Studio executives summary / pitch
|
| This
one will run and run, and run and run, and run and run and run... all 217 minutes
of it... |
Short plot
summary |
|
Lawrence leads
the Arabs to victory in Damascus. |
What our
panel of critics thought |
|
"The
camels are surprisingly wobbly when viewed from behind." "From
that opening music you know you are about to witness something special. However,
inject your ass with something to stop it dropping off." "The
first half is wonderful then it gets a bit dreary. Still, lovely weather for it." "The
longest walk into shot in movie history? Bravo! Nobody puts one foot in front
of the other like Omar Sharif." "I
hear that camels are very rude and spitty - how well behaved the camels were in
this movie, were they on drugs? "A
wonderful drunken-afternoon dozing picture." "It's
pure unadulterated sunshine in this movie." "That
extra 35 minutes they rediscovered for the director's cut is worth every minute
of it." "I
thought the Bedouin were the invisible people of the desert! Omar, you didn't
move fast enough mate!" "Answers
the age old question... do camels shit in the desert? - it seems not. No wonder
they are such pissy creatures, I hope I'm not around when they break wind." "The
enormity of the desert is what I was amazed by. That and the amount of ice cream
I was able to eat at intermission. " "There
are no women in this movie, is this significant?" "If
I see me another wobbling camels butt it will be too soon." "Well
done, Lawrence, for a text book attempt to get someone out of a quick sand spot...
shame it didn't work, but those the breaks." "Peter
O'Toole is perfectly cast as an English educated toff whose head has been muzzled
by too much midday sun." "I
have never seen more sand in all my life, did it win an Oscar? I want my money
back." "I
saw this film on television once and they scanned it for the small screen all
wrong. I can't ever remember seeing Lawrence himself until the second half - lots
of sand and sky though. Beautiful." |
Please
tell me the ending or whole plot if necessary
|
| T.E.
Lawrence is a maladjusted officer sent to Arabia. When
he gets there, his single mindedness impresses the locals, but makes the British
suspect. Lawrence,
after gaining their trust, leads the Arabs to victory in Damascus and is subsequently
seen as a hero. He
dies in a motorcycle crash in England. |
What snack should I eat while watching this movie? |
| "Absolutely
peachy" ice cream using the authentic Bedouin method of eating with your
right hand, or if you prefer use a spoon. |
Alternative
casting suggestions |
|
Top
Cat special edition Lawrence
- Top Cat Sheik
on camel 1 - Benny Sheik
on camel 2 - Brains |
If this
was on at a drive-in what weather conditions would you endure to see it to the
end. |
| Mild
sand storm / hurricane, medium sized camel stampede. |
If I were
to watch this on video/DVD how best should I sit? |
| In
the butt-not-touching-anything position. This movie is the King of butt numbness
- work that ass or lose that ass. |
If
a character from this film were to be asked to do a road safety public service
film, how would it go?
|
| In
the this-is-not-how-to-be-safe kinda way. Sit
sidesaddle on motor cycle with crash helmet loosely fastened to head. Drive
on wrong side of the road. If you see oncoming cyclists do not stop - ping yourself
into the air as if an acrobat dismounting from a trampoline. Leave your fetching
driving goggles on small branch. Say:
"Ooops awfully sorry dear boy," then walk with a limp to the nearest
telephone box to call an ambulance. |
Is there enough licky love in this film? |
|
No love interest
whatsoever. Just a man and his camel which slurps noisily over every gob-full
of thick mucus. Nothing romantic there at all. |
Suggest
marketing tie-in products based on this movie |
| Dress
up as Lawrence of Arabia costume set. Course
of ten: How to speak the English upper-class toff way. A
very long and technical history book of this period in history with no pictures
or maps, but with a musty/damp smell. Lawrence
of Arabia camera with big explodey hand-held flash Lawrence
of Arabia color-in map kit. Camel
spit - slime - "it clings to the wall!" |
On screen
bloopers left in? |
Lawrence
says he will only eat food like the Bedouin - but he uses his left hand which
is only ever used by the Bedouin to stick up their ass. Only the right hand is
clean enough for eating food. In real life the locals would have run away and
would have refused to talk to him, slapping their butts provocatively and spitting. A
Bedouin on his own in the desert is completely naked - he does not wear clothing
of any type as this slows him down. They only ever dress when someone else is
in eye shot. Whilst
women are illegal amongst the Bedouin, at least 20 of them were used secretly
as extras to save money |
Would
the scary bits make your cat jump out of your lap causing scratch marks? Would
your dog like it?
|
| Cats
will enjoy the plot in the first half, but in the second half they may choose
to play with a ball of wool or climb on furniture screeching at the tops of their
voices. Dogs
are likeliest to chase the cats, barking at the top of their voices. Horses
find camels hysterically funny - they will not be able to stop laughing when watching
this movie. |
Could you 'do the dirty' while watching this movie? |
| Yes.
If you time it correctly you might be able to do it all in the mid movie lull. |
What can
I take from this movie to make me a better person? |
| One
man can change Empires, world history and his own destiny, and still die stupidly
in a field with his ass in the air. |
How much
would you pay for a copy of this movie in goods. |
A
small dog given for Christmas by a favorite aunt. |
Other comments
|
The first half
is excellent (the opening music is superb) then it slows towards the end. This
review was completed on the newly restored directors cut 1989. On full volume,
the music will waft you away to another time and place, but possibly into deep
restful sleep from which you may be awoken with some surprisingly loud shooty
bits. The
movie is very long and has an intermission in it. Use this gap intelligently to
get in supplies and work that ass to ensure its continued usefulness after the
movie has ended. |