It is near the end of the second world war and Britain is starting to overwhelm the German U-boats. Yea! This is Nazi Germany's last ping-schlep-kerchunk-BANG!

Viewers who suffer from stress should avoid this very tense movie; animal lovers may feel disappointed by the complete lack of animals. Highly claustrophobic throughout. German language.

"A submarine bolt popping triumph!"

"I do love to hear Germans scream!"

"It'z alonk vey to Tippervary, It'zz a longgk vey to gooe!"

"I was invited to a smelly vision version of this movie to celebrate its 20th anniversary but I declined because I was sure it would have smelled like a whole room filled with sweaty/farty socks."

"...to zee hmm humm hmm hmmm ooooo, yumty tum, Tippevvary..."

"Even the Oscars should have got an Oscar for this movie."

"A few more jokes might have helped."

"Misses the inevitable sailor-on-sailor erotica, such a wasted opportunity. Gawd dammit!"

"Goot-bve Tippervary, hello Lezster Sqvare. It's a longk longk vey to Tippervary und meine heart stol-ther."

"Are they playing for laughs or what? A terrible comedic disappointment from start to finish."

After having early success in attacking British ships, they get hit and get 'holed'. However they find the hole, block it using German ingenuity, and float again. They manage to limp home into port but the Allied airforce bomb everything, and sink the U Boat again.

A botty numbing movie in which we get to witness German engineering coming to the surface, sinking, coming to the surface quickly once more, going below the surface quickly again, and then slowly limping up again before going down in a cloud of bubbles, like a very bombed really bad puppy, right at the end.

A claustrophobic journey into Nazidom, the likes we have rarely seen before. Has all of the unwashed dirty fingernail-edness one would expect, and, thankfully, we are saved from that horribly salty smelling 'muskiness' that such a man-soiled submarine under stress would undoubtedly ooze.

But, thankfully, those evilly ordinary Nazi's get their comeuppance, if indeed that is the correct phraseology of the bubbly-sinking at the end (godownance? Ho Hum!)

Some of the periscope scenes had one wondering if they had run out of money in the special effects department, presumably choosing to film that bit in a bath at home (but, thankfully, remembering to remove all plastic ducks before the camera rolled, although keeping in some of the bubbles). However, all-in-all this is a triumphantly moody production fully deserving of its proud position in world cinema.

When shown on British commercial television the fully uncut version ran for 3 3/4 hours. Whilst this, of course, included advertisements, this movie is only for those with the sternest of bottoms.

Can't remember seeing even one, although it was very dark and we did nod off to sleep during the quieter moments.

Submarine sized wiener's in hangar sized hot dog rolls.

In the about to depth charge position (a little like the Star Trek going to warp speed effect but this one is violently down.)

Homosexual viewers will be thoroughly angry at the lack of Homo-lust in this movie. However, there is some compensation to certain fetish viewers, when, at the beginning, an officer tells of being urinated on by a junior. Unfortunately we have to take his word for it as this is not shown (no, there's not even a damp leg!)

There is one laugh when it is suggested the crew will get awarded with half a bottle of beer, but that's about as belly laughing as it gets.

(A German friend did once tell us that the lighting in this movie is a German joke.)

There are just about enough greasy beards to give that feeling of 'unwashed greasiness' that the otherwise claustrophobic submarine could not 'project', but not too many to make the audience want to leave to go to the bathroom to have an all-over-the-head wash.

(Apparently, the dirty fingernails didn't show up well in the lighting.)

The only more claustrophobic thing they could have done in this movie would be to put in a big shaggy dog which urinates everywhere. Dog's will whimper uncontrollably throughout - make sure a door, or possibly a window is open (as long as you are not living in a high-rise flat, in which case secure him with a doggy sized parachute).

Cats will join the dog in whimpering, possibly choosing to pick on any pet ducks you may have watching this movie with you.

Pet ducks will quack happily throughout although will stop, looking to you for reassurance, during the periscope scenes.

Practice your butt clenching exercises in the standing and, more challengingly, sitting positions.

Force yourself to stand up during any intermission or you could lose the feeling in your legs. DO NOT WEAR HEAVY SHOES.

Resist the temptation to tell that German language joke you were told on holiday last year with the rude German word in it, unless an old, very religious, German language speaker is within earshot.

An extremely long and claustrophobic movie. Very tense, although, obviously, you never really want our heroes to succeed. You may feel like a long soak in the tub afterwards, although make sure all the windows are open to avoid flashback type incidents.

We saw the German language version, apparently there is a dubbed English version which we are told is quite good. We couldn't comment.