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March 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Acclaimed by the Hairy Bears of Star Worship, Oklahoma chapter

Foiled a denial of service attack by the Horoscope worshipers of Nigeria

Awarded a Wheelbarrow by the Farmers of Truth Convention 2011

Certified useful on the 10th dimension by the Federation of Fish Mongers of Seattle

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Loved ones need to be reminded of your talents frequently, and at length, this month. Try the subtle approach at first, but be prepared to turn up the volume when Uranus becomes luminous around the 8th.

If you have tried, but failed, in your subtle attempts of communicating your talents to loved ones, now may be time to resort to screaming and shouting hysterically. Such Drama Queendom will open doors if handled carefully during Neptune's Hibernatory Chuckle after the third Wednesday of the month.

A bottle of pickles will provide the answer to a knobbly question around the 3rd. Treat your pickles well, there is much to be learned from their kind.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Harvey, your imaginary 6ft tall bunny rabbit friend who follows you everywhere, will get himself into a pickle this month in ways too complicated to relate in this column. Suffice to say that even imaginary bunny rabbits require food and water and a safe place to toilet themselves.

Most of the month's problems will be best blamed on Harvey. Beware close friends in whom you have confided of Harvey's existence, they may seek to use this knowledge in an unfavorable light when matters of money or love are involved around the 21st.

Greet Saturn's rings with open arms whilst laying on your back in bed and the worst of the month will be over before you know it.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

The Sun and Saturn are adjunct in the nanophase of their upper echelon - Behold your innovativeness and do not fear change!

Round-and-round or up-and-down rides at fairs are particularly well starred his month.

You will be unable to cause offense in any of its forms this month so talk slackly and, especially when drinking, enjoy the ability to say without fear the first thing that comes into your mind.

Eating shell fish is particularly badly starred until the 15th, however this does not include wearing fashionable shell fish based jewelry or hats which can be worn without fear of ridicule until well after the 18th of the month.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

The set of rules on which you have based your life are set to implode all-of-a-sudden this month leaving you looking for a new religion or even gym membership.

There is nothing that can be done to wipe the red wine stain from a carpet after a completely unavoidable accident on the 6th. That frequently misheard old wives tale that says 'more red wine rubbed into spilt red wine will take the stain away' is as wrong now as it ever was, and, now that you have rubbed the wine in even more, the stain will forever sit there niggling at you. Take this as a lesson in life and refuse to give red wine any respect when drinking it, especially when dining with French or Spanish wine connoisseurs.

You will have a curious moment of dejavu on hearing a joke on a late night chat show around the 14th.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

What is the difference between fearless self-confidence and sheer unfettered arrogance? You will find out the answer to this riddle this month and may even have the bruises to show for it if Neptune has its way.

Scavenging on the coast for shellfish, in all of their forms, is well starred, and will benefit from a mini tidal-wave coming in from the East Coast, brought about by a combination of Mercury's nefarious activities with one of its moons after the 7th, and a new dance craze sweeping the world from Asia which is similar in effect to an upside down Amazonian rain dance.

Best to remember throughout the month that shellfish do not respect human immodesty in any of its forms and will seek to bite and chew at you during any moments of back-to-nature-inspired nudity.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Accepting criticism has always made you fly into a blind fury, especially from those you trust. This month your fury will be tested to almost martial arts levels of skill.

Throwing things has always been a keen interest, and this month your talents will be noticed by a special agent looking for a person with your ability to shout, throw, and then hit a target all in one fluid movement.

Kissing people of the same sex as yourself, including friendly European greeting kisses on each cheek all the way over to full-on homosexual-porn inspired ones, will excite an interest in lips and tongues in ways unimaginable at this point in time.

This month your destiny will wear the shoes of a mime and the hat of a Frenchman.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

This month a loved one, an older brother, or a school sports coach type figure, will encourage you to achieve your long held but never realized goal or goals which may or may not relate to horses.

This is finally that month you have been waiting for. This is the month you will win big time.

From 10am on the 1st of March you will become a pumped athlete who is ready to succeed, blinkers on, striving for your goals, ignoring everyone. Go get'em Libra winner! Yo! Yo! Yooooa!

Take any sign of compromise as a sign of weakness and laugh openly and at length at those who stand in your way.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

A major personality change, normally only associated with violent emotional upheaval or in soap operas, is set to provide wondrous, albeit complicated, opportunities for you over the coming weeks.

Your usual 'good listener' character attribute is set to be reversed, indeed, you will find it difficult to stop talking at times this month, even talking over other people when they have something to say - something you used to really hate.

Your planetary inspired rudeness may cost close friendships, especially as it is no longer possible for you to keep a secret. Any secrets you were told before your change just come flooding out at the slightest provocation (even a cup of tea will trigger it especially if drunk with a ginger or Digestive cookie after 2:30pm on the 23rd).

If you still have your job by the end of the month you only have Venus to thank.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Your enthusiasm for life and love and other cost effective pursuits is set to lead to another level of excitement this month, and for the rest of the year.

A cheeky Sun, and an over-excitable Mercury, are conspiring to bring forth your creative verbosity in both quantity and volume. Rejoice!

Conversations about subjects you know little or nothing at all about are well starred on the 14th.

Cleaning upstairs windows are particularly well starred, especially if you have invested in a new cloth and bucket.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Mercury's enchantment of five of the Saturnian moons indicates house cleaning will succeed in a similar way as seen in the movie Mary Poppins but without the need for finger clicks, singing and hats. Dusting, polishing, vacuuming and even small house repairs including nailing pictures to walls, tightening screws in furniture and wallpapering, are amazingly well starred, virtually eliminating any prospect of failure.

Scorpios who are wheelchair bound will be drawn to downhill dry land slaloming around the 18th. In spite of some initial skepticism on your part, you will find yourself well suited to your new found sport.

An argument involving a pet rabbit will be best handled before your daily medication until the 29th.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

That long intended, but not quite brought to fruition, invention, which will make you a million dollars and allow you to leave that job you hate, is being looked on favorably by Mars and, more importantly, the Earth's Moon this month.

Whilst you realize that other areas will suffer during your work on this inventing project, you should care not one jot about the repercussions (although best to ensure all bills are paid on time as a moment of late-payment-bruising is indicated by the Moon's occasional wobble on the 8th).

A seemingly inconsequential event will have untold consequences around the 17th-23rd.

This month destiny wears the dress of an old person.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

This month, as a result of Neptune reacting with Pluto's far side, you will become much too sure of yourself on home improvement or car maintenance matters.

You are in severe danger of starting out on a repair project which is doomed in a slash and burn horror movie kind of way.

Enjoy any new found enthusiasm for organization and shrug off any skepticism from loved ones or neighbors, especially those to whom you owe money.

Make extra special attempts to put on your happy face when trying to convince people of your intentions. Screaming is ill starred, especially in hardware stores and when breakfasting on eggs.

This month your destiny will reveal itself in the form of a bird with wings.



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