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Real Funny Horoscopes

'The Most Accurate
Horoscopes On The Web'

June 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Hog Huggers Horoscope Of The Millennium So Far

Marsupials Daily, Most Accurate Horoscope, March 2013

Anti Swearing League Horoscope Of The Year Special Mention For Not Cursing, July 2014

Water Slider Horoscope Of The Year 2014

'Funny Horoscope Best Read With Raspberry Jelly-Jam At Breakfast Award' From 'The Toast For Breakfast Jelly-Jam Association' 2013 (also runner up in the 'Blackcurrant Jelly-Jam' category and highly commended in both the Strawberry Jelly-Jam and Marmalade sections)

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Pompoms are well starred this month and, when combined with cheerleaders and big hats, expect some kind of exciting unexpected revelation or spontaneous striptease or some such.

The Dukes of Hazzard and Starsky and Hutch, but not Dallas or Dynasty, are television shows from the 1970's set to change an outlook you have held for a long while, that is if Saturn wins its battle with Venus.

John Wayne has a message for you in one of his old black and white movies. Take heed lest some kind of business or cattle rustling venture will fail.

This month your destiny has the body of a fish, the face of a person and the fingers of a crabby old spinster.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Crocodiles or alligators snapping down quickly and efficiently are set to make this month tingle with dangers of the waters edge kind. Best not to get out of your depth in any watery situation, ensuring at least one foot can be placed on the bottom at all times, preferably your foot attached to your body at the time.

Reject all criticism of any flower or art based ventures regardless of how witty the comments are. This is your time - the universe is on your side and failure is just a memory of the old you. On the other hand, accept fully and without question any criticism regarding financial matters and religion in all of its forms.

This month your destiny wears the shoes of a tramp, but the T-shirt of a well dressed millionaire.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Saturn, Venus, but not Pluto, are determined to bring you down to the ground in a playful 'wrestly' type sense this month. Accept any mild trips, small amounts of liquid tossed at you from nearby and light to heavy slaps across your face with good grace. Remember throughout the month that violence begets more violence - become a violence sponge and the buck really will stop with you and, who knows, one day World War Three might not start because of you. Humankind will thank you with indifference, the planets will be disappointed they have nothing to watch from afar.

Seek out problems that may be sneaking about in the background and bring them to the fore in any random way you fancy at the time, excluding grabbing them by the scruff of the neck or throwing a big punch to their knees.

Dogs and cats, but not rabbits and large 'itchy' type rats, should be used in any way your machinations require regardless of any animal rights policies that you normally adhere to.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Unfortunately a number of our Capricorn readers misread our predication last month that spontaneity could be behind a 'spectacular financial gain'. The result is that the number of spontaneous Capricorn related bank robberies is now at an all time high. On the positive side: if they haven't got you by now the coast is probably clear - spend your gains in an inconspicuous way.

Flames, flame retarding chemicals and pictures of fires are all well starred but only on Tuesday's this month. On other days of the week this combination is nothing but trouble. Drink lots of water and do that sexy thing with bottled water when you pour it on your hair and then flick your hair back in slow motion at least four times a day to be on the safe side.

This month your destiny wears the same pants of a boxing kangaroo.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Saturn is convinced you can 'do' a good Captain Kirk and advises you to dress in his attire for much of the month. (There's no point in arguing with the planet, once its mind is made up it is set.) Pluto disagrees and suggests a less challenging costume / hairstyle. We advise following Saturn as it is a much bigger planet than Pluto.

The Frank Sinatra standard 'Mack The Knife' will be your 'hum everywhere' tune this month. If the opportunity presents itself sing this in harmony with at least two others on the train commute to work each morning.

Trips to India and Pakistan are highly starred, although it's not clear if the planets have done this for their own personal entertainment purposes. Both countries are high up on most 'danger of terror for foreigners risks' so any trip to these countries could lead to explosions. This could be what the planets are hoping will happen, just to liven up what is otherwise a very dull June as far as Gemini is concerned.

