Once upon a time there was an evil ring. Everyone who owned it was corrupted by its evilness until the locals could take it no longer...

Lovable village elder, Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit, gives the ring to Frodo. Frodo Baggins, also a Hobbit, offers to take the ring back to Mordor, where it was made. (The only way to destroy the ring is by burning it in the fires there.) Hobbit's are not, supposedly, corrupted in the same way as humans...

Frodo, and 8 others, form the Fellowship of the Ring. They set off on a quest, which takes them through Middle Earth, fighting monsters, giant squids and escaping from tombs in almost darkness.

"This was filmed on location in New Zealand, however I never saw a single Sheep! I want my money back."

"Gandalf, you scattered haired cat of a tall man. Shout once more and I am yours!"

"Hmm, so the Elvish word for 'friend' is 'Mellon'. There's a joke in there somewhere."

"I always thought the term Bilbo Baggins was the punch line of a very rude joke. Clearly I am mistaken."

"The original action adventure from which all others come. I could not watch this movie and not but think about Star Wars, Jason and the Argonauts, Harry Potter and Ironside."

"It's the bits where they over-pronounce words that, for me, is the delight that is this other worldly existence that is Lord of the Rings. My computer keyboard does not even have most of the punctuation above the letters of these otherworldly words. Bravisimo!"

"Mr Frodo, excuse me for asking, but did a steam roller rollover your toes? They look all big and floppy to me. Did it hurt?"

"Mr Bilbo Baggins, I do hope you got a refund on your public speaking course. You stunk on ice!"

"Oh! proximity of Go-oshia, East of the Mountain of Gash, come hither and Manx on your Jollikophas!"

If you enjoyed the above dialogue (which I have just made up using my fingers and copious amounts of alcohol in my mouth) then you will love this movie.

A plump goose of a production which seems competent (I have not read the book), although, to be honest, I fell to sleep the first time I watched it. The second time I watched it from the middle of the film determined to watch it all for this review (track 20 for you cheeky DVD types). However, slumber came again before track 28! I have not got the foggiest clue if they got rid of the damn ring in the end. All I saw was Sam and Frodo walking off into the distance, although the weather looked fine.

I feel sure, however, that, based purely on the weight of money behind this movie, you could watch it many times and it would grow on you like a creeping plant that affixes itself onto the outside of expensive houses.

One foot high super cheesy pizza.

Remove all evil rings, before watching, to avoid terrible dismemberment, which would require screaming at the top of your voice throughout.

Ensure all windows and doors are securely fastened, and have a shield on hand for those pesky arrows which could fling themselves into your chest when you least expect it.

There is a significant lack of dancing bellies in this movie, a shame as there are moments of partying (a 111th birthday party no less) which could have been made more realistic by this inclusion.

Everyone in this movie is fit and tanned, apart from the guy who plays the dwarf (although to be fair he is very hairy so he could be tanned underneath his manly-fur and we wouldn't have noticed it).

Gandalf:

One moment of casting aside immortality for love, but thankfully no licking. A triumph of lusty lighting.

Yes. Frodo walks, repeatedly, bare footedly. A triumph of foot fetishism in a PG movie!

Moments of low key humor, unfortunately no belly laughing moments.

Gandalf is a shaggy dog's dream owner.

Cats are, in principle, great Tolkein lovers, although doubt the movie is as good as the book even though they have never read the books.

Animals who live underground for more than 70% of the time will enjoy the scene where the big creature kicks ass.

An evil bastard's face painting kit.

No, unless some of the Lord of the Rings words mean that in their special dialect.

Totally, awesomely, technobabbly in another, special, world, possibly.

An impressive first episode in one of the most expensive trilogies to date (and the first one to be commissioned all together).

The scenery is superb. We will have to read the book one day...

August 9, 2002