Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson), a Jedi, with his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor doing an Alec Guiness impersonation), are out saving the universe, protecting princesses (all the usual stuff) when they come across an 8-ish year old Anakin Skywalker (aka in later movies Darth Vader)(Jake Lloyd (I)) who serves as a slave.

"The special effects are amazing, however the actors have difficulty looking the animated characters in the eyes. I want my money back and punitive damages too."

"It's like a computer game but with no interactivity. Surely they are missing a marketing opportunity here? I for one would personally would like to play with my joy stick throughout this entire movie. Perhaps this feature is on the super special effects DVD out just in time for Christmas? I certainly hope so."

"For a child actor, the guy who plays Anakin is extremely good, if a little too short."

"Jar Jar Binks, you annoying prick! If there is any way I can edit you out of the special edition DVD then please show me which key to press - I am perfectly willing to keep my finger on the button for the whole movie, risking white knuckle injuries later in life."

"Those English actors are just so cheap...and that Ewan McGregor, who, I am told, comes from Scotland in England, is such a nice person, and boy can he hold his sabre. A joy!"

"There is strange character overload in this movie: From characters with two heads, to one's with squashed faces. It's almost as if they have been designed specifically for the merchandising sell through market, and for their impact on cereal packets. Apart from that, ho hum."

Oh come on, it's a prequel you know how it ends already.

Anakin wins his freedom from slavery in a race. He goes off with Qui-Gon Jinn. Due to an administrative error on Qui's part, however, he is not allowed to have two apprentices by the force leaders.

They get into a fight and Qui gets killed by Darth More (aka ZiggyLined face). Then Obi kills ZiggyLined face in an amazing feat of Jedi back-flippage against seemingly impossible odds. Those not dead already live happily ever after, or at last until the next episode.

Yoda, Jar Jar Binks, C3PO (Anakin created him) and R2-D2 also star.

"Your focus determines your destiny."

Special edition Star Wars character shaped and colored popcorn.

In the position of before dinner grace in a McDonalds restaurant.

None whatsoever. However, in compensation, there is a very long tongue, courtesy of Mr Jar Jar Binks. Watch out for the apple-grabbing-with-your-tongue madness, and one of cinema's classic sticky-out tongue "Nneeeerrrr!" moments which in real life could get the under 13's sent to their room.

Nothing makes sense whatsoever.

Dogs will not like Jar Jar Binks and could become overly aggressive with cushions - avoid the Jar Jar Binks dog chew at all costs as the violence with which your dog will eat the chew could lead to extensive doggy-dental repairs.

Cats will prefer to catch mice rather than watch this movie.

Mice will enjoy this movie but will be too busy hiding from the cats to enjoy it, ensure enough cushions are on hand throughout, behind which they can hide.

Tip for directors of hit movies: Start at episode 4 then if it all goes well you have a guaranteed three picture deal at the end of it.

Unlikely, however the audience could compensate by shouting it in the quiet bits - try to catch a Cynical Movie Society viewing of this in your area, or particularly on your trip to Europe.

It's all technobabble. Let's face it, you either like Star Wars or you don't. If you don't you won't be watching. If you do you need the technobabble...

An adequate Saturday matinee effort. The critics went wild in their criticism of this movie and there is much wrong with it, but if you are disappointed then you really only have yourself to blame...

The movie delivers what it can, given the fact it has to set up the story later in the series, adds in a bit of philosophy and has some sensational special effects. Cut the movie up into 20 minute chunks and you have a modern day Flash Gordon series.

December 4 , 2002.