Studio executives summary / pitch
|
| Underground
garage and swimming pool fighting punch fest. The 'Muscles from Brussels' wins
a few tussles.
|
Short plot
summary |
|
Our hero's brother
is burned into a slowly breathing scab. Jean-Claude van Damme goes to save his
brother, find his family and make sure they are all right by providing money and
cuddly toys, in between punching people for profit. |
What our
panel of critics thought |
"A high
kicking punch fest of eye-blackening proportions.""I
can't wait until Jean-Claude is 80 years of age. Keep up the kicking, my dear,
it comes in useful at the Post Office...""Mr
van Damme seems to take himself ever so seriously, and why not? A fantastic body,
a back-kick never bettered and pecs so hard if you were to accidentally run into
him head first you would be instantly concussed. A wonder!""I
find it very difficult to understand our favorite Belgian citizen, for sometimes
he talks as if his mouth is filled with snails or other small garlicky mollusks,
however when he kick-boxes it is pure poetry. A Round House Wunderbarr!""Now,
that fight in the swimming pool, with the long-haired guy, this needs some analysis.
What is this trying to say?""In
his day, nobody kicked higher.""Nobody
ever called him a Jesse (or if they started they never managed to finish the word)
without expecting a swift punch to the mush. A Jesse calling, mush punching triumph!" |
Please
tell me the ending
|
| There's
nobody left to beat up. His
brother dies. Our hero, Lyon, wins all of his fights, but then the Legion find
him and attempt to take him back. He gets in the car, but comes a-running back
to end with wholesome family-type hug. |
What
snack should I eat while watching this movie? |
| Any
fat free meat from an animal that can kick a high punch in crispy wholesome bread.
|
Alternative
version suggestions |
A competitive
ballet version. |
If I were
to watch this at home how best should I sit? |
In
the classic Kung Fu position of the fed-up-but-hungry tiger. |
Could this
be made into a children's cartoon show? |
Yes. The Teen
Sumos, with stomach staples. |
If
a character from this film were to be asked on to Jerry Springer what would the
subject of the show be? |
This
piece of shit burned my brother - it's not right - it ain't fair... I'm pulling
your nose off with my hands, whilst wearing Lycra, or its the last thing I do... |
Could this
film be improved with more explosions? |
Whilst there
is plenty of the fist fighting malarkey, there is room for more orangey balls
of flame (although the moment of in-boiler room coal shoveling does make up for
this to a certain extent). |
Is
there enough licky love in this film?
|
| Some
in-bed togetherness but never much chance that the Homo-erotica will be compromised.
This is a boy film - girls without cocks be gone! |
Suggest
marketing tie-in products based on this movie |
| Foreign
Legion outfit Book:
'Belgian cooking without snails, but lots of garlic' Book:
'Fist and foot fighting for dummies' |
Does this
film stand up to rigorous reality testing? |
Yes.
If you have spent twenty years tweaking your fist fighting moves to perfection,
what's the point of letting it lie if someone gets in your face? Go cat! |
Would the
scary bits make your cat jump out of your lap causing scratch marks? Would your
dog like it? Other pets? |
|
Jean-Claude
van Damme is another one of those big screen heroes that dogs instinctively love,
however cats dislike him as his pecs are so hard that, were he to cuddle them,
they could get a nasty bruise. In
any case, cats believe that any man with those muscles is clearly not someone
who would remember to feed them. Dogs agree, but know they always have a box of
doggie choco drops on hand for when the canned food has run out, which makes up
for a lot in life. Hedgehogs
and medium sized marsupials could attempt to lick their own feet during this movie.
Ensure they have a saucer of water on hand and a small flannel. |
How much
would you pay for a copy of this movie in goods or services? |
| A
swift upper cut to the solar plexus. |
Would this
movie win awards for performances of the f-word? |
Yes.
This movie has won an award for the f-word in a Belgian accent. |
Does the
film attempt technobabble? If so does this succeed? |
| This
is a technobable free production. Beware:
Many of the boxer-punch positions do not work in real life, but at least they
do not painfully tell us this in what is an otherwise pleasantly mindless movie. |
Other comments
|
| Has
all of the ingredients and qualities of a hard on porn movie, but without the
hard on porn. Don't
try to watch this movie using any normal 'watching a film technique', put it on
the TV with the sound down and have a conversation. If viewed this way it is really
quite fine. The
movie rarely surpasses pleasantly Homo-erotic. A basic plot designed to set up
different fights in varying degrees of shirt-offedness. |
Date
of review |
| June
11 , 2002 |