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December 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Grandiose Gardens Award For Water Feature In An Aquarius Horoscope, February 2013

Nursery Rhyme In A Horoscope Award, Gemini, March 2012, Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Section

Stop Me And Buy One Ice Cream Van Horoscope of The Year 2013

Credit Crunch Horoscope Of Financial Destiny, November 2014

Recession Foresight In A Horoscope Award, November 1928

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Gifts that include plastic parts are well starred, especially gifts with round tops and straight bottoms when gift wrapped.

Jupiter's intersection with Saturn on a graph on our Celestial Desk Of Mystery indicates that December will be fraught with difficulties involving fish and fishy like mammals who like nothing better than to bounce things on their wet noses.

Pride yourself on your sense of decency in situations involving requests that you strip naked. Your not giving them what they want now is a good thing for you mostly, but for them when they eventually have to answer for their actions before a God like figure after death or a really big angry guy before then.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Yes, that bouncy tune with a catchy lyric and beat you have stuck in your head is driving you and those around you clinically doolally. This is a doolallyness that will creep up on those around you and will ultimately lead to exhibitionistic dancing in a shopping mall or down your street if Neptune has anything to do with it. Blame Adele, advises Saturn.

Multiple strangenesses, possibly taking the form of red and white beards or wigs could possibly serve to undermine your view of reality at times. Reindeers with red noses should be avoided until well into the 29th of the month - perhaps try to buy their favours with a bowl of water, maybe a small sweet pie before then, but nothing more.

This month gifts involving frazzled looking bald headed men with sticky out clumpy hair at the sides of their heads are ad hoc-ly starred until the 16th after which they prove to be very badly starred indeed.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

A new exercise DVD or online video you watch this month, either given to you as a gift in this gift giving season, or as a freebie in a newspaper or magazine, will ultimately give you the body of your dreams. You must keep these exercises going, however, and only then will that body fat you have built up over the last 15 years start to dissolve in about 10 years time.

Stay on Saturn's good side all month and you are set for bounties untold. These bounties could come in any form including in the form of no form at all.

Gifts involving small dwarf like animals are well starred, as are miniature carrots and lettuce leaves.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Running, jumping, and also that rolling along the ground thing heroes do in films and on the tv while holding a gun when they are trying to go sideways but keeping their body close to the ground, are tremendously well starred. Indeed, this month international espionage is particularly well starred in all of its forms, or it might just be that you go to see the new James Bond movie at the cinema, or watch an older one on the television.

Escargot (French for snails) and French Toast are both moderately starred when eaten on their own, but your chances of winning the lottery will quadruple if you have eaten both of these delicacies before buying a lottery ticket at any time during the month. If they actually sell these items in the shop where you buy the ticket this increases to a 6 times better chance of winning, thanks to one of Saturn's moons.

The gift of destiny this month is red with something that wobbles as if it is about to fall off but is in fact surprisingly well secured...

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Does the gift giving season fill you with joy or a crushing feeling of imminent defeat? Of wondrous cooking surprises or hours slaving over an open stove? Never mind, this year is going to be exactly like last year in every detail in a Groundhog Day type way, especially if you have anyone in your family who looks remotely like Bill Murray.

Gifts involving alcoholic contents above 14.765cc are well to outstandingly well starred, as are cuddly fluffy toys. (Please drink and cuddle responsibly.)

Next month could be a month to fulfil that secret dream you once had. Don't blow it this time, this time it really might be your last chance.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Small masks over the eyes to supposedly protect someone's identity - like they used to have in secret agent type TV shows, or Operas (surely you must be able to make out who it is if you know the person, thinks Venus) are coming back into fashion this month.

The reason the planets are choosing to give you a heads-up on this is because you are about to be the witness to an unmasking. In your hands the planets have given you a chance to unleash a reasonable amount of psychological torment for the rest of the un-masked person's party. Use it wisely to make a small fortune.

Gifts given involving animal fats with high amounts of saturated fats are well starred. Are you trying to fatten someone up or give them heart disease? The planets say you are.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Potatoes have never been this well starred in the history of financial horoscopes. BUY! BUY! BUY! Now could be the time to try out that all fries, chips, baked, mashed, roasted potato diet you have been promising yourself in a favourite planet inspired dream of late.

A cup of tea, but not herbal tea, or coffee, but not from the Indonesian archipelago, are magically starred this month. One sip and stars and cartoon Walt Disneyesque characters will spring forth and frolic in a strictly U certificate type way.

A leprechaun is watching and waiting for a moment to make an impact with you. Can't go into details, but your destiny will know when it's time for your reaction.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

This will be a much quieter month after last month's extreme water sports endurance trials.

A cartoon from your youth is about to come back in a Christmas Carol, Dickensian type dreamy-way, perhaps a Christmases past, future, present, type thing. Never fear, it's only a dream: to stop the torment all you have to do is to press firmly on the nose of the narrator and then refuse to stop pressing until he gives in.

This month gifts involving water are wetly starred.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Games of Truth or Consequences are well starred for most of the month, however you are at risk of being discovered for holding back on a truth you have been keeping secret for the last 15 years. When this looks as if it is about to come out the only way out of the situation is to scream, look up at the moon (especially effective if you are actually inside at the time) and then run straight outside without putting your coat on.

Charades are also badly starred, especially if a cheeky nephew or niece is playing with you and are keen to make a point about your fatness.

This month gifts with a large diameter are well starred, especially if they buzz and light up majestically.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Your on/off relationship with the star sign Pisces is about to reach new lows (/ offs). Handbags at dawn are firmly starred, as is Ultimate Fighting in all of its un-refereed, un-octagoned verbal only forms.

The term 'by-jingo' will touch you this month in a strangely calming way. Maybe this is on an old black and white movie, or maybe an English gentleman from the 1940's is about to enter into your life in a magical type way. Only time will tell.

This month gifts involving the letter 'v' are well starred, especially if they are blue in colour.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Cocktails which include pineapple as an ingredient are always well starred (since 1893), it's the small umbrella in them that varies wildly. Up until the 17th of the month all is well in the miniature umbrella world, however the chances of umbrella face-poke, or other danger, increases exponentially after the 19th. Be on your guard and don't try ordering the same cocktail without the umbrella because that will only make things worse. Best to steer clear of all umberellaed cocktails until well into February or until Saturn gets out of its 1960's type funk.

An interview involving Larry King is badly starred this month. The chances are that it is not you he is interviewing, although it could be if Mercury and Mars have their way. No, it's more likely that something untoward will happen when you watch him or when you are doing something else when the interview is broadcast or is on youtube which means danger is present when anybody in the world clicks on it.

This month your destiny is fluid for a short time on the 13th.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Mythic characters, including dragons and ogres, are set to pepper this month in strangely otherworldly as well as in-worldly, DVD-entrapped, type ways. This is set to continue well into the new year.

Whilst shopping around the 17th, store keepers will be powerless to stop giving you much more change than you are due. Shrug this off as a Saturn inspired fate giving you a break for once.

This month, gifts involving frankincense and myrrh are well starred, especially when given as a gift in shower gel or bath foam forms, or received in the form of soap.

Your destiny has peaked for the year, try to lie down in a dark corner as much as possible.



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