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Jean-Claude Van Damme in KickBoxer
Studio executives summary / pitch
Jean-Claude Van Damme is a grown-up Karate Kid, in a Belgian-in-Thailand punch and travelogue fest.
Warning: This is a super simple film.
Short plot summary

Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Kurt Sloane, brother to Eric (Dennis Alexio) who is beaten to disability by bad boy boxer Tong Po. It's a tale of suffering against all the odds to win punch drunk revenge by the end credits.

What our panel of critics thought

"I feel sure there is a joke with Tong Po as the punch line but it escapes me at the moment."

"I have never seen so many sucker punches in all of my life, has he heard of blocking? At this rate he is going to lose his pretty boy looks. Thank goodness all of the punches clearly stop about half an inch before hitting him."

"An entertaining unlikelyfest for those times when you are drunk to incapacity. Few of the moves would work in real life but they must have had fun making the picture. I wonder how many knuckleheads have broken their feet kicking someone's head in like that."

"I have always wanted to tear in half one of those heavy looking championship boxing belts, luckily, in this film, it looks like they are made out of cardboard. A triumph of tear-tertainment!"

"The moral of the tale is: never trust a referee in a pink shirt!"

"Tong Po is the Mike Tyson (early invincible version) of KickBoxers, but with a pig tail. Surely anyone could grab hold of his girly hair and swing him over their shoulders? Nobody thinks of this, of course - have I attained a higher level of spiritual enlightenment? or have I been playing StreetFighter too long on my Playstation? Oh, bring it on anyway!"

"I liked the bit when the trainer dropped that wooden ball from the top of that tree onto Claude's stomach to prove his stomach muscles had hardened. Lucky hit there, a few inches lower and his balls would have been squashed (although based on the rest of this super-cruel movie I am sure they considered that as an option)."

Please tell me the ending or whole plot if necessary

Bad boy Tong Po is beaten-up by our hero in spite of him bending the kick boxing rules one last time by attempting to spear our hero with a burning javelin.

They presumably all live happily ever after as there are two sequels. Jean-Claude does not grace them with his presence, however.

Quotable quotes (real)
"Hey, we're family. Let's kick some ass."
What snack should I eat/drink while watching this movie?

High protein shakes, high protein biscuits or high protein cream cakes.

If I were to watch this at home how best should I sit?

In one of the following in-picture featured positions of pain:

  • On your back - legs strapped in to complex pulley system for leg extension
  • On your back - in the position of waiting for the heavy ball to drop on your hard stomach muscles from a tall tree
  • The position of 'about to be punched in the head with a boxing glove on a pole'
  • In the Tai Chi position of 'the flappy armed tiger'.
Is there enough licky love in this film?

A small amount of shirt off-lip smacking in the half light. Our Claude, however, is far too busy working up a sweat.

Does this film stand up to rigorous reality testing?

No, it's far too hopelessly dark n'tragic for reality. Perhaps an attempt at a metaphor of a good-guy-going-through-the-pain threshold to attain his goals. That bit is OK (suppose), but it's such a shame that nice tree had to be kicked down to prove a point.

This movie is little more than a basic formula piece.

Would your pets enjoy this movie? Would your dog like it? Other pets?

Dogs are massive fans of Jean-Claude. There is a moment in this movie when a piece of meat is put in his trousers to make a dog chase him. This is unnecessary, all dogs would be prepared to chase him like that anyway.

Cats are not that impressed with muscle. All cats know it's how furry you are that determines how tough you are, and Jean-Claude has no body hair - thus, most cats cannot take him seriously. Expect the odd back-of-the-throat dry gurgle at times, possibly some sick.

Mice will not be able to stop giggling at the boxing gloves on sticks.

Could you watch this movie down the gym?

Yes, but avoid anyone with boxing gloves on a pole, especially when on the rowing machine.

What can I take from this movie to make me a better person?

Try not to kick anyone in the head like that as you will break your foot.

Would this movie win awards for performances of the ass word?

Our hero shouts this to bad boy boxer Tong Po after his initial bout. F-word lovers are also well catered for. This is an 18 rated movie.

Does the film attempt kickboxobabble? If so, does this succeed?

Sadly, most of the moves do not work in reality, but look spectacular on the big screen. However, most of the moves do all work perfectly in the dance studio, so if you need to pick a fight there go for it, otherwise pirouette for the hills.

Other comments

One of those 'little-big-muscly-guy' wins against the 'big-bad-muscly-guy' after everyone has had a good laugh at his expense along the way, movies.

Would be a nice self improvement type movie if it was a little less tacky. There are times in this movie when you wonder if it could get any more hopeless and nasty, and then it does, although, thankfully, hot steam-iron boxing is avoided.

Jean-Claude acts to type and fans will not be disappointed, although the plot doesn't make much sense.

Date of review

April 28 , 2003

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