Oliver Stone's dramatization of Jim Garrison's investigation into the assassination of John F Kennedy.

"Is there anyone left who still thinks Oswald did it?"

"OK Oliver, you've had your say, why would they do it?"

"I love this movie so much I'm thinking of getting JFK tattooed on my ass."

"General X, you blabber mouth!"

"A conspiracy theorists orgasm, directioned perfectly into the handkerchief of evidence."

"Tommy Lee Jones will you please talk slower, I and the girls in the Home for the Frequently Incapacitated, can hardly hear you, dear boy."

"This is Kevin Costner's finest hour. And that's just the summing up!"

"That Zapruder film still sends shivers down my spine."

"Costner is not a half bad actor, what with crying like that in court. Still, it's such a shame about Waterworld."

"Why, if it wasn't that nice John Candy fellow playing a fat sneeky villain. Whyohwhyohwhy was he typecast into all those fat men roles?"

"Kevin Bacon, you sexy lump of homo-hunk."

"Is that Roseanne's sister? Now a deputy DA? My, how well she has done for herself."

"That Sissy Spacek, I've steered away from her ever since those horrible scenes in Carrie where she bled all over the place. Thankfully she didn't try to do the same thing in this movie."

"That Walter Matthau was always such a sour-puss. If I was him, I'd pump myself full of laughter juice and laugh all the way to the bank."

"Wonderfully sinister. A powerful argument from an influential director. Shame it didn't change a damn thing."

"Ever since this movie I've been waiting to hear, on the news, of Oliver Stone's sudden, violent, death. Hasn't happened yet, but I am sure when it comes, blood and giblets will fly with gusto."

"All of Costner's films were shit after this movie - is this a conspiracy?"

"OK Ok Ok. So go through this slowly again: How don't you know Oswald wasn't behind the fence in the front right?"

"A school book depository always sounded no good to me."

"I did an experiment with a bouncy head dog in my car, and if you shot the sucka from behind I can confirm it went back and to the left. Has anyone else tried proving this case this way? I think I'm on to something, only another month and I can concentrate on this full time..."

"Your honor - I can explain it all with my magic penis theory."

Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy.

President Kennedy was shot by marksmen who got him in a triangular position to ensure his death. The Zapruder film clearly shows his head going back to the left, which is not consistent with a shot from the back (ie from the School Book Depository where Oswald apparently was), but from the front right.

The reason for the assassination: It was a coup d'etat. The armaments industry is all powerful and Kennedy overstepped the mark by reducing the powers of the CIA and by cutting back on arms spending. One of the first things the incoming president did was reverse the laws Kennedy passed which inevitably, amongst other things, led to the Vietnam war.

"I've been sleeping for three years." Jim Garrison

Roseanne - Garrison's wife

Herve Villichaise - Lee Harvey Oswald

Mickey Mouse - The magic bullet

In the about to give blood position.

I shot JFK t-shirt

My Daddy shot JFK and all he brought me back was this lousy t-shirt meester

Dress up as Roman orgy sexual role playing kit.

Democrat cats are likely to become agitated during the movie. Republican cats will enjoy the movie considerably, purring throughout the summing up and during the constant rerun of the Zapruder film.

Dogs will wake only to watch the Zapruder film.

Small birds are likeliest to sing throughout unless you put a blanket over their cage.

A must see movie, especially if you are American - however there are many critics in the USA as to the accuracy of many of the allegations in the movie...

Elsewhere on the site: Funny JFK Conspiracy Books (Spoof) Conspiracy Nuggets: JFK Assassination