You will discover, much to your chagrin, that a 1970's retro disco has been named after you - it's opening downtown this month. Offer to guest open it in flared trousers and big hair for not less than $1000 appearance money or free drinks for life.

As a typical Virgonionian you will fail in your New Year's resolution by 17th of the month, which is actually a record for you. Resolutions involving sex or pets are particularly badly starred, however resolutions involving sex and fruit and in particular sex and pears are well starred.

An argumentative/spitty animal with a mane has committed itself to a plan of attack around the 29th which is set to inconvenience you and your local community already on a heightened terror alert.

Avoid New Years resolutions involving hippopotami and plankton.