A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
Jupiter Prediction Of The Year, 2016
Golden Quill Of Bermuda Triangle lost once again, 2010
Mustachioed Hang Gliders Prediction Of The Year, March 2011
Publishers Association Of Zimbabwe LOL Award, January 2012
Yikes Shaggy Association Of Nevada Scooby Snack Award, October 2013
The Mysterious Association Of Futurologists Best Horoscope To Come, October 2014
An Olympic inspired month on many levels.
Your favored method of throwing things this month is in the shot-put style, and not in your everyday over the arm throwing style, especially at the end of violent domestic arguments in which you usually like nothing better than to throw plates and slam doors. Initially this new throwing style may seem strange to you, especially the bit at the beginning when you have to turn round and round in a tight circle, but the planets insist that you throw like this all month lest Armageddon be unleashed.
BEWARE! Pets will favor being tickled on the tummy and not under the chin all of a sudden this month, in a Jupiter inspired confluence.
This month your destiny wears the knee length shorts of a street juggler-cum-golfer.
This month your favored Olympic sport is the triple jump, which, as we all know, is the long jump for posey overachievers.
Mercury has some advice for you this month and it will come in the form of the pert rear end of a Russian Olympic gymnast gyrating and contorting on the gymnastics floor.
A piece of sound financial advice will be given to you by a circus trapeze artist which may make you change your mind on the future trend of commodity prices in these troubled economic times...
This month your destiny is like a fish in a bowl of its own choosing...
Reindeers and hearty slaps on the back from manly deep voiced and possibly bearded men, will pepper this month with angst based joy.
Despite your attempts to conserve energy, Saturn is determined that your fuel bills will be at record levels. Resign yourself to bankruptcy and everything else is a bonus.
A handkerchief of a gypsy woman will bring tidings involving fluid based relief.
This month your destiny will get the hiccups.
After last month's problems with pistachio nuts, the planets are now concerned at your high sodium intake. If the hallucinations start drink lots of water and pray in the direction of Jupiter, which is up for about half of the time.
Police are set to raid your home or your place of work this month in a planetary inspired tip-off from a mystic or horoscope writer. (It's not us!)
This month your destiny is undecided, and may leave any outcome until next month.
Egypt in all of its forms is set to impact your life this month in ways too exotic to detail - new spicy foods, new colors, new smells, will embrace your reality after Neptune traverses the plain of no return.
A previously mild mannered cat will become aggressive after you seem to be about to feed it but then don't. The cat is suffering from mild heat stroke and misunderstood your actions, but even so your catty faux pas will put you straight to the top of its 'humans to bring down' list. Get a YouTube channel immediately, this could prove lucrative.
This month your destiny will agree to most things you suggest.
Attempts at positive thinking are fraught with difficulties for the entire month as Venus is busy watching Game Of Thrones on catchup.
Carry on regardless and things might turn out OK, or they might not, who can tell, just plan this month as if the planets will have no direct impact on your life as they will be busy doing other things.
Tip: Looking for signs of your latent sexuality during televised diving events will pay dividends.
This month your destiny is shy, so give it a hug.
Fish, water, plastic bath-ducks and lemons are set to have an important impact on your life this month, if Jupiter and Mercury have their way.
You will be drawn to the benefits of loan sharkery on the 5th: lending money for up to 2000% interest at times certainly will have its attractions to you. Try to avoid loaning to Taurus and Aries however, the other star signs rarely resort to violence if it all goes wrong.
This month your destiny is screaming at you silently about your dress sense.
Philosophy will continue to have a profound effect on your life in the coming month and your search for even more esoteric ideas from increasingly unruly-haired planetary inspired philosophers will be greeted with fulfilled coos of happiness at times, especially after 8pm on the 17th.
Dogs will present difficulties this month, and you may find that your standard 'tickle them under the chin' attempts at ingratiation will fail spectacularly, or at least fail to the extent that you would consider yourself mad to even think about trying it again. Remember that dogs can sense fear, and that people can smell it, adjust your body deodorizing policy accordingly.
This month your destiny wears the hat of a rich lady at the races.
After last month's eating and drinking binges, caused by some interplanetary conjunction or other that attempted to make you put on over 5 pounds in weight, the only option this month seems to be to listen to Mars, who has a plan. Mars, the planet, advises you should eat and drink modestly, and try to lose that extra poundage as there is considerable risk of running, jumping and hiding hazards just around the corner.
Items previously considered to be lucky will stop being lucky this month, and items previously thought to be unlucky will grow in unluckiness, taking on a profound sinisterness that even Vincent Price and Christopher Lee would find difficult to understand.
Hearty laughter may help you handle your destiny this month...
The threat of financial peril coupled with a difficulty in finding food to feed wild birds, is set to make this month zing with a Mary Poppins type sadness. As you might have suspected, Mary Poppins is Saturn's favorite movie of all time and he still weeps at that bit with the old woman and the pigeons.
A radio chat show will raise your blood pressure by about 14% this month; beware calling in as your comments could later come back to haunt you.
This month your destiny will make itself apparent in the form of a cute kitten playing with a ball of wool.
A period of beach time fun is well starred this month after you have faced up to your annual fear of stripping virtually naked in front of others. Use beach towels strategically until your confidence has returned.
Unfortunately the planets have all conspired to make sure your attempts to follow a get-ready-for-the-beach workout, that you found in a magazine in May, will have no noticeable results.
Throwing things and catching things are well starred especially Frisbees, balls and babies.
This month your destiny wears the silk stockings of a Elizabethan Dandy.
'Fashion' modeling is set to inspire you this month in all of its pouty exuberance. Walking quickly, stopping, looking mean, then turning around and walking back where you have just come from will enhance an otherwise dull month filled with fears for your job. Your apparently irrational modelly-walking pattern will confuse street thief's and people beaters and will have a profound effect on lowering street crime for the coming month wherever you walk, especially when others notice your modelly-type walking and copy your moves.
This month some video streaming service is set to inspire a binge of buying electronic and electrical products that have been made in China.
You destiny wears the fluffy coat of a highly pampered pet.