Studio executives summary / pitch
|
| Chariot!
Chariot! Chariot! Toga!
Toga! Toga! |
Short plot
summary |
|
Jewish Prince
Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) is betrayed by Roman 'friend'. He gets sent into
slavery but ingratiates himself with a powerful officer. He comes back looking
for revenge... |
Rating |
| Moments
of body armor, shouting, manly hugs, manly sweating while rowing boats, chariot
racing, dust, sunny skies. |
What our
panel of critics thought |
|
"Won
just about every award going when it was released, including the numb botty award
- There's around 3 and a half hours of it!" "Oh,
what an exciting movie! But who on earth was that long haired hippy do gooder?
No good will become of him I feel sure." "Sadly
lacking in song and berry fruits." "Oh,
joy, he wins in the end, but, my, what a slow coach! Surely he could have done
it in under 2 hours if he was really trying?" "Three
and a half hours? This is simply not long enough! I am awaiting, with braced botty,
for the fully restored directors cut with all the deleted scenes!" "A
Roman epic peppered with dimpled chins throughout. The demand for upper body male
nudity is well served, however calf muscles seem to have been forgotten about
entirely, was this an oversight, or was the screen just not tall enough?" "I
am sure they saved a fortune by using those models in the boat battle scenes.
If I hadn't sneaked in the backdoor to see this movie I would ask for my money
back." |
Please tell me the ending
|
| Judas
Ben-Hur saves his enslaver, Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins), and is adopted as his
son, giving him considerable wealth and influence, albeit temporarily. However,
Ben-Hur does not have a job - Pontius Pilot is about to take over as head of security,
a job Ben-Hur wanted. Judas
goes in search of his relatives who have been banished to work the land as lepers.
He finds them. He finds comfort in the teachings of Christ and is ultimately a
witness to Christ's execution - he gives Christ water as he stumbles with his
cross in the same way Christ gave him water (thus presumably prolonging his agony
while on the cross... doh!). |
Justify
this movie's existence in the classic strand. From
theVoiceof Reason.com's Veritable Cornucopia |
|
Oh,
Gladiatorial botty numbing dream of a movie! Come hither and cop a look at my
nicely toned upper body, and that of my mate Buzz's! A sumptuous movie, filled
with every single detail known to the director of the day. This
magnificent banquet of cinema could quite easily have bled its studio dry - but,
even so, when they released it, it ran for 3 and a half hours! - it is simply
amazing that the crowds managed to bring themselves to tell their friends to go
see it... This 'worthy' gamble seems to have paid off. Did they offer comfy cushions
to the audience of the day? It certainly cleaned up at the awards. That
Jesus Christ touched the lives of people of the time by just being kind is really
the spirit of the movie, and this pulls us through the excruciating botty pain
in the last hour, which had, in fact, spread to my lower back by then (I had started
doing my in-long-haul-flight exercises by this time, by the way!) Certainly
a marvelous movie, and, presumably, the director, William Wyler, will tell you
it is as long as it has to be. On watching it for this review I saw it in two
chunks and fast forwarded through the bits I thought I could get away with - this
is why I am not 100% sure who the two women are he hugs at the end, but I assume
they are his relatives from the beginning of the movie, although that was over
3 hours ago now, and I really need to pee if you will excuse me... |
Quotable
quotes (real) |
"Let
me tell you what happened - it was an accident!" "Does
that interest you Number 41?" |
If
I were to watch this at home how best should I sit? |
|
In the sitting
with your arms tied to a really weak wooden cane holding your arms in a crucifix
position so you can jam it in a door to break free the moment nobody's looking. |
Could this
movie be improved with more gladiatorial homo erotica? |
| A
couple of bathroom scenes, but nothing to upset the 1959 movie going audience
who had yet to be introduced to the manly front bottom on the big screen. Charlton
Heston, for all of his grinning charm, never shows off his willy or even, for
that matter, the top of his botty-cheeks. A disappointment, but not wholly unexpected. |
How over emotional
is this film? |
|
There is some
excellent acting by everyone apart from Heston but he makes up for this with his
prize winning grin. If
you enjoy watching actors gritting their teeth while grinning, then this movie
is the one for you - presumably Heston was being sponsored by a toothpaste manufacturer
at the time. |
Would your
pets enjoy this movie? |
|
Dogs
like Gladiator movies of any type as the weather is always perfect for a walk.
They are also reminded that dog leads, at this time in history, were either totally
breakable, or were so bulky owners could never carry them home in the first place
- yes this is generally believed to a golden age of doggy freedom, although without
the delicious canned food which came later. Cats
are not impressed by body armor as they know how painful it is to be patted on
an over enthusiastic armored cat lovers chest (and it really isn't fair that bruises
don't show up under fur so they can't look tough down the alley afterwards). Cockatoos
may learn some of the more complicated Heston dialogue. |
What can I take from this movie to make me a better muscly man?
|
| Being
a successful muscly man is mostly about poise. Pull in that stomach and firm up
the chest (do not force the chest out as this can make you look like an inflatable
man with valve trouble). Semi
naked muscly men with a coating of oil always look good - it is like an instant
sweat so it makes them look like they have just done something incredibly athletic,
even though he may only have just eaten grapes. Muscly
men on horseback are always attractive. Oily muscly men on horseback, however,
are sometimes even more attractive, although the oil can make them lose their
grip, making them very unattractive, especially if they are forced by circumstances
to cling on at 90 degree angles to the perpendicular. |
Is there enough sack type material clothes in this movie? |
| Yes,
they must have saved a fortune on the clothing budget. This, of course, was part
of the attraction of Gladiator movies for costumiers of the day - cheap sack clothing.
Also,
if the worst came to the worst and they ran out of material (or they had spent
the money given to them on partying) they could make the characters go bare chested
and nobody would be any the wiser. |
How much would
you pay for a copy of this movie in goods? |
|
An authentic
feathery Roman hat with all the feathers standing up straight (or five hats with
the feathers all over the place). |
Is there any time for red hot pash in this movie? |
|
A reasonable
amount of 1959 red hot movie passion is allowed (regretfully that just means:
You put your lips on mine, DON'T MOVE THEM! YES,
THAT'S RIGHT, NO LIP WOBBLE AT ALL! AND
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTH! - let the orchestra make up
for the lusty bits, thanks Chuck!) |
Other comments
|
| A
very long movie, one that successfully deals with man's inhumanity to man (that
can also read: A director's inhumanity to his audience's bottoms). An
intriguing cameo from Jesus who is on hand throughout to help our hero in his
darkest hours. |
Date of Review |
| June
23, 2003. |