Gerard Depardieu as Cyrano de Bergerac, the renowned bulbous snozzled warrior.

Classic French masterpiece of, initially, unspoken, and then, finally, on death's door, croaked, love.

"I had a nose like that once but it was pulled off in a fight. Come on Cyrano are you hard or wot?"

"NO NO NO! That nose looks good! The original Cyrano's nose was supposed to look more like a duckbilled platypus! Call me an extremist, but damn the director and damn any other snozzle damned person responsible for this monstrosity. Bloody hell fire, kill whoever made this long, but wonderfully pointy, nosed bollocks. I want my money back. Even I fancied Depardieu - and I've still got the metal weights tied to my genitalia - and, YES, IT'S HELL when I go through a metal detector! And don't get me started on Steve Martin's version as I'm about to hit someone!!!"

"A poetry filled wonder of a movie. I can hardly wait for the interactive DVD version of this movie to find out what the hell they are all talking about."

"Bitch, you know I'm a cultured kind of guy. I've watched Ally McBeal, I've even watched a couple of episodes of Sex and the City (but please don't tell the guys at the squash club that). I used to beat up guys who wrote poetry at school (they went down so hard it was almost like they were pulled down by an X-Files type phenomenon). Now I'm supposed to believe this guy, who looks a match even for me, writes poetry? I can't believe how shit-ily unbelievable this movie is. Damn!"

"Not since the last time I saw Diane on Cheers have I heard such dialogue. A credible alternative to talking all posh."

"It reminds me of a porn movie I watched once. "The guy with two dicks". I know I stole this idea from Steve Martin's Roxanne, but you know what I mean. One for the memory archive for the old age home."

"Gerard Depardieu you do not play the English speaking bumbling fool in this movie, were you miscast?"

Cyrano de Bergerac falls in love with his cousin (Roxane) - he does not tell her of his feelings as he is ugly.

A good looking fighter comes along who falls for Roxane, and she finds him attractive. It is a love based on physical attraction and the belief that he is a poet (which he is not). She loves poetry and the good looking guy cannot write it.

Cyrano helps him woo her in a number of classic scenes - a memorable one is where Cyrano talks on behalf of the goodlooker, hidden by trees, and Roxane is on a balcony not able to see who is talking. The poetry woos her, and the good looking guy gets her. The boys go off to war. During the war, Cyrano keeps up correspondence with her writing it as the other guy, but the other guy gets killed - he has told Roxane everything.

Cyrano has made many enemies - inevitably they attack, fatally wounding him with a blow (a dropped beam) to the head. Knowing that he is dying, he goes to his cousin and she tells him she knows what has been going on. He dies.

Oh, joy of joys. Oh, wonder of wonders. Whilst the production is perfectly sumptuous and the acting fine, it is the dialogue that is the star of the piece. My High School French came back to help me no end, although one's eyes kept straying, like a bad puppy, to the subtitles perchanced at the bottom of the screen.

The magnificence of the piece is all that one sees when one gets into the marvelous dialogue in which our super-schnozzled-philosopher-fighter-good-guy justifies his world with humor and the manly thrusting of body parts, sometimes enhanced with a metal sword.

Bravo! Bravo! and Bravo! again. Bravo indeed for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, Depardieu does not look as ugly as perhaps he should, but that is the only thing that disappoints...

The best foreign language movie of the last century or my name is not Pierre de Balfour un Bullockol III.

Fine wine, and anything spicy on French bread.

Naturalists paradise - fully naked volleyball version.

In the position of before Dinner grace.

As the theme of the piece is the non consumption of love there is no room. Sex be gone - you oily beast of lust!

This is a definitive dog movie - it brings out the sensitive side of dogs. All dogs, but particularly ones which need to have muzzles put on them when in public, will relate to Cyrano instinctively, especially the end which is sad.

Cats will prefer to annoy the dog who will become incredibly grumpy if distracted.

Small furry animals will like the scenery, as they instinctively like to play by the riverside.

S.O.T. seems to annoy one of Cyrano's competitors early on in the movie but we don't know what this means.

A truly wonderful movie. If you are OK with subtitles, and like a Shakespeare type experience on the intelligence scale of things, then this is for you.