The FBI have added your name to their list of suspected internet porn lovers. Any threatened prosecution will fail to proceed due to lack of funds, but it might mean you get an above average amount of junk mail for sex items through the post. Keep all of this junk mail, it will be valuable to porn collectors later in the century.

The foot massage machine you bought last month will malfunction, ripping the small toe from your right foot; ensure packs of ice are on hand around the 16th. At the first sound of tearing flesh, quickly pack the toe in ice and get someone to drive you quickly to the hospital where it can be re-affixed.

It is important that you keep your foot above your head to stem the bleeding at all times, even if you are driving to the hospital yourself.