Much macho mayhem as oil riggers are sent into space to drill into an asteroid which is pinging its way towards earth. Their aim is to drill down into the rock, put explosives down the hole, and then blow it up.

"This movie is a close encounter of the dumb kind."

"Did Independence Day use that same library footage of all those people all over the world looking up into the skies? I want my money back."

"How low can dumbed down movies go? Not this low surely?"

"It has always been my ambition to go into space to kill myself in order that the whole world could be saved. A triumph from Mr Willis who looks as if he is about to laugh outrageously as soon as the camera stops rolling."

"I know, I know. I am told that this is how football players bond. All I'm saying is - this isn't how the debating society did it."

"Lots of shouting. Even more grabbing each other and throwing each other whilst still shouting at them. I can't wait to get back to the relative sanity of the WWF(E) ring."

"I'm off, please tell me how it ends. On second thoughts don't bother I need to pee for the next hour."

"Bruce, don't stay! Damn, that's a waste of a perfectly good A-List actor."

"If I ever see me another counting down clock or another blue or red wire to cut it will be too soon."

The earth is saved - this leads to a hug fest throughout the world. (Then, soon after, we presume the suicide bombings start up again.)

The Bruce Willis character dies along with a few of the other more annoying characters. Don't fear kids: Ben Affleck lives on for the sequel.

At the end of the movie, an army guy goes up to the daughter of the Bruce Willis character and says: "May I have the honor of shaking the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I ever knew" - or something like that - we ran from the room holding our red glowing faces to be absolutely sure.

This is a dog movie through and through - the movie majors in issues of loyalty and shiny noses. Dogs may feign an injured leg if you attempt to force them to go to their sleep box before the movie ends.

Cats will attempt to topple the limping dog by running fast into the opposite good leg.

Budgerigars will learn a whole new tune during this movie and will sing it for the next six months.

Repeat after me: "On my honor, it is my duty to planet Earth, to save it when called upon. For this I will ask only reasonable expenses and will gladly give my life if it means the continuance of the life of everyone else on the planet."