On watching the news on the 18th you will be surprised to see a painting of your grandfather in a museum in St Petersburg, Russia. Make all the necessary calls to find out who this person actually is.

A spam e-mail you receive around 27th will advise you on the virtues of a liquid which stops people going bald. If bald headedness bothers you, shave all of your hair off immediately, get it over with and enjoy life with renewed vigor. (By the way, if you have already bought this product, it is also being sold as a method of increasing the size of your penis. You might as well try it, the worst case scenario is that you get a really hairy willy.)