A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
Dwarf Tossers Association Sagittarius Horoscope Of the Year 2013
Welly Boot Tossers Association Special Wellington Boot Award November 2013
Big Band Waap Waap Special Trombone Award For Predictions Involving Wind, March 2013
Peppermint Association Minty Fresh Horoscope Award 2012
A misunderstanding involving a fish, a small yappy type dog and an ostrich is set to make this month zing with reappraised Discovery Channel type levels of learning. Jupiter applauds from afar using the method of gusty winds.
Stop by at a roadside diner after the 6th to get a free coffee refill with every meal.
Smoking cigarettes is badly starred around the 18th after a number of gas and chemical spills mysteriously coincide around you in a 'Final Destination' movie type way.
This month your destiny is like a double semi colon in a heavy shower.
Your financial situation will improve 0.2% or more this month as Mercury takes over the reins of your financial destiny. Jupiter's period at the helm over the last three years has left you so down in the dumps you might consider things can't get any worse. Well they might get a little worse in the short term but Mercury will undoubtedly lead to well needed changes over the medium term. So, look on the bright side, and try to develop cockeyed optimism in any of its beguiling forms.
Dogs, especially dopily loyal ones who like hardluck cases, are set to provide moments of solace and cost effective joy this month. Saturn suggests that a box of doggie chocs always go down a treat.
A moment of buying inspired planetary inspired Satanic possession will see you save over $10 on an internet shopping site. Well done.
A new toothpaste, mouthwash or soap that you try this month is set to introduce you to the world of your advertising inspired dreams where everyone is good looking, intelligent, welcoming and in slow motion. Yes, Jupiter is now very much on your side and the rest of the year will now zing with glamour, intelligent smiley conversation and pert bodies.
Goofy, the Disney cartoon character and not the person you have secretly nicknamed Goofy because of his protruding teeth, is set to influence a judgement this month that Mars has been trying to push for your consideration over the last three months. Embrace horticulture in all of its forms.
This month your destiny wears the shoes of an aristocrat but the hat of a performing monkey.
Any attempt at weight loss is futile this month as a whale is about to be seemingly named after you. Now, obviously, it's not being named after you, it's all just complete coincidence, however Saturn and Uranus will do all in their powers to make you think otherwise for reasons known only to themselves.
A convoluted explanation you attempt to spin to a police officer or some kind of traffic control official will come back to haunt you around the 18th of the month. Your only hope to stop this going any further is to back up your claims with heavily Photoshopped evidence. Mercury has nothing to add, but promises to enjoy the show.
This month your destiny has a chip on its shoulder that only a thorough jigging can fix.
November 2014 will be a five star month in more ways than one.
How you interpret the above statement is up to you but Mars and Saturn both suggest a pleasingly luxurious hotel break at the end of which you should ensure you keep the dressing coat and slippers provided for your use in the room. Jupiter suggests going for a moonlit walk. Mercury suggests a fish supper is on the cards.
Cooking with seafood is particularly well starred this month but only at times of high tide - however, beware Haddock and Cod in all of their forms.
Mars suggests buying a yacht or an expensive car on your credit card on the 24th.
You will improbably help to develop a new mixed martial arts move when out food shopping for tomatoes around the 18th.
A suicidal housefly will attempt to end it all by flying into your mouth at breakfast one morning. Swallow it / don't swallow it it's up to you. Saturn suggests choking theatrically for half an hour: ignore it.
This month your destiny is abundant.
Your recently discovered glamorous lifestyle will be beset with helicopter travel, jet travel and pampering to an almost opulent degree. Try the chocolates in the golden shiny paper, mmmmh, they are really quite special.
Foot massages are badly starred around the 7th mainly because of your Jupiter inspired nervous reaction of kicking out violently when someone grabs your leg. Make sure all your legal liability insurance is up to date as soon as possible.
This month your destiny wears a disconcerting turquoise and mauve colour scheme.
Fast movement in water is starred this month, but it is difficult to see what the stars have in mind. Either it means you are driving in a fast motorboat in some kind of spy movie chase sequence type way, you are participating in some sort of water based swimming race, or maybe you just drop something in the shower - as I said it is difficult to read your celestial charts this month. Either way to be forewarned is to be forearmed they say, so keep your water goggles in your back pocket from between 12th to 24th, and check behind before you bend down in the shower.
An argument involving wood could escalate in any home improvement venture.
This month your destiny is AWOL.
A gushing apology is in the stars after a mix-up involving a piece of fruit. Stand your ground, you are completely right: the waiter you are supposed to have chastised only has himself to blame for bringing to your table the pineapple cut erotically like that...
A new hobby is about to enter your life to fill the coming frequent lulls. Saturn sees wood, metal and possibly plastic.
This month your destiny goes on a long drive and won't be back until the middle of December.
Apples are 'largely' starred especially in ice cream this month, which may be a new favour for all we know. It is certainly a rare flavour for us non ice cream connoisseurs. Does apple ice cream taste as much like vomit as orange ice cream does? Only Jupiter's flavoursome secret will be revealed to adventurous Scorpios around 8:12 pm on the 21st of the month.
Creases in trousers are set to go spectacularly awry from the 4th after Neptune's attention is drawn to ironing in all of its forms. It may be that the days of ironing trousers solely in the direction of up and down are numbered for Scorpio's everywhere.
This month a question that you asked a teacher in your final year at school will be finally answered in an unexpected way.
Beware red headed people for all of the month, especially those still in Halloween costumes late into November.
Befriend the friendless, give money to those who need it more than you do. Make this month into a month of making the world a sunnier, friendlier, place. If that fails then go back to being your usual grumpy self with the knowledge that at least you tried.
This month your destiny is uncertain for only a short time after the cock crows on the 8th, after then the sun will shine on all your plans like a prime time beach based soap opera.
An arms out wide, head back and a loud musical voice from your lips, will greet the 1st of the month. This will set the scene for the following 30 days which will be one of the most musical you have ever known.
Singing, dancing and backward somersaults landing on your feet with the look of "Hey what did you expect, I'm a cool dude/dudess" will pepper this month like none before.
Spicy foods on the 6th should be avoided unless eating in a south easterly direction.
This month your destiny is prone to blackouts at unforeseen moments. Beware when riding a horse.