Achilles (Brad Pitt) is a blonde Godlike warrior who is dismissive of the Greek King of Kings, Agamemnon (Brian Cox). Achilles fights for the Greeks nonetheless as head of a sort of rent-a-riot mob, but with their own riot shields.

Paris (Orlando Bloom) falls in love with Helen of Troy (Diane Kruger); he takes her back to Greece. This ruins a truce between Troy and Greece. The husband that Helen left is furious and he uses this as an excuse to persuade Agamemnon to start up the war with Troy again. Paris try's to avoid all-out war and fights 'angry hubby' himself, but it ends in abject humiliation for Paris who runs away - Hector (Eric Bana), Paris' brother, has to kill Helen's ex himself.

They are at war again for the rest of the movie...

"A lot has been written about Pitt's muscular body. It is nicely done but there is never a moment in the story when you feel that Arnie couldn't have whipped his blonde ass."

"Horribly vicious but in a delicious CGI sauce."

"Greek manly-muscle, female pert-nubiness, a nicely sweaty army - this movie seems to be set in a place where manliness and homoerotica live side-by-side. A disgrace from start to finish!"

"Oh! for heavens sake, you couldn't make this up. They deserved to die, letting that big wooden horse in like that..."

"It's got to be one of the stupidest mistakes in wartime history. Letting a big wooden horse into your fortified castle so that elite members of the other side's army hides in it, then, once night falls, everyone inside the horse gets out and takes them by surprise."

Achilles and Hector fight. Achilles kills Hector. After the promised 12 day respite in the war, the leaders of Troy believe the Gods have given them a wooden horse, however an elite group of Greek warriors are hiding inside it...

The horse is taken into the Troy fortification and, at night, the Greeks hiding in the horse, take the Troy army by surprise. During this melee, and while Achilles is trying to save his lover (cousin of Hector and Paris) Achilles is shot through the ankle by an arrow from the bow of Paris. Achilles dies.

Achilles dying words: "You gave me peace in a lifetime of war."

Paris, after being humiliated by Helen of Troy's husband in a fight: "I gave up my pride, my honour, just to live."

Spit roast ruddy big animal, spit roast pig with apple in mouth, tomato and onion gratin and toast or crackers.

It is difficult to express how highly one rates Wolfgang Petersen, the director of this movie. He is currently one of the greatest epic directors. He does not let us down in what is a magnificent achievement.

There was a time, about 20 years ago, when they said that this kind of 'sandals and skirts' epic would never be attempted again. Too expensive my dear fellow! Oh! how wrong those fools were. Thanks to CGI such a film has never been producable more cost effectively.

Some critics whine about the absence of the Gods! Gadzooks. How much money would they have cost? These criticial plebs must surely not be movie accountants.

All in all this is a magnificent achievement. One is tempted to single out Orlando Bloom for particular praise as his vulnerability during the fight for Helen is almost unwatchabley painful, but Eric Bana, too, is beautifully, nervously, intelligently, played.

It's entertaining to hear Brad Pitt speaking in a James Bond type English accent and he is very memorable, although, when he shouts, Pitt seems to shout with a sort of American twang. Thank the missing Gods they didn't speak English in a Greek accent, though.

The music is hypnotic and the whole staging is lush in a wood and sand sense. The Greek scenery, as always, is super (even though the beach was filmed in Mexico).

In the in-rowing boat position of sweaty shirt-off-ness.

Very nice work indeed, although the ships don't look very realistic when the armada sails in (they couldn't sail in like that they are too close together!) The fighting scenes are good too, see also the battle scenes in Lord of the Rings.

Yes, nothing too saucy, but all nicely erotic. Moments of nicely tangled-up-together naked sleeping. A moment of boobie revealment (Helen) which the camera shows from about three inches above the nipple (no nipples visible) and some pretty amorous neck touching.

• Achilles heel support and body cream gift set
• Book: "Sword fighting for Dummies"
• Coffee table size fruit bowl (coupling as a fighting shield)
• Achilles hair curling tongs and bath robe warmer
• Fire in a bowl (including optional stand)

For a full list of the real bloopers: [here]

Never get in between an argument between a Greek and a Turk.

Wolfgang Petersen is one of the world's top Big Movie directors of his generation and he doesn't disappoint here. Purists may complain about the lack of the Gods, so beit.

This is an impressive movie, with some beautiful performances, suitable for repeated viewings.