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Planet of the Apes (1967)
Alternative title
"Why couldn't we have filmed this in a cold country, I'm sweating my ass off inside this ape suit."
Short plot summary

Charlton Heston, astronaut from 20th century, ends up in world where apes can talk and rule over humans who cannot.

Satire of attitude role reversal.

One of the best endings of a film in history.

What our panel of critics thought

"Apes in charge of the earth, stick a broom up my ass and use me as a broomstick. Silly, cretinous, dumb. The only good thing about this movie is that I found the monkeys sexy in a deeply depraved way, it is now my fantasy to have sex with one. Come to think of it even more, a blow job would be so enjoyable with those ape lips..."

"Over two-third's of the world is water and they crash down unexpectedly two hours on foot from an ape colony. Realism? Kiss my sweet fanny good-bye."

"Naturalistic style of acting, including stumbly pauses, make one wonder if the actor is going to forget his words. Then he does, almost!"

"The event movie of all event movies. Sheer brilliance, if a little dated."

"One of those astronauts was wearing a toupee, I'm sure of it. Oh come on man I thought this was supposed to be naturalistic acting."

"The naked swimming bit was a bit saucy."

"One of the astronauts tells Taylor to 'look at this' - he swims over and then, for the briefest of moments, all three astronauts look down at the penis of the black guy. It's disgraceful we didn't get a look too, was the camera stuck?"

"Was some of the music supplied by a coconut banger having an epileptic fit? Or was it Heston's knackers making that noise?"

"The shock of seeing those apes on horseback shooting guns was immense. I pissed myself and the person sitting next to me."

"The apes' hairstyles and clothing standards are to blame for all of the 1970's fashions. Repent!"

"Planet of the Apes? I would much rather have watched Planet of the Dolphins, they are much more intelligent creatures by far."

"Who is Heston trying to kid? No sex for 2000 years and he passes up a quick shag with fellow prisoner? I'm surprised his testicles didn't explode."

"How come the apes speak English?"

"Heston wouldn't be very good at charades."

"Heston must have been on some sort of aggression drug. Even when he is outnumbered 20 to 1 he still goes to fight someone. You've got to admire his keenness but it is not a good example to set to the youngsters. No wonder street crime rose 3000% in the next 40 years."

"A veritable cornucopia of cross racial digs from apes to man. It made me wonder, no, it made me demand, an answer to the question: for what is society if not for the bewilderment of the individual, beset on all sides by inequities some insurmountable some not, but inequities none the less, oh I've lost the thread now... where was I?"

"These apes looks as if they have human actors inside, they are that good!"

Please tell me the ending or plot overview if necessary

George Taylor and two co-astronauts (one killed, one made a moron by operation on brain) finding themselves on what they believe to be a new planet, go to explore. They find that apes ride around on horses and control humans who cannot talk.

Taylor gets arrested, strikes up a relationship with two apes (Cornelius and Zira) who are toying with the concept that humans have intelligence (for them a treasonous concept). Taylor shows them he can write (he has been shot in the neck so cannot, initially, talk.) And then, in a fit of rage, shouts to the apes showing he can talk. But the guy has an attitude which the apes don't like.

It becomes clear, as the movie progresses, that apes dominate over humans due to a conspiracy, being continued by Doctor Zaius. Human history has been suppressed, apes are only taught the correct text. (A typical 1960's post Kennedy assassination piece...)

Movie ends with Heston and female companion escaping on horse back, after leaving an incident in which he takes Doctor Zaius hostage.

At the end of the movie, Taylor sees Statute of Liberty poking out with a cliff to the side... thus this is planet earth and he is home...

Do not be tempted to watch any of the subsequent movies they got progressively worse (4 sequels in all).

What snack should I eat while watching this movie?
Bananas, and nuts, and a good scratch ALL OVER.
Would the scary bits make your cat jump out of your lap causing scratch marks? Would your dog like it?

Cats will watch, smirking, and for the next month will look at you in a 'look how stupid your race was made to look in that movie' kind of way.

You dog will become very affectionate in a 'I don't mind if you lot are stupid as long as them bitch cats never take charge'.

Pet monkeys could become highly agitated throughout the movie; they could attempt to take control of the building so keep a selection of drugs to control them on hand.

Other comments

Brilliant concept, skillfully executed.

Has dated - get into 1960's frame of mind to fully enjoy this movie.

Today's audience may feel that Heston has an aggressive impulse disorder. When anything happens, and against odds of sometimes 20 to 1, he tries to grab anyone who has just pissed him off. You have to wonder at the guy's mental state, but the 60's were simpler, less head-f-wordy times, today Taylor would have used more psychology.

Other movies of interest
Funny review of 1990's version/remake/reimagining
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