Studio executives summary / pitch
|
| Russell
Crowe in mucho macho Roman gladiator flick |
Short plot
summary |
|
Rome's finest
General in falling out with upstart son of Emperor. Son becomes Emperor after
killing his father, after father said Gladiator, Maximus, should inherit his throne.
Revenge ping pong between these two proponents for rest of movie. |
What our
panel of critics thought |
|
"The
film started and I thought OhMyGod! Crowe talks as quietly as Eastwood, and is
as tall as Cruise. How is this going to work, a whispering shorty commanding the
Roman army? But thanks to good camerawork it sort of works. It's a blisteringly
OK movie." "This
is the sort of film I thought they weren't doing anymore. Thanks to CGI, a grand
world can now be created in which ordinary actors can ply their macho trade without
any of the effort of doing it for real." "A
treasure trove of wonderful homoerotica: from glimpses of shirt-off sword fighting
in the woods to a well muscled star with nicely trimmed beard. I had my hardest
erection for years, a joy!" "I
passed out during the fight scenes they were so realistic. Or was it because that
darn stage hypnotist had f-worded with my brain?" "A
good old fashioned romp in Gladiatorial Rome, except the star dies at the end.
Hopefully this is the last new-man Roman epic - I want a star of a movie who does
not die - I want someone bigger than life to hold my dreams like star dust in
his hands. Don't those modern day film making children know anything? I want my
money back and want it now." "Crowe
is a complete imbecile, he holds a sword like a girl." France Today. "Crowe
exhibits a veritable smorgasbord of rough edges and has muscled himself up to
give a nicely defined performance. When I first heard of the computer graphic
effects I thought, 'OH no, not another real action and cartoon special staring
Daffy Duck'. But I was disappointed in exactly the right way. No Boing! on the
screen anywhere during the fight scenes. Oh such a gloriously sweet disappointment!
I enjoyed it more thanks to my be-champagned breath on my tongue which sang without
care of being overheard across the road: 'Well done, oh God of movies, for giving
me such a wonderful time.' Three hours of that and my ass became numb only in
the last half hour. Not bad. Not bad at all." "I
do hope some of those head exploding scenes were computer graphics effects, otherwise
I have just seen my first main stream snuff movie and that's no good at all." |
Please
tell me the ending or plot overview if necessary
|
| Maximus
, now a famous general, on way home to son and wife after winning war for old
Emperor finds them dead and is arrested by Roman authorities. He
becomes a slave, gets bought by Gladiator pimp. Fights a couple of fights in the
coliseum. Realizes
that being good Gladiator could get him face to face with new Emperor who he knows
killed his son and wife, thus revenge. Gets
his chance, after it is discovered that the son of the Emperor's sister had Maximus's
son. They have a sword fight in the coliseum and Gladiator loses. |
Quotable quotes (real) |
|
"What we
do in life echoes throughout eternity." |
What snack
should I avoid eating while watching this movie? |
| It
is likely that this movie will encourage you to take out gym membership to build
up your body to Roman Gladiator proportions. Avoid those heavily fatty foods you
have stared eating recently. Remember: clenching your butt while watching this
movie will pay off in dividends the first time you step onto that StairMaster
next week. |
Alternative
casting suggestions |
|
Chippendales
special edition - Big
muscled short haired one - Max
- Big
muscled long blond haired one - Emperor I
- Big
muscled very oily haired Italian stallion looking one - Emperor II
- Big
muscled hairy one with ear ring - Gladiator trainer
- Big
muscled long haired Latino looking one with small tattoo on upper left arm - Gladiator
pimp
|
If
I were to watch this on video/DVD how best should I sit?
|
| Standing
in the classic champion body builder's pose: Tighten all those muscles for 3 full
hours ... breathe in and... Huncccctttt... |
How realistic are the very expensive special effects? |
| Super
special effects, although there are a couple of scenes in which it is obvious
the director had run out of money, such as the time in which he got 20 people
watching the gladiatorial combat waving their arms about, filming from behind.
Must have saved thousands of pounds, that segment. |
Is there
enough licky love in this film? |
|
A couple of
sinister incesty bits between brother and sister, nothing full frontal. Nice sexual
tension between the sister of new Emperor and Max in a long time ago in a galaxy
far far away kinda way. |
Suggest
marketing tie-in products based on this movie |
-
Gladiator
gym memberships -
Gladiator
peanuts -
Gladiator
condoms -
Gladiator
Barbecues -
'Gladiator
get in touch with your masculine side outdoors and howl like a wolf seminar and
grill' (vouchers for movie Fight Club included) -
McDonald's
Gladiator burgers -
Gladiator
brush and toothpaste etc |
On screen bloopers left in? (including continuity errors)
|
| Whole
documentaries have been dedicated to discovering the overwhelming amount of bloopers
still in this movie. The
most obvious (real) ones are: -
Blue jeans on horse handler visible in forest during first battle sequence
-
Gas cylinders visible on chariot which overturns in one of the coliseum fight
sequences.
-
Drinking glasses visible in one scene
-
As Max is lying dead from the fight, a small pillow made of sand is clearly visible
under his head.
Some
of the less noticed ones include: A
medium sized pooch runs into the arena to sniff Gladiators crotch in one of the
fight scenes but was overlaid with a lion thanks to CGI techniques. However, the
tail of the dog can still be seen wagging excitedly and Max's eyes look bulging
as he was expecting to act to blue screen for this effect and had thus not protected
his now violently be-nosed tackle. Joan
Rivers is clearly visible in the audience selling snacks - she was not born until
1675. A
poster 'vote Kennedy' is clearly visible on the back of a chariot. |
What can I take from this movie to make me a better person? |
| The
honest little guy always loses against the might of any corrupted establishment. |
Other comments
|
| Just
when we thought this sort of thing was too expensive to make anymore, computer
graphics come along and make it possible. Recently
(2002) voted number 8 best movie of all time in tv viewers poll - it won't be
there in thirty years... |