During ups and downs this month, favour the ups by 5 to 1. In particular, avoid the exhalation 'Weee-eeeeeee' in any up, and particularly down, slides, falls or slips.

Polar bears and penguins, yes we know they live on different continents, are both absolutely terribly starred. Avoid both at the risk of icy, watery, funny outtake grade, conclusions.

Neptune has a plan to put on a musical to raise money for the local youth group. Don't get involved - run away and don't come back until the fat lady with the heavy eyebrows has sung and it's been on the news or YouTube whichever happens first.

An eating or drinking competition may provide extreme toilet based excitement in an otherwise humdrum month.

This month your destiny has a 9% chance of pulling through.