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December 2014

     

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

 

Grandiose Gardens Award For Water Feature In An Aquarius Horoscope, February 2013

Nursery Rhyme In A Horoscope Award, Gemini, March 2011, Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Section

Stop Me And Buy One Ice Cream Van Horoscope of The Year 2012

Credit Crunch Horoscope Of Financial Destiny, November 2008,2009,2010

Recession Foresight In A Horoscope Award, November 1929

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)

Gifts that include plastic parts are well starred in this gift giving season, especially gifts with round tops and straight bottoms when gift wrapped that rattle slightly but still, intriguingly, don't give away what it is.

Jupiter's intersection with Saturn on a graph on my Galactic Desk Of Mystery®™ indicates that December will be fraught with difficulties involving fish and fishy like mammals who like nothing better than to bounce things on their wet noses.

Pride yourself on your sense of decency in situations involving requests that you strip nearly naked. Your not giving them what they want now is a good thing for you mostly, but for them too when they eventually have to answer for their actions before a God like figure after death or a really big angry guy before then.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 20 - Apr 19)

Yes, that bouncy tune with a catchy lyric and beat you have stuck in your head is driving you and those around you clinically light headed. This is a madness that will creep up on those around you and will ultimately lead to exhibitionistic dancing in a shopping mall or down your street if Neptune has anything to do with it.

Multiple strangenesses, possibly taking the form of red and white beards or wigs could possibly serve to undermine your view of reality at times. Reindeers with red noses should be avoided until well into the 29th of the month - perhaps try to buy their favours with a bowl of water, maybe a small sweet pie before then, but nothing more.

This month, gifts involving frazzled looking bald headed men with sticky out clumpy hair at the sides of their heads are ad hoc-ly starred until the 16th after which they prove to be very badly starred indeed.

Cancer Horoscope (Jun 21 - Jul 21)

A new exercise DVD you watch this month, either given to you as a gift in this gift giving season, or as a freebie in a newspaper or magazine, will ultimately give you the body of your dreams. You must keep these exercises going, however, and only then will that body fat you have built up over the last 15 years start to dissolve in about 10 years time.

Stay on Saturn's good side all month and you are set for bounties untold. WARNING: These bounties could come in any form including in the form of no form at all.

Gifts involving small dwarf like animals are well starred, as are miniature carrots and lettuce leaves, aaahhhh!

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Running, jumping, and also that roll-along-the-ground thing they do in films while holding a gun when they are trying to go sideways but keeping their body close to the ground, are tremendously well starred. Indeed, this month international espionage is particularly well starred in all of its forms, or it might just be that you are starred to watch a James Bond movie on the television.

Escargot and French Toast are both moderately starred when eaten on their own, but your chances of winning the lottery will quadruple if you have eaten both of these delicacies before buying a lottery ticket at any time during the month. If they actually sell these items in the shop where you buy the ticket this increases to a 6 times better chance of winning, thanks to one of Saturn's moons.

The gift of destiny this month is red with something that wobbles as if it is about to fall off but is in fact surprisingly well secured...

Gemini Horoscope (May 20 - Jun 20)

Does the gift giving season fill you with joy or a crushing feeling of imminent defeat? Of wondrous cooking surprises or hours slaving over an open stove? Don't worry, this year is going to be exactly like last year in every detail in a Groundhog Day type way, especially if you have anyone in your family who looks remotely like Bill Murray, which is everybody.

Gifts involving alcoholic contents above 19cc are well to outstandingly well starred as are cuddly toys. (Please drink and cuddle responsibly.)

Next month could be the month to fulfil that secret dream. Don't blow it this time, this time it really might be your last chance, but start your machinations now as it's never too soon to start to prepare.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 22 - Aug 22)

Small masks over the eyes to supposedly protect someone's identity - like they used to have in opera's back in the day (surely you must be able to make out who it is if you know the person) are coming back into fashion this month...

