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Real Funny Horoscopes

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February 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Welcomed as a fellow cynic by the Anti Horoscopes League at the Anti Horoscopes Convention, Moscow, 2014

Openly laughed at by the Horoscope Hyenas Society of Pittsburgh

Aquarian Prediction Involving An Automobile Of The Year 2013

Web Newspaper Critics Choice Award for Most Nonchalant Predictions

'Better start to your day' magazine's Humour Choice, Egg Safe, Breakfast Award

One Eyed Comedy Award For Jokes With The Word Saturn In

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

This is a month for gloating, for feeling proud of yourself and smiling kindly at those who just don't have it.

Pluto, in particular, is proud of you for being practically perfect in every way. This ideal 'Mary Poppins' life scenario is set to last for much of the first half of the year. Enjoy!

Rejoice in all methods of dance, especially ballet in all of its forms, including single footed pirouettes and hands pointing down at each other (heart shappedly) above your head as you spin round and round on tippy toes.

A question involving your finances should be left blowing in the wind for another month.

Beware! You are especially likely to donate to charity, the homeless and people with a poor dress sense this month. Best to hide your credit cards until well into the second half of the year.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

A love interest from the past will tap you on the left shoulder this month in a public place - this is due to an abundance of tornadoes sweeping across the unnamed plane on Mars's upper side. Be relieved it's not a tap in a private place, especially if the loved one in question left you on angry terms or was sent to prison.

Bottles of mouthwash and darning needles will make uncomfortable bed fellows.

Saturn and Pluto, but not Venus, are attempting to get you a promotion. Welcome missiles into your boss' office with open doors.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Ball sports, and their ilk, will pose multifarious difficulties during the coming month, especially when enhanced by alcohol and herb based muscle relaxants (when under such influences, take extra special care in particular when heading a ball, or when attempting rugby-type tackles using the whole of your body weight against a target below a competitors knee, especially if they are Taureans).

Spectators of sporting events also pose higher than enhanced risks, especially Cancerians standing in the line of a ball flying at speed into the exact direction of their heads. Take protective headgear with you at all times if you lack confidence in your ducking capabilities.

Romance is well starred this month in all of its fluffy-pink glory. In particular, the planets favor romance novels from old ladies with well talcum-powdered faces and licky yappy-type pocket-sized dogs by their sides.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

The term 'money doesn't grow on trees' has always made you wonder. Clearly, notes are made out of paper so, technically, money does grow on trees, or is of the very fiber of the trees themselves... We're not being much help in your philosophical tree-based monetary struggles are we? But that aside, BEWARE! gentle Capricorn reader: this month a non literal tonne of paper (which might or might not be about money) is about to plop, slide or thwack onto your door mat.

Game shows with hosts wearing yellow will provide moments of levity, but, ultimately, disappointment.

Your financial worries are set to improve this month following an unlikely chance encounter with a trombone or trumpet player on a Friday morning.

An age ravaged relative will make an allegation that will bring into question your long held liberal views on care for the elderly.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Standup rows, especially the ones in which your face goes red, your nose dribbles and saliva foams at the mouth, are particularly likely this month. Be careful, as whilst you will be sure you are right, others will think you are being hysterical and may slap you hard across the chops, considering that to be their only way out.

Venus and Pluto are in a planetary equivalent of a food fight situation at the moment and your temper is being affected accordingly. The good news is that Pluto and Venus are billions of miles apart, the bad news is that everything you know is within 100,000 miles so perhaps a cautious (if possible, a sleepy) aggression is the best policy.

Old television shows now available in chunky DVD season sets are particularly well starred especially if bought after following a link on our site in which we get a commission for each sale.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Your private life is set to become increasingly more important to you over the coming month, with telephone calls to a loved one from work likely to take up over 55% of your day at their peak. The Sun and Venus are the reason for your activity pattern here, an explanation you may want to remember if an office manager complains.

