Gemini - April 2011 - Funny Horoscope

Your attempts to grow a mustache continue to be beset with celestial problems this month, as Saturn's influence over your body hair continues to increase. Favor hairstyles tight on your head as any dangly bits will be affected by high tides and gyrations of the planets. (Your worst fears are confirmed: Bad hair days really are the work of the planets. The authorities don't tell you this as they fear sparking a panic.)

Laying untidily on sofas, with your weight on your left arm, continues to be badly starred, especially if your hair is so long that you inhale it while you sleep. If you have swallowed enough hair you will need to consult an expert on fur balls. You might as well ask your cat for advice after 19th of the month as the advice offered on the internet will come under the influence of an argumentative Jupiter. If you can still speak, talk to a doctor, if you can't, make a gagging noise and point at your mouth to a doctor - they will know what you are talking about in a Lassie type way.

Give a suitable amount of respect to the rough looking man with a scar on his face, and try not to yelp if he attempts to talk to you when you walk past his darkened alley on the 6th.

This month your destiny is deciding whether to buy a cuddly toy or a troll.

 

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Other Horoscopes for this month
Mar 20 - Apr 19
Apr 20 - May 19
May 20 - Jun 20
Jun 21 - Jul 21
Jul 22 - Aug 22
Aug 23 - Sept 21
Sept 22 - Oct 22
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Jan 20 - Feb 17
Feb 18 - Mar 19