Studio executives summary / pitch
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| OK,
George wants to finish off his 6 picture trilogy now. Just give him the money.
|
Short plot
summary |
|
Qui-Gon
Jinn (Liam Neeson), a Jedi, with his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor
doing an Alec Guiness impersonation), are out saving the universe, protecting
princesses (all the usual stuff) when they come across an 8-ish year old Anakin
Skywalker (aka in later movies Darth Vader)(Jake Lloyd (I)) who serves as a slave.
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What our
panel of critics thought |
"The special
effects are amazing, however the actors have difficulty looking the animated characters
in the eyes. I want my money back and punitive damages too.""It's
like a computer game but with no interactivity. Surely they are missing a marketing
opportunity here? I for one would personally would like to play with my joy stick
throughout this entire movie. Perhaps this feature is on the super special effects
DVD out just in time for Christmas? I certainly hope so.""For
a child actor, the guy who plays Anakin is extremely good, if a little too short.""Jar
Jar Binks, you annoying prick! If there is any way I can edit you out of the special
edition DVD then please show me which key to press - I am perfectly willing to
keep my finger on the button for the whole movie, risking white knuckle injuries
later in life.""Those
English actors are just so cheap...and that Ewan McGregor, who, I am told, comes
from Scotland in England, is such a nice person, and boy can he hold his sabre.
A joy!""There
is strange character overload in this movie: From characters with two heads, to
one's with squashed faces. It's almost as if they have been designed specifically
for the merchandising sell through market, and for their impact on cereal packets.
Apart from that, ho hum." |
Please
spoil this movie completely by telling me the ending. |
| Oh
come on, it's a prequel you know how it ends already. Anakin
wins his freedom from slavery in a race. He goes off with Qui-Gon Jinn. Due to
an administrative error on Qui's part, however, he is not allowed to have two
apprentices by the force leaders. They
get into a fight and Qui gets killed by Darth More (aka ZiggyLined face). Then
Obi kills ZiggyLined face in an amazing feat of Jedi back-flippage against seemingly
impossible odds. Those not dead already live happily ever after, or at last until
the next episode.
Yoda, Jar Jar Binks, C3PO (Anakin created him) and R2-D2 also star. |
Quotable quotes (real) |
|
"Your
focus determines your destiny." |
What snack
should I eat while watching this movie? |
Special edition
Star Wars character shaped and colored popcorn. |
If I were
to watch this at home how best should I sit? |
In
the position of before dinner grace in a McDonalds restaurant. |
Is
there enough licky love in this film? |
| None
whatsoever. However, in compensation, there is a very long tongue, courtesy of
Mr Jar Jar Binks. Watch out for the apple-grabbing-with-your-tongue madness, and
one of cinema's classic sticky-out tongue "Nneeeerrrr!" moments which
in real life could get the under 13's sent to their room. |
Does this film stand up to rigorous reality testing? |
| Nothing
makes sense whatsoever. |
Would your
cat enjoy this movie? Would your dog like it? Other pets? |
| Dogs
will not like Jar Jar Binks and could become overly aggressive with cushions -
avoid the Jar Jar Binks dog chew at all costs as the violence with which your
dog will eat the chew could lead to extensive doggy-dental repairs. Cats
will prefer to catch mice rather than watch this movie. Mice
will enjoy this movie but will be too busy hiding from the cats to enjoy it, ensure
enough cushions are on hand throughout, behind which they can hide. |
What
can I take from this movie to make me a better director? |
Tip
for directors of hit movies: Start at episode 4 then if it all goes well you have
a guaranteed three picture deal at the end of it. |
Would
this movie win awards for performances of the f-word? |
| Unlikely,
however the audience could compensate by shouting it in the quiet bits - try to
catch a Cynical Movie Society viewing of this in your area, or particularly on
your trip to Europe. |
Does the film attempt technobabble? If so, does this succeed? |
| It's
all technobabble. Let's face it, you either like Star Wars or you don't. If you
don't you won't be watching. If you do you need the
technobabble... |
Other comments
|
| An
adequate Saturday matinee effort. The critics went wild in their criticism of
this movie and there is much wrong with it, but if you are disappointed then you
really only have yourself to blame... The
movie delivers what it can, given the fact it has to set up the story later in
the series, adds in a bit of philosophy and has some sensational special effects.
Cut the movie up into 20 minute chunks and you have a modern day Flash Gordon
series. |
Date
of review |
December 4
, 2002. |