A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
Praised for good driving on public roads by the Guild of Bare Footed Horoscopists of London, 2005, 2006, 2008 and 2013
Sneered at by the Family of Moon Worship, Paris Guild
Beguiled by the Beguiling Sisters of Newspaper Horoscopes, San Francisco
Laughter in Horoscopes for the Masses Award, 2010
Slapped on the back by down and outs in 34 cities world wide
A bad nights sleep will bring rewards that initially may appear to you in the form of sweating, loss of breath, a bad headache, heart palpitations, or chest pains. Whatever you do do not phone for medical assistance, it's just the planets trying to make contact with you.
Another sign, in the form of a rose or any flower with thorns, will also appear, as Saturn tries to be helpful.
Chess, Monopoly or Ludo are well starred. As are your chances of successfully beating youngsters through the method of cheating at these games. Challenge them to a game for money, and now might be the time to deliver your 'life's not fair' lesson...
This month your destiny wears the spurs of a desperate cowboy from the 1950's.
Your once profitable Wall Street brokerage firm has been saved by the generous handouts from taxpayers after the financial crisis. Mercury and Saturn's influence over Congress can be applauded, but beware that Mars is about to help cut off this funding. Prepare to take to the hills at short notice.
Stop worrying about things you have no control over - your Russian Kopeck denominated matched bargain arbitrage derivative treaty with Commerzbank in Germany will pay out in barrow-loads eventually. Be patient!
Saturn has become adamant that you must now change your hairstyle after months of dithering.
Your destiny is in a state of flux until well into November.
Flipping a small chocolate off your nose and then catching it in your mouth and eating it is about to set you in the good graces of a young child, or possibly a new career in the circus.
Jupiter, Neptune and Saturn are all determined to influence a masseuse who has an unquenchable desire to touch your body in all the places they tell you about in masseuse school. At first you may find these approaches beguiling, but that is only Pluto influencing your judgement. You will also consider that it sounds strange that more than one 'masseuse' is called 'masseuses', preferring your own made up term 'massusi'.
This month your favoured disco dance involves back popping.
A tall man with thick glasses, wearing a stained raincoat, with a whiny voice and hair on the back of his hands, is about to enter into your reality around sunset of the 16th. Welcome him / don't welcome him into your life it's up to you, but Jupiter quite likes the cut of his jib.
Saturn is determined to embrace you from afar using the method of food additives, favouring e numbers in the range 3-75. Enjoy if you have 10% or less body fat, otherwise the planets may be being sarcastic about your weight again.
In a similar vein, any attempt at working out will probably fail whilst the planets are in this unhelpful mood. Probably best to wait until the New Year.
A sauna is not really the place to discover what Saturn has in store for you this month, so make sure that the towel is wrapped around your waist as tightly as possible...
Juniper berries, fig and palm leaves, are all biblical age icons that will serve to mystify you, especially when Mercury gets in on the act around the 24th.
A financial crisis, or maybe just a lost bank book, will make this month exciting in a once in a lifetime kind of way or at least since the Great Depression depending on your age.
This month your destiny gets the hiccups.
Halitosis and the more general 'hot food mouth pong', are set to indicate to you who your real friends are this month. The planets favour choosing those who like chilli and red peppers, and would prefer that you avoid garlic eaters at least while the current international financial uncertainties persist.
Try as you might, Suduko will continue to be a complete mystery to you this month as the planets conspire to make you try your first Suduko puzzle on the only one in the newspaper that has an error on it. That's right, try as hard as you like it just won't work out. Give up and try again in November, or give up and never try again, it's up to you.
This month your destiny wears the stockings of a confused monk.
This month there could be unexpectedly excitingly glamorous consequences to an error in an e-mail or memo you send, particularly around the 7th. The error may ultimately lead to a brief meeting with a rock legend or an A lister who employs an absent minded personal assistant.
Following months of deliberation you will decide to change your regular radio station after Uranus affects reception adversely. Perhaps it's time to switch to FM or online full-time - medium wave is one of the first places the planets go to if they want to annoy you and your kind.
Nothing much will happen around the 18th, so it might be a good time to do something dangerous as the planets will be looking elsewhere and you will only have yourself to blame for the consequences of your own actions.
This month your destiny hesitates.
The term 'Space, the final frontier' is set to enter into your reality this month as Jupiter plants an idea in your head concerning the Big Bang. You will not be able to get this idea out of your head until you doodle a complex mathematical formula on a napkin just like Matt Damon did in Good Will Hunting - be sure to throw your jottings away as the planets don't want to give any hints to scientists working on the Universal Theory Of Everything.
A small squeaky-sqwarky pet is trying to tell you something. Re watch the Lassie films if you are unsure how to communicate with animals.
This month your destiny is like a fly buzzing around the room looking for a place to rest.
Karma is about to enter your life in a sadly violence laden way: A white dove will swoop down on your forehead in an attempt to lovingly mop your furrowed brow with its fluffy tummy. Unfortunately you will instinctively swipe the dove of peace violently away with your hand in an impulsive scream-filled reaction and probably break its neck. The dove's death will doom you to cooking accidents well into March 2016, if Mars has its way.
On the home decoration front: You will have difficulty explaining the shade of off-brown that you want to your local paint mixing store. Let the planets help you with this - take a colour picture of Jupiter and point out exactly the shade you are looking for (the bit just under the red blotch). Sorted.
This month your destiny is like a fairy tale wolf with lots of puff but without any house to blow down.
You will finally get the opportunity to discover who would actually win in a race between a tortoise and a hare this month after Pluto is caught off guard.
Calls from the president of your bank for you to stop spending on your credit card will make headlines in the banks internal newspaper.
This month your destiny is not sure about a coat you own.
Pouty lips are set to inspire you into action at times this month in ways too numerous to list - beware shocking adverts, especially on posters or billboards, until after the 18th.
Also beware an overly enthusiastically licky dog from the 21st of the month up until the cock crows on the 27th. If you don't have a cock that crows in your neighbourhood then estimate when this would be, probably around an hour before day break.
This month your suitcases are packed, but you have nowhere to go.
When out for a walk on the 7th you will be startled by approaching headlights and inadvertently invent a new modelling pose that is set to revolutionise modelling. Get some pictures taken as soon as possible and copyright them before someone in the industry capitalises on your discovery.
Farm animals are set to provide you with considerable joy, especially cows and pigs.
This month your destiny wears the underpants of George W Bush.