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Real Funny Horoscopes

'The Most Accurate
Horoscopes On The Web'

May 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Honorary Mention in The Arachnophobia Magazine for a spider in a horoscope warning, March 2015

Best Horoscope Service Yet To Get A Podcast Of the Year 2014, Geneva

Mild Chili Pepper Sauce Taurus Horoscope Of The Year, 2013

Futuregazers Capricorn Horoscope Of the Year 2032

Jim Boy's 'Most Accurate Ever' Sagittarius Horoscope April 2012

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

This month the planets predict a plate whizzing past your head, fractionally missing it, shouting, punching, and the possibility of vendettas.

But to most Acquarians such events are just the spice of life and you will smile philosophically as the machinations of the world machinate.

A woman in an apron, or it could be a very fat man, will welcome you into their kitchen a little too effusively for your liking. Jupiter is trying some Matrix style Oracle type thing here - don't eat the cookies.

This month a surprise will wear the skirt of the Hawaiian king.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

You have been bogged down with trivia for much of the year so far, but this is about to change. Mercury has decided to up the ante in its attempt to tease all Aries onto the 'astral plane of creativity'. From 7th of the month you will be blessed with the highest form of crossword solving powers, and word search puzzles will be a breeze.

Long walks in the great outdoors are well starred, however weather patterns will be particularly unpredictable after the 20th. Take an umbrella even if you live in a part of the world that doesn't have rain. Pluto and Neptune are in alliance to ensure you get a drenching even if your country has been in a severe drought for many years - if you live in such a country avoid sewers, and people throwing buckets of sand at you for no reason in particular.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

A happy coincidence will help you connect the dots in a strange dot to dot puzzle that has been troubling you and a friend.

Checked shirts and baggy trousers will do their best to help perk up an otherwise dull month.

Venus has decreed that orange is well starred this month, especially when related to the fruit, however, dog droppings of this color that you find on the streets are poorly starred as the orange can mean that the poop is very old and scabby.

This month look to the old woman who has the right idea when it comes to cooking fish.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Computers will strive to bring you down this month, especially Capricorn users still struggling along with Windows XP, and 8 (the charms bar will be particularly provocative around the 16th of the month). Greet each bug with a happy sigh, which is pretty much all you can do if you are unfortunate enough to have Windows XP because there really is no hope for you now that Microsoft have stopped supporting the operating system.

The reason Microsoft stopped supporting Windows XP will become clear this month as Saturn's continued threat to bring the operating system down become reality in a series of bugs that defy logic.

DESTINY: Welcome shrimps and prawns into your life for they have a message if only you know how to read it.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

As a cynic about most things, you rarely accept on face value the advice given by horoscope columns. Up to a point this has been a wise choice, however this month your ability to separate the wrong from the likely will be hampered in a complicated frenzy involving a popular boy band from times past.

This month you will receive a sign from the planets involving an old sock and a bottle or carton of milk. How this manifests itself is unclear, however make your best effort to understand this message as the future of capitalism in your world could very much depend on it.

This month your destiny wears the Hawaiian dress of a drunk fraternity brother.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

You will mishear a person who you believe has just made a serious and unnecessary blasphemy in front of children or old people. How you handle this situation could either make this month zing with opportunity, or, after a vicious verbal street fight, return you back to your usual dull nothing much happens around these parts rut.

Your hearing difficulty is primarily due to your ears coming under the influence of an angry Mars determined to show you who the boss is.

This month your destiny dresses in yellow fruits.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

News that a pyramid in Egypt is glowing is merely the latest sign that Jupiter is attempting to make contact with you.

Paper folding and paper cutting will come into your life unexpectedly this month. Unbeknownst to you, but beknownst to folding experts, you will perform a very rare fold that Monks in Tibet believe to be evil. Ensure your folded paper is not put on public show, at least until after the next Beijing Olympics (the last one was in 2008) to be on the safe side.

This month your destiny wears the tongue and antlers of a stag.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Dangerous sports are badly starred this month, although having just said that, according to your planetary charts, this is the least worst month for dangerous sports for the rest of the year...

Skydiving, bungee jumping, point jumping, rock climbing and cliff diving are all badly starred, although throughout June and July they are critically badly starred, and in August they are double critically badly starred.

Buy a pair of warm slippers, drink lots of coco and go to bed early.

This month your destiny wears the smile of a hapless wench.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sun drenched beaches, drinks with umbrellas in them and tasty savory nibbles, are this months highly starred activities.

The planets all favor drinks of a highly colored nature - favor bright mauve or yellow drinks with blue (not purple) umbrellas.

Jumping up and down on the spot is a favored exercise this month except if you live near an earthquake fault line.

An unexplained flying object in the sky is to blame for a number of electrical objects failing around the 13th, that and an aggressively arrogant Uranus.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

We advised you last month to catch up on your sleep and this month you will be glad that you heeded our advice.

Have you ever seen the television show 24 which stars Keifer Sutherland? Well, the whole of May is going to be pretty much like 24 is for a single day. Pop to the supermarket to stock up on energy bars and food and drink you can consume while running and ducking from unexpected perils.

The reason for your torrid month is because of an antagonism between Alpha Centuri and the Earth's moon. Remember that if the moon can control the oceans of the world you have little choice but to go with the flow...

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Sausages are well starred in family meals this month, perhaps in a sausage hot pot or you may even invent a new way to cook a sausage that you may try to patent later in the year. Sausages are Jupiter's favorite meal especially when served with mashed potatoes. Neptune is experimenting with vegetarianism at the moment so only eat veggie sausages if you want to get on his good side.

Oversized carrots are particularly well starred this month but not courgettes or parsnips. Beware brussel sprouts especially in soups and fancy dress costumes.

This month your destiny will become clear in the form of a loud pop or bang.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Exotic pets, and ordinary mundane nibbly type pets, are well starred this month, favoring the exotic ones. Bamboo is clearly in the charts, and pets with cute small chewy teeth stand a 3% chance of tooth breakage. Do animals have dentists? We haven't a clue, probably best to check that your pet insurance is up to date because it sounds expensive to fix.

Saturn suggests you avoid cravats and neckerchief's, however brightly colored handkerchiefs could provide moments of levity in any pre and post nose-blowing situation.

This month you destiny wears the browny orange of a fake tan.



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