The signs of aging that you increasingly observe in the mirror most mornings, are exactly that this month. Saturn suggests you invent for yourself a facial massage, rubbing gently those parts of the face that are becoming wrinkly or crinkly, while chanting a mantra of your own choosing. If that fails - get older, fatter, crinklier, friends.

Your course at night college on how to say things ironically is going well. The planets applaud your attempts to be sarcastic exclusively through the tone and pitch of certain words rather than technically through the actual words you are saying. The method of sarcastic pitch is a favored Jupiter method and is completely imperceptible to detect in any transcript of the conversation given to law officers and courts.

That email from Africa saying that they wanted to give you $17,657,000, that you deleted thinking it was spam on the 18th of last month, was completely genuine, idiot.