This month your destiny wears the turban of a happy man.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Cooking in the kitchen is highly starred this month, with basting, chopping and boiling ingredients perfectly starred - the first time that has happened for Leo in 26 years. Yes, this may be the perfect time to attempt that complicated recipe you have been thinking about trying, or a recipe handed down from a family member trying to keep her secrets 'in the family'.

Of course, not all Leos have family members who have passed their secrets down (at least not to you) but as luck will have it you are likely to take delivery of a recipe book that will be delivered to your door seemingly by chance this month. Either some book based website is experiencing ordering problems, or, more likely, the book has been sent by Venus. Try anything from the book whatsoever and it will turn out just fine.

A favorite raincoat will provide moments of solace this month in ways too numerous to detail here.

This month your destiny wears the frock of a highly motivated goat impersonator.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Long ranting emails from fellow Librans you don't know are about to take over your life in ways that at this point in time you will find difficult to understand. This is due, at least in part, because Mars, the earth's Moon and Uranus are all determined to engage your star sign's typing fingers to write long ranting emails yourself.

You will find yourself sending off your tirades firstly to political representatives and then you will move on to the giants of local commerce, such as the manager of a local supermarket. Don't try to make sense just rant, you will find the whole exercise pleasingly fulfilling.

This month your destiny is on hold while you learn to surf.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

A pair of trusty scissors will lose their cutting power this month as Mars conspires with Venus on the transient plane of the Cybercycle. There really is no option other than the purchase of a new pair, preferably not made in China.

Your pre-Olympics training is going well. You are not an athlete but you are training your bottom to sit for 12 hours at a time to watch the coverage on television.

This month your destiny wears the suit of a mortgage broker keen to help but with no money to lend.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

A usually no nonsense kind meaning person is set to start giving you some nonsense in a very bizarre set of circumstances that will surprise many planet watchers this month. What is going on? Can it really be due to the upcoming Mars and Saturn conjunction later this month? It's possible, but your first course of action should be to point the formerly no nonsense kind person to the drink responsibly warnings on the bottle.

Cuddly furry creatures are set to provide a period of unease in the outdoors. You have no problem with Teddy Bears per se, however Teddy Bears alive to you is pretty much the scariest thing imaginable. Try to control your screaming this month, there is nothing the planets can be bothered to do to stop the terror about to be unleashed.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

You are likely to be affected adversely this month by a Scorpio rage-wave spreading throughout the world. This rage began on Mars and has been wreaking havoc on planet Earth since June of last year.

There are a number of problems you will have to overcome this month because the rage wave must only affect fellow Scorpios. Under no circumstances should you allow the rage wave to cross over into another star sign, the consequences of which could lead to the outbreak of a star sign war the horror of which would make World War One look like a queue at Starbucks. Play your part and ask for a star sign before passing on the rage.

This month your destiny triumphs in a game of cards played for bottle caps.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Embrace new cultures and creeds and tip handsomely for good service, but do not hesitate to reduce your tip at the slightest anti-Taurus provocation.

The consequences of you noticing a sign of aging while looking at yourself in the mirror on the 15th, may be misconstrued by those suspicious of the power of the planets as the beginning of a mid life crisis. In fact it is just Uranus having a laugh at your expense.

A Boing! or a crashing sound effect should be used for comedic effect in your life this month: Saturn wishes you to put it on loudspeaker on your cell phone to annoy the maximum number of people.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

A novice skateboarder is set to make your shins hurt in ways too excruciating to mention this month. Grin and bare it if you want, but Pluto is giving extra points for over the top hyperventilation and screaming at the top of your voice.

You have often asked the question: "Do animals have star signs?" You are about to discover that they most definitely do when you are strangely attracted to a large dog, yes, you guessed it, the dog is a fellow Virgo too...

This month your destiny wears the hat of a happy man.



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