...the reason the planets are choosing to give you a heads-up on this is because you are about to be the witness to an unmasking in some sort of dream sequence or daydream. Use the messages the planets are clearly sending to you responsibly, and bare in mind that there will be nobody in any government building after 23rd of the month until well into the New Year. So any kind of Independence Day (the movie) assault on interstellar invaders will be off until at least the 9th January.

Gifts given involving animal fats with large amounts of saturated fats are well starred. Are you trying to fatten someone up or give them heart disease? The stars are winking knowingly.

Libra Horoscope (Sept 22 - Oct 22)

Potatoes have never been this well starred in the history of tabloid horoscopes. BUY! BUY! BUY! Now is the time to try out all the fries, chips, baked, mashed, roasted potato diets you have been promising yourself in a favourite planet inspired dream of late.

A cup of tea, but not herbal tea, or coffee, but not from the Indonesian archipelago, apart from a couple of the northerly islands, are magically starred this month - one sip and stars and cartoon Walt Disneyesque characters will spring forth and frolic in a strictly U certificate type way.

A leprechaun is watching and waiting for a moment to make an impact with you. Can't go into details, but your destiny will know when it's time to let go the squeal of happiness when this starts to happen.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 18 - Mar 19)

This will be a much quieter month after last month's extreme water sports endurance trials.

A cartoon from your youth is about to come back in a Christmas Carol, Dickensian type, dreamy-way, perhaps a Christmases past, future, present, type thing. Never fear, it's only a dream: to stop the torment all you have to do is to press firmly on the nose of the narrator and then refuse to stop pressing until he gives in.

This month gifts involving water are wetly starred.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Games of Truth or Consequences are well starred for most of the month, however you are at risk of being discovered for holding back on a truth you have been keeping secret for the last 15 years. When this looks as if it is about to come out the only way out of the situation is to scream, look up at the moon (especially effective if you are actually inside at the time) and then run straight outside without putting your coat on.

Charades are also badly starred, especially if a cheeky nephew or niece is playing with you and are keen to make a point about your fatness.

This month, gifts with a large diameter are well starred, especially if they buzz and light up majestically.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Your on/off relationship with the star sign Pisces is about to reach new lows (offs). Handbags at dawn are firmly starred, as is Ultimate Haircombing in all of its un-refereed, un-octagoned forms.

The term 'by-jingo' will touch you this month in a strangely calming way. Maybe this is on an old black and white movie, or maybe an English gentleman from the 1940's is about to enter into your life in a magical type way. Only time will tell.

This month gifts involving the letter 'v' are well starred, especially if they are blue in colour.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 - May 19)

Cocktails which include pineapple as an ingredient are always well starred, it's the small umbrella in them that varies wildly. Up until the 17th all is well in the miniature umbrella world, however the chances of umbrella face-poke, or other danger, increases exponentially after the 19th. Be on your guard and don't try ordering the same cocktail without the umbrella because that will only make things worse (the planets sometimes think there's a little umbrella there but there isn't - the planets an awfully long way away). Best to steer clear of all cocktails until well into February or until Saturn gets out of his 1960's type funk.

An interview involving Piers Morgan is spectacularly badly starred this month. The chances are that it is not you he is interviewing, although it could be if Mercury and Mars have their way. No, it's more likely that something untoward will happen when you watch him or something in the time slot he was removed from on CNN.

This month your destiny is fluid for a short time on the 13th.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 - Sept 21)

Mythical characters, including dragons and ogres, are set to pepper this month in strangely other-worldy as well as this-worldy, DVD-entrapped, type ways. This is set to continue well into the new year.

Whilst shopping around the 17th, store keepers will be powerless to stop giving you much more change than you are due. Shrug this off as a Saturn inspired fate giving you a break for once.

This month, gifts involving frankincense and myrrh are well starred, especially when given as a gift in shower gel or bath foam forms, or received in the form of hard soap.

Your destiny has peaked for the year, try to lie down in a dark corner as much as possible.



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