'Mischievous' Mars will remind you this month of a saying that your grandmother used to have, which went something like this: "A slap is as good as a tickle to a man who has been slapped a lot." Beware of using this phrase before the 14th of the month, and, afterwards, only use it in the presence of pets or people with whom you have a purely sexual relationship.

An argument will erupt around the 17th with a person who hears only the exact opposite of everything you say. Do not, under any circumstances, reverse your argument to make that person understand if there is any possibility you could be overheard by a third party who will then enter into a seemingly endless triple-pronged argument leading on to a 1970's-style situation-comedy argument nightmare but without any prospect of a commercial break.

Remember that violence involving custard pies is only a trip to the cake shop away.

This month the stars indicate that your favored tune to hum or whistle will be any Aretha Franklin hit from the 1960s.