Telephone calls expressing love or infatuation, Mel Gibson type vitriol, and wrong numbers, will be in the ratio 3: 1: 5 this month as your local exchange comes under the influence of a tabloid friendly Saturn.

Five ballpoint pens you lost in the 1996-2005 celestial period will be found on the second Wednesday of the month.

Beware any Oscar Wilde inspired, Saturn encouraged, moments of wisdom attempts this month that you might try to pass off as your own. Beware in particular these actual words or any form of derivative thereof: "I have nothing to declare but my genius", "the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about" and "a handbag?"

This month your destiny has a bucket and spade and is heading for the beach.