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Dogma
Short plot summary

Bartleby (Ben Affleck) and Loki (Matt Damon) have been condemned to walk the earth for their actions against God, a skateboard enthusiast. A Catholic WOW group (attempting to make Catholicism more acceptable to the masses) accidentally provides a gateway through which Bartelby and Loki can pass to get back to heaven. Trouble is, if they do that, the world ends.

Please tell me the ending or whole plot if necessary

Bethany Sloan (Linda Fiorentino) stops them going through the gateway. Both Bartelby and Loki are killed. God, who is released from the body of the elderly skateboard enthusiast, becomes a woman and cart wheels in the grass.

What our panel of critics thought

"Sometimes a movie comes along and you run out of superlatives for it. This movie is one of those movies. I won't start the superlatives as there isn't enough room in my lungs."

"Yep, absolutely hits the button - apart from the Poop Demon, (what was that all about? - did they have too much special effects money?)"

"Affleck and Damon look even more sexy that usual with their big muscular wings. Shame they didn't have their willies on for this movie, but you can't have everything I suppose."

"Jay and Silent Bob (yep the director dude) never fail to provoke a smile. Chris Rock, playing the 13th apostle, provides moments of levity even when he is crashing to earth with a bump!"

"People could look back on this movie as a pivotal movie of its time. A group of the finest actors and comedians of their day are in here. Utterly compelling, truly original. Wonderful."

Studio executives summary / pitch
Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Linda Fiorentino have agreed to play a couple of angels, and the distant niece of Jesus Christ respectively. Chris Rock, Alan Rickman, Jay and Silent Bob also star. (They were surprisingly cheap too.) Drinks all round.
What snack should I eat while watching this movie?

Any alcohol with two glasses. One with the alcohol in, drink and then spit out into the other glass.

Also popcorn - same deal, two bags, one for eating out of, one for spitting into.

Quotable quotes (real)

Loki to a Nun: "Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousand's of years ago and says do it and I'll f****** spank you."

Jay: "...they would have kicked your butts if I hadn't represented."

Jay: "You want to be my girlfriend? OK, well, Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent."

Could a cookery program be based on this plot?

Ever watched those cookery shows where someone eats a mouthful of the stuff they've just cooked and then look as if they are having a sort of deep throat orgasm? Trust us, they spit it out off camera just like our angel-heroes in this movie.

If I were to watch this on video/DVD how best should I sit?

In the position of 'about to worship at the alter of creative genius'.

Justify this movie's existence in the Classic Strand, by the Voice of Reason's Veritable Cornucopia

A consummate endeavor, peppered with perfectly directioned youthful vigor throughout

I am reliably informed the reason Silent Bob is so silent is that he is the director of this effort - he didn't want to have to learn his dialogue. Bravo for this laziness! And, what a perfect stooge to our Jay, a character as near to youthful, dropout perfection as makes any difference. Jay is doomed to head up a record company, or at least be something 'big' in the media, in the not too distant future.

This movie is truly wickedly wondrous. Not sure about the poop demon, which seems to have been added in there for its sheer grossness, but, that aside, the movie is as near to perfection as makes no difference. Enjoy, and tell all your friends.

Is there enough licky love in this film?

All of the main 'male' characters have no sexual bits. Like a Ken doll, as one character puts it.

Chris Rock is completely naked at one point, but we never get to see his willy, or even the dent it should have made in the road (he slams down from heaven, front first, in one of the best naked entrances in movie history).

How funny is this film?

You've got to love crude humor and sexual swear words. If you do, and have a healthy skepticism for religious dogma, then this movie truly rocks.

There are moments of true comedic inspiration here and too many to list, but to be going on with: the Metatron makes himself visible to Sloane in a curtain of flames in her bedroom - she puts him out with a fire extinguisher.

Jay and Silent Bob are inspired dead beats and we could watch them endlessly.

Suggest marketing tie-in products based on this movie
Movie popcorn (eaten/spat out by Affleck).
Air conditioning: Central Air - favored by Azrael - Jason Lee
Hocky sticks.
Millers Genuine Draft (Flashing light in this movie)
Does this film stand up to rigorous reality testing?

Hopefully...

Would the scary bits make your cat jump out of your lap causing scratch marks? Would your dog like it? Other pets?

Ben and Matt in a movie together? It's a dog dream movie, offering the prospects for long, athletic, walks with balls and sticks being thrown all over the place.

Nervous cats might be scared by the wings of the angels; if so give them a small bird to toy with until their confidence returns.

Animals that like wallowing in their own poop and spitting, will love the poop demon.

How much would you pay for a copy of this movie in goods.
We bought this movie on DVD for £4.99 in a sale ($7.98). Best fiver we've spent for ages.
Would this movie win awards for performances of the f-word?

Jay is world ranked in the f-word stakes. We would nominate him for a f-word Oscar for this effort.

Does the film attempt religious o babble? If so does this succeed?

Loads of complex religious jokes (at least we assume you have to know your religious dogma to really appreciate this movie the first time around - don't worry, on the third or fourth viewing you will be OK - and you will want to watch it that many times it is that good.)

Other comments

Utterly stunning, fantastic, brilliant, awesome. The whole series has been brilliantly original (Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back). If you are in the mood for a religious parody then this movie is for you. Rarely bettered.

If you are easily offended then probably best to avoid it, or why not use this movie to start to build a sense of humor on?

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