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| XXX |
Studio executives summary / pitch
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| A new paradigm in spy movie-tainment (it says here). Extreme sports star becomes spy for the USA... Weeeeeeeeee! |
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Short plot
summary |
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Vin Diesel (Xander Cage - he has XXX tattooed on his neck) plays a brilliant extreme sports master with an attitude, who is approached by the NSA to work for them as a secret agent (or we'll put you in jail 'big tatty boy'). |
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What our
panel of critics thought |
"Vin Diesel once again reprises his big chested baddy image, this time a secret agent with attitude and tattoos all over and a voice so low it could graze your knees.""I have always wanted to fire a tranquilizer dart since Daktari was on television in the 1970's. But in this movie, the lion in question is our Vin. Thank goodness he has all that muscle or they could have broken something.""The diner scene reminded me of a dream I once had involving prunes, cream and a small sprout, would you like me to continue? It wasn't pretty.""A Hitchcockian masterpiece but without the big gut.""Prague is one of my most favorite cities in the world. An architectural triumph enhanced by explodey bullets.""The world is a much safer place with people like Xander Cage on our screens. Bravisimo quinticento OOeee!""And according to the DVD commentary Vin Diesel doesn't actually have any tattoos at all..." |
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Please
tell me the ending or whole plot if necessary
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| Xander Cage infiltrates the baddies in Prague who are keen to set off a weapon of mass destruction. But do not fear, folks, our Xander either blows up, shoots or punches to death anyone who stands in his way, whilst doing 'the superman' on his motorcycle. |
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Quotable quotes (real) |
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"I
live for this shit." "Video
Games are our education." "The
things I am going to do for my country." |
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What snack
should I eat/drink while watching this movie? |
Body builder 'super-pumped up pecs' milk additive. |
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Alternative
casting suggestions |
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Any baldy who wants less than $20million a picture. Mini me as XXX. |
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If I were
to watch this at home how best should I sit? |
| In
the about to skydive position, but without the goggles. |
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If
a character from this film were to be asked on Jerry Springer what would the heading
of the show be? |
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Jerry, for a change let's not use our voices here tonight, man, let's let our chests do the talkin - you know what I mean? |
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Is there
enough licky love in this film? |
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It's alluded to although thankfully there are no flappy tongues. None of the subtle double entendres of the James Bond movies - although our hero never says "lay down babe, I want to stick my willy in you!", but it's a close call. |
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Does this
film stand up to rigorous reality testing? |
| A large number of very big and dangerous special effects pepper this movie. The main problem we have with this movie is the setups to the stunts. Now, we are not extreme sports enthusiasts, but we are sure it takes ages to set stunts up like the ones in this movie. Xander just does them without thinking about it... Perhaps a few more minutes working on blueprints or at least measuring things up with his thumb and forefinger (like painters do to get the perspective right) would help. |
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Would your
pets enjoy this movie? Would your dog like it? Other pets? |
| Flying pets are not impressed by extreme sports as, in the main, they are mostly things that their great granddad's can still do; it's just not cool, man. Dogs are scared of skiing - to them it looks like skiers are slipping fast down a hill - something they know from experience hurts your bottom. Any cat worth his salt has learned to backflip like that since they were two weeks old - expect bored vandalism - it's old hat dude! |
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Could
you work out while watching this movie?
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| This is a classic movie to watch down the gym, although perhaps best to avoid the pec deck when Diesel is topless to avoid complete depression. Stunningly mountainously firmly enormous pecs, well done Vin, a gymtastic achievement! |
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What
can I take from this movie to make me a better person? |
| Yes, you can be this cool with just an all over shave of your head and ten years down the gym. |
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Would this
movie win awards for performances of the f-word? |
| No. A disappointing effort all round. |
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Does the
film attempt technobabble? If so does this succeed? |
| Some of the sliding on tray stunts are not possible, we have been told by our tray sliding experts. |
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Other comments
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| A generously funded outing with some very good special effects. Being set in Prague is a bonus, and with Samuel Jackson alongside Vin Diesel, the cast is impressive for its type. Has all of the limitations of its genre plus a big furry necked jacket which we thought Starsky had burned in the 1970's. Don't miss anything important to watch this movie, but if its on it'll pass the time well enough. |
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Date
of review |
| March 16, 2003 |
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