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April 2015

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Praised for good driving on public roads by the Guild of Bare Footed Horoscopists of London, 2013

Sneered at by the Family of Moon Worship, Paris Guild

Beguiled by the Beguiling Sisters of Newspaper Horoscopes, San Francisco

Laughter in Horoscopes for the Masses Award, 2014

Slapped on the back by down and outs in 34 cities world-wide

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Laughter and quipping will make this month fulfilling on many levels (and may help shield you from the worst of bad tidings in work and local governmental spheres). This is especially true for debt payments, particularly if a loan shark or gorilla is involved.

Offers of hand-to-hand fighting is never far away in darkened streets and never underestimate the advantages of aggressive clothing and a body language that Mike Tyson perfected during his ring-banging years.

In a freak heatwave this month, avoid wearing orange and red as this may distract a tender Mercury who is about to nuptialise its relationship with an agreeable moon.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Delegate, delegate, delegate this month!

Don't do anything!

Don't even clean the bathroom - hire a cleaner.

This month you will be too busy to bother with the little stuff, you will be busy doing big stuff, even enormous stuff at times.

With Venus about to become adjunct with Leo this spells a time of hectic travel, edge of the seat socializing and erratic driving, especially when negotiating right hand turns in the dark.

Popular flowers, but not tulips, are well starred after 5th, however floral arranging may be hampered by an inquisitive nose.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

You will find yourself out of breath for most of the month and will be unable to function properly without sudden sleeps at irregular moments. This is due to a Mercurial happenstance set to pepper the next six months with exhaustion and profuse sweating. Such symptoms may be masking actually serious medical conditions which your medical attendants should be called upon to deal with, however it is more likely that you will be laughed out of your doctor's surgery if he notices what your star sign is.

Try to enjoy any moments of levity in any shape or form. Failing that write April off and hide in bed with a good-to-middling book.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn is about to enter a period of great turbulence with Neptune.

This will make you into something of an extremist.

You will either throw yourself into things hell-for-leather, or simply fall to sleep.

This hyperactivity may only be solved by a prolonged period of enforced rest, such as a term of imprisonment.

Apricots and peaches are well starred for deserts, however avoid ice cream in all of its forms after the 9th.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Everyone knows how happy you are to accept advice on personal matters, however a person will take this to indicate that you will take kindly to advice given on professional issues. A mercilessly bloody retaliation seems to be almost inevitable - the stars [mainly the Sun and Alpha Centauri] suggest hiding any weapons used in a deep river if it gets that far.

On a lighter note: The term 'strut your funky stuff', which comes from a well known 1970's disco hit, will make itself known to you in ways that will amaze you well into the Venusial Conjunction with Mars set to premiere around the 17th if the weather is super.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Rivals are circling behind the scenes this month, signifying a new, more dangerous, period, not unlike the current international terrorism situation, but without the media coverage.

Remember that there is always help on hand from trusted friends and family, although best to avoid the ones who have secretly turned against you and are scheming to bring you down. Watch out especially for friends named Al, Jaz or Zera, and those growing long wispy beards.

Hedges, both prickly and bushy ones, are well starred around the 8th. However, small trees could provide moments of danger, particularly if growing by rivers or maximum security prisons, if they are called upon to support your entire body weight unexpectedly.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

When is a trusted work colleague your work competitor? This ages old white-collar riddle will not be solved this month, however your mind will be eased by apparent signs that your lobbying for a promotion has gone completely unnoticed by those around you... thank Mercury and all of its moons.

Learn to shrug your shoulders without an apparent care when cornered by angry coworkers who accuse you of being meddling; never fear - they can be brought around by meaningless promises and a couple of drinks after work.

You are in the sights of an aging dog who is under the influence of Scorpio this month. Avoid his pointy nose at all costs, and by no means return any of his licky-affection.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

As a Piscean you love nothing better than jabbering on for hours about things you know a lot about. It really is amazing the depth of knowledge you have at your disposal. This month you will be given the opportunity to speak for hours on any subject you choose to an enraptured audience who you will leave begging for more.

The term 'frangipane' will enter your consciousness this month around the 14th and you will not be able to let it go until you have tried it. A Google search is advised before setting out on your quest both on technique and for suitable, safe, locations.

Use Mercury's pendulous motion as an excuse for excessive drinking if one is required by a doctor or law enforcement officer.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

You will be feeling weepily-vulnerable at times this month, but friends will be too busy with small-to-medium life crises to truly understand your apparently unending demand for boxes of tissue and anything else with any absorbency to speak of.

Use any moment of abject terror this month as an excuse to reflect on what improvements can be made to your life.

Most American style muffins, but not blueberry ones, are well starred for mid-meal snacking purposes after the 7th.

Your TV remote will go haywire at times this month flipping three or four stations at a time. Allow those around you to change the channels and look upon them with a furrowed, matronly, eye.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

This month you are likely to jabber incoherently for much of your waking hours. This could be because you have got a lot on your mind, however never underestimate the influence of Pluto on your vocal cords and tongue.

Take notes throughout the month, and double check any of the more controversial things you come up with, using Google searches or perhaps just phoning a close friend to check your facts when things get hot under the collar.

You are likely to be more wrong than right for most of the month, apart from on Tuesdays after 2pm when you bask in a Venusian glow.

Get plenty of sleep as May is going to be a torrid month.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Paying-off troublemakers, especially, but not exclusively, blackmailers threatening to go to the press with grainy pictures, is prominent in your charts, however the solution doesn't appear until well into May so is outside the scope of this month-long reading. Best advice is to make it all up as you go along and read next month's predictions when we get round to making them up.

Dogs will provide moments of egg-balancing-on-nose gravity-defying levity during the month.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

At a fancy dress party with work colleagues your costume, which was based on a hated office manager, will cause much applause and excitement until the manager unexpectedly turns up behind you as you are in the middle of a detailed mimic of him. Blame it all on Neptune's wicked sense of humour and you will be fine.

You have always attempted to avoid public exhibitionism in all of its forms, however as Saturn's rings spin round and round between 4th-27th, you will be forced to come to terms with loud whooping noises coming out of your mouth, especially after the hour of 9pm and throughout most Happy Hours in public bars.



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