Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid who is apparently a secret agent on Mars which is controlled by evil Vilas Cohaagen. OR IS HE?

Sort of like an over complicated, muscular, Truman Show with all the baddies being pleasingly shot, slapped or exploded before the closing credits.

"Interesting tangential reality shit. Bitch, get me another beer."

"Who is the goody, who the baddy? Why does nobody wear the white and black hats these days? It's so difficult to make sense of this generation."

"I went on a holiday like that once and I got a refund after a 5 year legal suit."

"2084 AD seems very noisy to me, my dear. If I am around I hope I have lost what is left of my hearing."

"The movie is fine, but what annoyed me more than anything was the cack-handed in-film brand placement. These included Pepsi with the old white background, and Sony Trinitron. This is 2084 guys and even in 2002 the brands have changed. I want a refund."

"The lighting in this movie is very red. At first, I thought my TV had gone berzerk again but it hadn't, that's about as much as I can say about this movie - I got a good workout as I slapped the TV about."

"This is, like, all of those soap story-lines of the 1970's, about memory loss, all rolled into one honest-Joe against the evil bastards plot. Moderately good, but I would have preferred to watch Blade Runner again."

Quaid pays a company to implant his brain to make him someone else for a holiday. It goes horribly wrong, or is it a dream?

Talk of embolisms, lobotomy's and f-words fly all over the place before Quaid finally flattens everything.

He is fighting an evil conspiracy led by Cohaagen - this is completed after a number of explosions. It ends with our hero and Melinda arm in arm, kissing.

Wife: "Honey, you wouldn't shoot me would you sweetheart?"

Bang!

"Consider that a divorce."

A tin of peaches (in own juice).

In the about to have an embolism position - strap yourself down or you'll do some damage.

A brief moment of in-bed pec slapping madness with Arnie looking surprisingly thin but it is his apparent wife so that's OK.

Not much humor in this explosion fest (unless removing large objects from your nose is amusing, in which case this could be a comedy classic).

This is a popular movie in the tropical fish world - many will stop their pretty-boy bathing while this is on the TV.

The more intelligent cat could use the movie to get the more delicious tropical fish that may have absent mindedly floated within paw reach of the surface.

Your dog could well stand happily with the cat on his back helping her eat the tropical fish, jumping theatrically when there is an explosion in the movie which could either leave the cat dangling by her one paw, in the tank or in a heap on the floor.

Yes.

Why not make it a themed session? - select your deformity from the following list

• Triple breasts
• Only one eye
• Big scar face
• Favorite movie star as small being in stomach

An oversized nose bung.

Yes. The f-words come from all directions if you are watching this in surround. Arnie performs a memorable f-word in a foreign accent.

Yes. Unfortunately, there is technobabble overload in places.

The problems all stem from the fact that Arnie looks like another person, so you don't really know who is who at times (interesting when they have a shoot out, but frustrating if you are going senile - if you are going senile we suggest a note pad and pen).

Exceptional special effects and a very good idea for a movie, but it's a little too long and loud. The hard of hearing may particularly enjoy this movie.

In their day, the special effects were quite impressive - from a woman's head opening up like a can of peaches, to a small baby talking in the stomach of one of the actors, and Arnie pulling a glowing globule from his nose...

June 12 , 2002