Any attempt at weight loss is futile this month as a whale is about to be seemingly named after you. Now, obviously, it's not being named after you, it's all just complete coincidence, you have the same surname that is all, however Saturn and Uranus will do all in their powers to make you think otherwise for reasons known only to themselves.

A convoluted explanation you attempt to spin to a police officer or some kind of traffic control official will come back to haunt you around the 18th of the month. Your only hope to stop this going any further is to back up your claims with heavily Photoshopped evidence. Mercury has nothing to add, but promises to enjoy the show.

This month your destiny has a chip on its shoulder that only a thorough jigging can fix.