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Real Funny Horoscopes

'The Most Accurate
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January 2015




Awarded a large Vodka and Tonic by a man in a pub, December 2013

Proven 'Superbly Accurate Or Better' by the International Planet Gazers of Vienna

Scorpio Horoscope prediction in March of the Year 20014, Which Planet Magazine

Awarded a spinning prize by the Society of Golden Predictive Globes Inc

Montreaux Howya Doo-in Dating Horoscope Prediction of the Year, 2012

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

The tune 'this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius' has been around since the 1960's, but, sadly for you, it is as untrue today as it was way back then. The New Year will be nothing but humdrum unless you finally scratch that itch you have been meaning to scratch for so long... Yes, let this year be the one in which you finally seize your itch!

Dreams involving a mad professor type with whizzy out hair in an observatory may suggest to you that you are looking for something 'out there', but you will be wrong. In fact this dream could mean absolutely anything.

The planets are all agreed that you should take more long walks in the country.

New Year's resolutions involving cakes and, specifically, iced cakes, are particularly tasty options.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

A secret wish you made at some earlier point in your life is set to come true this month, let's hope you haven't changed your mind!

Avoid newspaper articles and unsolicited e-mail's proclaiming the benefits of medicational herbs. Meditation in all of its forms is poorly starred at the moment, especially during this time of Saturn's ring hypertension.

New Year resolutions involving spacecraft or plastic figures found in cereal boxes are particularly well starred, guaranteeing a result of some sort or other.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Jupiter continues to suffer following its festive celebrations, so expect no planetary mercy when faced with hangovers and bedding related linen difficulties.

You will do your best to keep puddings and sweet sauces on hand throughout the month to help in your comfort eating urges. However, as a porky Cancernian you have to be reminded, once again, that there is no such thing as non-fattening comfort food. Your particular planetary chart clearly shows your big belly, so a diet is never a bad idea at this time of year (although, once again, Jupiter will do all in its power to hinder your success).

New Year's resolutions involving eating chocolate is guaranteed to have an indeterminate result.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

False hairpieces, in particular wigs and toupees stuck on a living person's head (but not stuck on mannequins), have always been poorly charted. Now may be the time to confront your fears by openly acknowledging their existence to persons wearing them when you see them on the street or in bars.

Do not hesitate to draw hairpieces and mustaches on bald people in pictures in magazines or newspapers, whether you bought the publication or not - this is excellent, cost effective, therapy.

Capricorn New Year resolutions are being adversely affected by the moon this month, perhaps better to wait until February to make one up if you haven't decided on one already. Bird song from the forest will suggest a course of action which you must ignore at your peril whether you go to the forest or not.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

A mix up at the Post Office has put your house on the 'possible terrorist' list, beware. Avoid acting suspiciously at all times, especially when mowing the lawn, washing your car, laying patio tiles, or at any other time where you could be viewed through a window or glass door from outside.

Water is set to make a welcome return to your life now that Venus has re-entered the Acquarian canal. Bathe liberally, and at length, never fearing your nakedness at any time. This reminds us: according to your chart, bathing nakedly has been poorly starred for the last year, we apologize for not mentioning this earlier, but we've had other things on our minds...

New Year's resolutions involving chicken leftovers may surprise at times and be much tastier than you first think.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Creative thoughts suggesting a before untried workout combination of Bonsai with Kick Boxing, will lay heavily on your thoughts throughout the month. Give in to your initial skepticism and make plans for a DVD release. Be quick to market or something else could be the next big thing!

An equinox on Uranus (or someone else's) is set to make your beginning of the year celebrations problematic. Avoid kissing strangers in all of their forms, including over-licky dogs and spitting llamas. In the event of an unwanted kiss, rub liberal amounts of tomato into the affected area.

New Year resolutions involving sea fish are particularly well starred.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Due to a mix-up at a factory that makes both sexy celebrity videos and natural history DVD's, beware DVD based animal or bird documentaries until the 6-19th of the month.

A cocktail waiter will name a drink in your honor due to a complicated misunderstanding involving the boots you wear, a sexy celebrity and a cup cake.

This month's New Year's resolution will be hampered by pot plants flying through the air.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

An aging beautician will challenge you to an arm wrestle following a moment of unintended rudeness during work on your cuticles around the 7th. Go for the quick slam to start with, in the hope that the woman is a late starter.

Your refrigerator's thermostat will mysteriously adjust itself on the 14th during a blizzard on Pluto's Eastside. This rare occurrence dooms 10% of eggs in the refrigerator that are later fried to a moment of violent yolk explosion: best to boil all eggs until well after the 18th, or find a McDonalds that doesn't employ any Pisceans.

Your New Year's resolutions are likely to conflict with a red scarf bought you by a woman with hidden motives.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Fondant filled chocolates will provide moments of uncertainty during the month, especially when offered by aging relatives who never read the 'Best Before' date. Best to squeeze, carefully, the offered confection before putting it in your mouth. However, beware of over-squeezing soft filled chocolates which is likely until the 20th of the month due to a storm on one of Saturn's moons. During this period, ensure a tissue is on hand at all times to mop the fondant filling from your hand and clothing following any chocolate based over-squeeze enthusiasm.

This month's favored New Year's resolution will be tested severely by a man in a suit who looks equally at home in a car salesroom or hosting a breakfast television show.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Your on/off relationship with the star sign Pisces is about to reach new lows (offs). Handbags at dawn are firmly starred, as is Ultimate Haircombing in all of its un-refereed, un-octagoned forms.

The term 'by-jingo' will touch you this month in a strangely calming way. Maybe this is on an old black and white movie, or maybe an English gentleman from the 1940's is about to enter into your life in a magical type way. Only time will tell.

This month gifts involving the letter 'v' are well starred, especially if they are blue in colour.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

An exercise regime you have decided upon in your New Year's resolution list is set to cause considerable discomfort to those around you in the short run.

Ensure the correctly colored shoes are worn at all times. (Tips from the planets: Jupiter favors red with green, but Pluto, your dominant personal workout planet, is leaning towards brown - expect an online sales related bargain sign around the 6th.)

Short flights, including jumping, are dimly starred until the 7th, but for the following 14 days there is a very severe danger of a catastrophe possibly involving fur. By the 21st such danger has passed, however avoid zoos in all of their forms for the following month, including animal documentaries on TV.

This month your favored New Year's resolution will lend itself to eating too much fruit.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

You will discover, much to your chagrin, that a 1970's retro disco has been named after you - it's opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life.

As a typical Virgonionian you will fail in your New Year's resolution by 19th of the month, which is actually a record for you. Resolutions involving sex or pets are particularly badly starred, however resolutions involving sex and fruit and in particular sex and pears are well starred.

An argumentative/spitty animal with a mane has committed itself to a plan of attack around the 29th which is set to inconvenience you and your local community already on a heightened terror alert.

Avoid New Years resolutions involving hippopotami and plankton.

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