Kirk has been promoted to the rank of Admiral. He returns to Captain the USS Enterprise as there is a 'thing' out there.

Voyage of discovery at the beginning of a five picture deal.

Characters:

• Mr Spock is very logical
• Mr Bones is very testy towards Mr Spock
• Mr Scottie is determined to continue with his Scottish accent straight from a 1930's US movie
• Ms Uhuru is keenly on hand to make up the numbers
• Captain Kirk is dreamy

"My, this could have been set in San Francisco and be about a killer whale and I still would have watched it. I guess I will have to wait for the fourth in the series for that moment of wonder. Darn it!"

"A satisfying transfer from TV to the big screen. It's like a reunion of childhood friends all in a computer game generated backdrop but without the chewing gum on seats."

"A highly philosophical plot, not much time wasted running and zapping with their phasers. A disappointment."

"A veritable cornucopia of logical thought with pointy ears. Don't expect Blade Runner, but it is much better than the trash Sci-fi show of the 1960's, the colors are much better and the special effects don't make the walls wobble. A triumph!"

"Captain Kirk pulls his stomach in with gusto, although there is little need for his legendary punchy-fists to save the day. All in all a nicely wordy piece."

"The Spock-alise: one of my earliest disappointments in childhood. It was not until my 15th year when I realized that you couldn't make someone unconscious by just nipping their shoulder like Mr Spock (I assumed I was doing it wrong). I and my fellow class members would spend hours nipping each others shoulders but with no result; indeed it seemed only to aggravate the beating we then had to endure from those much rougher than ourselves."

"Captain Kirk was once voted the best manager of all-time by a management consultancy. I bet if he didn't get what he wanted, he could just let that stomach out - a submission would surely follow."

V-ger is the Voyager 6 space probe - it is looking for its creator as it has mutated into an artificial intelligence type non-human-feeling-creature. Will it and Mr Spock marry? Close, but no C-ger.

To continue on its evolution, Decker, from the Enterprise, agrees to be melded to almost certain death off screen in a moment of human growth experimentation madness. There must be a spin off series in this somewhere... Never fear, all the main characters live for the sequel.

Any phaser shaped chocolate bar.

In the 'let's go to warp speed' position - make sure you do not hold a drink when you do this or it will be all over the sofa within seconds.

Dogs will happily perform dog love on William Shatners leg within a moment of meeting him - he is a God of dog owners - do not invite him around to your apartment without tying up your mutt securely.

Cats dislike Captain Kirk, preferring Mr Scottie; cats prefer tartan.

Scottish Parrots will become visibly distressed during the movie as Scottie's accent is not that good and were they to 'do' this accent their resale value would plummet.

The special effects are a million times better in this movie than in the TV series and at last it is no longer THE SIXTIES IN SPACE which was our objection to the TV series.

June 5, 2002