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Real Funny Horoscopes

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September 2014




Certified 'Horribly Accurate Or Better' by the Free Horoscope Internet Guild


Awarded the Leprechaun Achievement Award (Spiritual Star Readings) Merit Button


Member of the Honoured Guild of The Star Worshippers (Comedic)


Founder Member of Practical Predictions Using Wood


Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

As a financially gullible Aquarian you are always being targeted by dubious foreign lottery's and requests from Nigerian businessmen who seem to be in need of your apparently world famous financial acumen. Whilst the inevitability of you being a victim is completely assured, play hard to get this month in a coquettishly 'dipsey' kind of way.

Philosophy: Beware the floating bubble of the angry fish, especially if you haven't seen where the bubble has come from...

Camp fires are under a bad star confluence after the 7th now that Mars has learnt how to crack wood from afar.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

'Heaven Must be Missing an Angel' is your favoured absent minded singing and whistling tune for the month, especially until the 18th.

Mexican waves are to be avoided at all costs unless you are waving to a Mexican neighbour or restaurant owner whilst driving past them in your car, or on your bicycle, at under 60mph.

A truffle sniffing French pig will make itself known to you this month using the medium of mud on the carpet.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

Sprouts, especially Brussels ones, should be avoided after the 5th. (In fact, all completely green vegetables are poorly starred for the first three weeks in the month as Neptune's circumference becomes temporarily frosty.)

This month you will decide on an exercise regime you had intended to try for years. Use this month, and the next three, to mentally prepare your body for the exertion by imagining your workout pattern. Then join the gym on the 1st January with everyone else in the world.

A person wearing black socks will provide comfort in a moment of watery anxiety.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Moist face towels will be in short supply around the 17th due to reasons that will become apparent on the 12th.

Bending over with your bottom in the air should be avoided after the 6th, especially if you are wearing tight fitting skirts and have inquisitive house pets.

Beware argumentative dwarfs with a penchant for singing rugby songs and tackling below the knee.

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

An argument you once had with a school friend in the 1980's that you thought had been forgotten about, is set to annoy you once again this month (vinyl is much better than cassette tapes says Saturn)

Check that the electricity company hasn't wired up a street light to your house supply by switching off your supply and watching whether street lights go on or off at least twice this month. (Remember that they might have wired up a street light not in immediate sight of your house.)

Phallic symbols not exclusively involving leprechauns will make this month fulfilling in more ways than the aesthetic.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

This month you will be entertained by a 'murder most foul' classic crime mystery. This will take the form of, either, a dinner murder mystery weekend, a compulsive television drama, or a dead body found under your stairs.

Citrus fruits, especially lemons, but not oranges, will provide a delightfully crisp-upon-the-pallet solution to a culinary based cheesecake type dilemma on the 14th.

Whilst out jogging on the 10th, both Jupiter and Uranus will seek ways to trip you - ensure you have well padded knees during any outside based panting exertions.

Hash browns are your favored fast food this month.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Hallucinogenic drugs and smoked fish are this month's surprising bed fellows.

Avoid strong swear words, abbreviations of words which could be misconstrued as strong swear words and erotic arm movements until the 21st.

Innuendo in all of its forms should be avoided, daily, until the clock "bongs" 11.

This month your lucky sock color is brown.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

Leftovers from a chicken meal will cause one of the most bizarre arguments in your life this month, and may only be resolvable using professional arbitrators.

Get-fitedness activity in all of its legal forms will pepper your month in unexpected spurts of disarray and legs upside-downedness.

Pluto's conjunction to the left of center will present itself to you as a humorous hat and coat.

Dancing is well starred, but only with dancy-sticks with silvery knobs for a handle. Favor the words 'Ker-cha!' when ending your routine.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Your boating based contingency plans will go awry spectacularly on the 15th.

Mercury's moment of prenambulant hypertension suggests malarkey is well starred.

Beware men in orange socks and bow ties not from a circus.

You are in danger of a Jamie Lee Curtis type experience with a man wearing a hockey mask unless you floss daily.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

A rare Jupertian undercurrent signifies a creative month for all Scorpios who enjoy the arts, literature and fast food in all of its forms.

A sonnet you wrote, but were embarrassed to show anyone, will become public on a daytime chat show on the 23rd. It will, ultimately, cause one of the worst fist and chair fights in daytime television history for which you will be billed.

Yellow socks should be avoided unless wearing yellow suits or trousers.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

You will be drawn into a physically stressful argument over a small mammal with a child or young teen around the 9th. Ensure a supply of fruit is on hand to console any small mammal which may overhear your hurtful, mammalist, prejudices.

Estimated bills for building-work-yet-to-be-done will be underestimated so that a shady-cowboy type local company gets your business. Once the work starts the bills will rise sharply. The planets will helpfully present you with three role models to select from to help you deal with this problem: Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela or Dirty Harry.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

A new baby, or a wild animal that likes nothing better than to scream at the top of its high, screechy, range, is about to enter your life in the most unexpected of ways. Stock up on baby food and dried animal pellets, always favoring products with banana or papaya in them.

You have worked hard to rebuild your shattered self esteem - now may be the time to assert yourself carefully with a junior salesperson.

Flinging things violently into lamp shades is well starred until well into the New Year.

Your favored colored sock this month will be red.

October 2014--->