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July 2015




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Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

A financial transaction is set to cause havoc in the markets when you personally, accidentally, become responsible for more than $5 on the oil price at one point this month.

Saturn is angry that you are overly profligate when spending on summer fruits.

Even so, summer fruits are bountiful and relatively cheap this time of year and you will find it hard to not go with your anti-Saturnian impulses. You will have to pay the price for this insubordination at some point, although stuffing your mouth with juicy berries will take your mind off the inevitable horrors that await you in the months to come.

A small yappy type dog and a medium to small cat are set to fight outside your window around the 17th of the month. Keep a bucket of water on hand to throw at them.

This month your destiny wears the trousers of an attractive male pianist of the 1970's.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

The moon is set to eclipse Pluto this month but you won't notice this because Pluto is not visible in the sky even if you squint. Even so, this will play havoc on any of your transport plans and indicates considerable difficulty driving, flying and walking. Take extra precautions when walking around corners on the 6th.

The planets indicate the hat of an officer of the law. From this distance it is difficult to see what this means: it could mean either that you are about to get into trouble with the law, you are about to be helped by a uniformed officer, you attend a fancy dress party and someone is wearing a police officer's hat or you could watch Yogi Bear or Top Cat on the television.

This month your destiny wears the color blue with a sly wink.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Your relationship with French people is set to be tested this month in a complicated mix-up involving a baguette in a supermarket.

This month you will learn how to do that foreign both cheeks kissing thing that you have often considered over familiar. To your surprise your double cheek kisses are very good and word will soon pass throughout foreign lands of your expertise.

This month your destiny wears the party frock of a 4 year old.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

The outer shells of pistachio nuts are set to provide a series of increasingly insurmountable problems this month if Mars and Venus get their way.

An interplanetary battle is raging which will affect piles of pistachio nut shells around the globe from 10th well into dusk on the 28th for all Capricorns.

Beware tripping over unlit pistachio piles, pistachio piles which appear all of a sudden as you walk along the street, and in your bath or shower when bathing or showering.

This month your destiny wears the bicycle safety helmet of a 9 year old.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Scratched paint is set to make this month 'zing' with disappointment... Uranus is determined to put a visible dent in your car, and with both Pluto and The Moon in alliance, expect paint scratches to appear on your car when you least expect it.

The upside of this is that you will befriend a person in a local garage who is good at touching up scratches and pulling out dents: he will initially appear to you as an arrogant unreasonable oaf - stick with him, however, this is just the planets testing you.

This month your destiny will appear in either a financial contract or a bowling alley injury disclaimer form.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Jiggery-pokery is set to influence all home improvement attempts after the second Friday of the month.

Well, actually, it is more the jiggery that is the problem, the pokery problems are mild and pale into near insignificance in comparison.

Neptune will make it's presence felt on the jiggery front in all nailing, wall fixings and drilling activities well into the fourth quarter of the year.

Royalty is well starred this month, either the definitively monarchic or those who walk like they have both a rod down the back of their shirt and a small skunk floating under their nose. Learn how to bow or curtsey correctly to avoid royalty controversy which is mostly time consuming in the form filling-in sense rather than dangerous.

This month your destiny is nowhere to be seen.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

The words 'short', 'fat' and 'bald' are about to come into your life, if they have not already been put there to test you, by the planets.

Librans and technology are set to enter a rocky phase, as Neptune starts to openly bork technology, especially Microsoft Windows and Apple IOS 8 in any of its forms. There isn't much you will be able to do this month, although, looking on the bright side, if you can see this page now not all is lost.

This month your destiny shakes like a dog who has climbed out from a swim and wants to rid its fur of excess water...

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Peace and tranquility are about to enter your life as never before.

Deep, peaceful, sleeps at night are now firmly in prospect - at least until roadworks begin outside your bedroom window from 7th of the month, and for the next twenty-six weeks.

Remember that your reaction can help defuse a potentially aggravating situation (as long as Jupiter wants the situation to be diffused, of course). Was it Gandhi who said 'be the change you want to see in the world'? It was either him or some other Jupiter inspired bald philosopher with glasses.

This month your destiny wears the shorts and socks of a troublemaker with a dress sense from hell.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Mashed potatoes are set to influence a culinary filled month in more ways than one, if Mercury has its way.

Peanut oil tops the Sagittarius frying oils chart this month, although special care should be taken that all people who eat your food do not have a peanut allergy (planetary legal disclaimer).

Games of chess and checkers may be hampered this month by the interference of four legged animals, particularly squirrels.

This month your destiny wears the mask of Batman but the cape of a mysterious Latin American wrestler.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Your aim at doing 'high fives' is set to introduce a random element to your street greeting rituals this month as your misses out number your hits by a margin of 5 to 1.

In fact your 'high five' aim will be so bad at times that there is the very real possibility that you could inflict actual slaps to faces at times (both the person you are high fiving and people standing near by.)

This is due to a freak Venus conjunction that will exist for much of the rest of the year, and should not be misconstrued as some serious body coordination issue.

This month your destiny wears the teeth of a Dracula impersonator.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Your tag wrestling partner has been scheming behind your back in an attempt to undermine you in your area wrestling federation. Nothing good can come of this, and theatrical flying through the air violence could be the only option. Resist the temptation to slap anyone across the chest or pick them up by grabbing between their legs because this will only encourage them to come back for more.

Showers and screaming profanities are well starred, as are ladder matches.

This month your destiny wears the tight trunks of a desperate middle aged man.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

An ointment you have been applying diligently for the past month is set to stop working all of a sudden after Saturn and Neptune have a violent falling out. Ignore the protestations of your doctor, pharmacist or other health professionals, preferring the health advice from unqualified mystics and star gazers such as ourselves.

Grated cheese may be the only answer to a question posed by Uranus this month. Your eating habits must change, but how?

Avoid all eye contact until further notice as this can only be misconstrued wrongly until Pluto gets out of its current celestial funk on the 17th.

This month your destiny wears the kaftan of an aging beauty.

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