Leo's are superb long-termists, but the problem is that you tend to look upon everything as a long term project, even if most other star signs would go down the short term route. Resist calls of 'get a move on', or 'hurry up slow coach', but only after careful, deliberate, consideration of the pros and cons.

Juvenile delinquents will test your resolve on a motoring issue which may only be ultimately resolvable by the payment of money to a court of law.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

You are surrounded by people who know nothing, who make promises they have no intention of keeping and talk about you unfavorably whenever you are out of ear shot. It's time to get back at these timewaster-losers. Make this month the I will do it my way and I'll be damned if I am gonna listen to any jerk with a stupid idea month.

With Mars giving others the naughty finger on your behalf, you will be pleased by the amount of respect you get on the streets as you walk with a new found confidence to the shops or street vendors proffering their wares.

An idea you will have this month will be worth a million dollars in the right hands. Make sure those right hands are yours, you deserve it.

This month avoid dining with Germans or Australians, favoring Texans or Floridians with a sound security rating.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Avoid the temptation to take control of routine or mundane matters this month as this can give the impression to others that you are serving staff on a dressed-down Friday.

Refuse to be taken advantage of, but do it quickly! Do not let work based disputes stew as you are then likely to start weeping uncontrollably as you make your views known, leaving others no option but to tell you to 'pull yourself together', thus negating any of the arguments you initially intended to put across.

Arguments involving deep sea snorkeling should be avoided even if you know anything about the subject until well after dusk on the 26th.

You will invent a new knot this month which is set to help disabled people get into the bath 5% quicker, which doesn't sound much but over a lifetime that's quite a saving.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

It is a common Sagittarian mistake to start a fight when you feel confused. This is especially so this month with Mars in such an uncompromising mood. Take a deep breath, pay for a pamper, relax, meditate, become one with infinite wisdom. This really is the only way to avoid doing something really stupid before thinking through the pros and cons.

An envious streak will burn brightly this month when an acquaintance is seen throwing his money about. Once again, relax, take time to realize what is really important in your life, sob inconsolably in private, and then move on.

You will be reminded of Lucille Ball next time you venture into the frozen chickens section of a favorite supermarket: In this state do not attempt to lift a big one from the chest level freezer unit as a melee will undoubtedly ensue.

Never lie about your weight to a man who can mentally undress you. You won't be able to fool him, remember, you're standing naked in front of him.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

A fresh mountain-air-like refreshing of your being will occur this month and it's not just because the weather is much colder than usual for the time of year...

This instant all-over-the-body-and-soul refreshment will allow you to re-jiggle the priorities in your life. Challenges will then seem completely do-able to budget and on time, at least during this pleasant alpine-fresh state.

A New Moon is set to make you realize something about someone. You will be amazed, then surprised, and then shrug, and move on.

A hang-up you have about mustaches is set to be vindicated after all these years. You will realize you have been right all along... Well done...

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Your overly protective tendency to support the underdog is one of your most endearing qualities when it takes the form of helping out loved ones. However, when it takes the form of standing up for the under dog per se you have no idea what an annoying quality this is, particularly in sporting events. You are lucky that people who are attracted to Taureans are pretty much blinded by your chiseled jaw and sporty physique.

You will have a chance encounter with a big celebrity in your town around the 14th which will give you a story for the grandchildren in later years.

Nuts and hard candies should be conscientiously chewed before swallowing until danger passes on the 7th.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

"Me Me Me!". "Let's talk about me!" "Hello? Over here? It's my turn"... Does this sound like someone we know? Yes, it's you babe.

Your demands for attention have been driving work colleagues and friends dotty with frustration pretty much since Christmas 2009. Now is the time to take a metaphorical step back and ask what can you bring to the Our-Me table!

Lost shoes and underwear could provide moments of relief in what is an otherwise humdrum month.

Determinedly make yourself more beautiful or handsome to brighten up the world this month - think of it as your gift to others, the new Me is your gift to the World.

Avoid tinned meat after the 6th, especially of animals who waddle when they don't need to.



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