the month whilst the repercussions of this ill advised contest play out.

Skydiving is particularity badly starred this month, this includes all flights on budget domestic airlines.

A jig, a dance, or possibly even an involuntary muscular spasm, will enhance this month in ways difficult to imagine.

This month your destiny is in charge of fried food.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Your life expectancy is set to increase by 6 months this month after Jupiter and Mars initiate a devious plan. Don't worry, you don't have to do anything - and whatever you do don't start any new exercise plan, stop smoking or eat healthily, it'll just happen behind the scenes.

Leaves, either from trees, bushes or plants, are set to invite you into a colorful Alice in Wonderland type world involving potions and talking white rabbits. Beware fungi in all of its forms especially mushed up ones.

This month your destiny wears the smile of a knowingly benevolent elderly bearded gray haired man.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Your personal local athletic meet medal haul last month was well below your ambitious expectations, but you should console yourself with the thought that your county did quite well, considering Mercury had initially set out to bork you.

Frisbees are well starred, as are plastic party plates when thrown in a Frisbee style.

Nothing should be done about that mysterious knocking sound coming from above your bedroom, even though it affects your sleeping pattern. This is so that Mars can 'negotiate' a better deal from your favorite builder who is currently charging an exorbitant fee for similar work in your neighbourhood - yes, the term 'negotiate' is a euphemism and it will not end well for him if he stubbornly refuses to drop his prices.

This month your destiny wears the clogs of a mad Dutch painter.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

This month you will be drawn to horses in all of their forms. This includes finding out what the difference is (if any, the planets are not really horse types) between the horsy terms: 'cantering', 'paddocks', 'galloping', 'How many hands high?', 'Whooee!', 'NeeYYYyyy' and 'standing still'.

Attempts at frivolity with a local government official will have its desired effect but only until 6pm on the 7th after which Mercury and Jupiter will scupper your daring plans.

This month your destiny is the same as Capricorn's.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

A prolonged sneezing fit is set to have a profound effect on your social life this month, with a new friend lost after a mix-up over a man-sized tissue you assumed was just lying there on the table for general use. Apologies to the owner of the tissue, into which you sneezed around forty times, phlegmned five times and then wiped your fingers on, will fall on deaf ears.

Stuffed and cuddly toys will serve their purpose this month - ask Pluto for assistance using the method of the tea leaves.

This month your destiny is stubbornly keeping to its story.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Your repeated, increasingly hysterical, pleadings to a local person you assume to be a priest that he should perform an exorcism on a foul swearing, between the legs crucifix stabbing, green phlegm spitting, woman who lives next door will continue to dominate most of the coming month. The woman is not possessed by the devil in any way, she just likes to swear and curse like this - it's a sign of the times for which the planets are all to blame.

A bowl of fruit and an inquisitive squirrel are set to collide spectacularly in a sub-London Olympics fireworks display type exploding fashion (but all over the place and at erratic times).

This month your destiny wears the cut of a handsome mans jib.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Exotic places, especially ones with a dangerous (either orange, red, flashing red, fast flashing red) security rating, are well starred this month and next. It is not clear if the planets are trying to put you in harms way or are innocently encouraging you to invest in yourself with some exciting international travel. Probably a bit of both. Be on your guard in an interested nose-in-guide-book-constantly-looking-behind-you kind of way.

Card games with bald people, either intentionally bald (shaved rather than plucked) or naturally, are well starred as long as they don't have tattoos on their forearms. If Jupiter insists that you play any violent looking tattooed card players then we recommend the arm bar as a submission move which is particularly useful when your card playing opponent's hands are in front of him on the table but only as a last resort.

This month your destiny is out to lunch.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Complex cloud formations in the sky are set to make this month zing with intrigue. This when coupled with a newly discovered penchant for eating meringue and crème fraîche under big fluffy clouds will delightfully align the great outdoors with high cuisine deserts in a rare concurrence you have the moon and Jupiter to thank.

A contract for a software product that you blasély ticked 'agree' to in 1994 but didn't read thoroughly is set to come back to haunt you this month. Try to settle the litigation for under $5000 and you will be a winner.

This month your destiny wears the galoshes of an old fisherman.



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