You will be struck by the sudden, all knowing, Eureka-type, realisation this month that you are completely insane. Never fear! You are under the influence of a relatively common turbulence in the Martian atmosphere. What is uncommon, here, is that you will be standing directly under the influence at 6:04pm on the 4th with the result that it will affect you 137 times more than usual.

A person with a grudge to settle will use a strange martial arts technique to pull you to the ground without touching you on the 8th. This is possible due to a temporary conjunction of the Earth's chi with a Neptunian gravitational anomaly. It really is hilarious to watch and Jupiter is looking forward to the event in a David-Copperfield-is-on-the-TV-with-a-new-magic-trick-tonight type way.

A knot you tied in your youth will come back to haunt you on Wednesdays.