Studio executives summary / pitch
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| Eastend
London thugs, gambling, pot and antiques, delightfully stewed in comedic sauce.
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Short plot
summary |
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The story follows
four cheeky chappie types Eddy (Nick Moran), Bacon (Jason Statham), Tom - Fat
Man (Jason Fleming) and Soap (Dexter Fletcher), who lose at cards with Hatchet
Harry (PH Moriarty) and have to repay his debt, lest Eddy's father JD (Sting)
loses his bar. Meanwhile...
Hatchet Harry has, through Barry the Baptist (Lenny McLean), hired a couple of
small time crooks to steal two guns from a stately home but do not realize their
worth. Mirth ensues as the crooks fight each other to get them. This
gets confused with a battle between our heroes and a group of hoodlums next door
fighting each other over drugs. |
What our
panel of critics thought |
"A triumph
of London Town England entertainment.""Hatchet
Harry smacks to death a man with a big rubber cock (of the penis variety). How
rude!""It
has everything apart from Michael Caine, was he busy?""The
sort of movie you would not like to meet down a dark alley.""Public
school boys vs State school hoodlums. Welcome to England guv'nor.""That
nice Mr Vinnie Jones, looking and acting, once again, ever so mean. Even when
he smiles he looks like he's about to pull your nose off. Bravisimo!" |
Please tell me the ending or plot details if necessary
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| Our
heroes make a lucky escape. Hatchet Harry and Barry the Baptist are shot dead
by the small time crooks, and so the debt is no longer payable. They are left
with the two guns which are about to be thrown off a London bridge by Fat Man...
then our heroes discover the guns are worth around £300,000... cuts to end
song... (18 with a Bullet).. |
Quotable quotes |
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"You
know because you need to know." On
the English North/South divide: Southerner: "F-wording Northern monkey's."
Northerner: "I hate these f-wordin Southern fairies." "It's
been emotional." "He's
better than good, he's a f-wording liability." "Charles,
get the rifle out, we're being f-worded." |
What snack
should I eat while watching this movie? |
Any food bought
from a street trader in London, including squirrel nuts. |
If I were to
watch this at home how best should I sit? |
In the cockney
rhyming slang position of 'any old iron'. |
What should
I wear while watching this movie at home? |
Head
sized sock with eyes and mouth cut out. |
Justify
this movie's existence in the classic strand. From
theVoiceof Reason.com's Veritable Cornucopia
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| Oh
me, oh my. A finely comic outing of the rough and tough underworldlian type. This
is not an England of muffins and Earl Gray tea with a twist of lemon. This is
far more gritty. It is muffins without any butter, and tea without water. Yes,
a rough and toughness rarely seen on the big screen, and never in English Tourist
Board advertisements. The
Eastend of London has been mostly redeveloped by Canary Wharf these days, but
the legends of these rapscallions wheeler-dealing away, lives on in mythology. A
stylized production, calling at times upon Mr Ritchie's pop video making credits.
Is this what the English are like when they are not dressed up to the 9's in Beef-eater
uniforms?
Definitely not a movie for all tastes, but of its type it is a gem. |
Could this movie be improved with more singing? |
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Yes.
A nice accapella would not go amiss in the van as our heroes drive to the heist.
Instead we have to listen to the start and endings of jokes which sound funny
but we doubt have a middle to them at all. |
Is there enough
licky love in this film? |
There is no
love lusty juice at all in this movie, thank the Lord. Terribly disappointing
lack of hard on, no holds barred homosexual love, too: could try harder, or maybe
not. |
How funny is
this film? |
Moments of
inspired English Eastend humor without using the word chestnuts. |
Does this film
stand up to rigorous reality testing? |
Some of the
characters are the genuine article. Note Barry the Baptist is Eastend legend Lenny
McLean, billed as one time world heavyweight bare knuckle boxing champion. He
died (of cancer) shortly after this movie was made, which explains the credit
at the end of the movie. |
Would
your cat enjoy this movie? Would your dog like it? Other pets?
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| Dogs
have all the time in the world for bad boy Vinnie Jones, one of the most vicious
footballers (soccer) of his time, although if he shows any sign of violence towards
them will run for the hills after dropping a slippery patch of doo in their wake.
A recent survey of Rottweillers in England put this movie in their top ten. Cats
are great fans of Nick Moran. They will visibly become enamored during the movie
and will sit, ears in the air until the ending. This may be used as a good time
to spray them with anti-flea powder. All
overweight animals will take an instant liking to 'Fat Man' Tom. |
What can I take from this movie to make me a better person? |
| Don't
mess with Eastend gangsters. |
How much would
you pay for a copy of this movie in goods. |
A small dog
with a poor gene set. |
Would this
movie win awards for performances of the f-word? |
| Yes,
the f-word spoken in an English Eastend accent (A Baf-wordta). |
Other comments
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| The
first feature movie from Guy Ritchie. A classic of its type (English crime caper);
The Lady Killers without the lady killing. Indeed, there is only one woman in
this movie. Recommended
if you are British, and perhaps the English speaking Commonwealth (Australia,
Canada, New Zealand especially), however uncertain appeal in the USA |
Date of review |
| August
7 , 2002 |