Jewish Prince Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) is betrayed by Roman 'friend'. He gets sent into slavery but ingratiates himself with a powerful officer. He comes back looking for revenge...

"Won just about every award going when it was released, including the numb botty award - There's around 3 and a half hours of it!"

"Oh, what an exciting movie! But who on earth was that long haired hippy do gooder? No good will become of him I feel sure."

"Sadly lacking in song and berry fruits."

"Oh, joy, he wins in the end, but, my, what a slow coach! Surely he could have done it in under 2 hours if he was really trying?"

"Three and a half hours? This is simply not long enough! I am awaiting, with braced botty, for the fully restored directors cut with all the deleted scenes!"

"A Roman epic peppered with dimpled chins throughout. The demand for upper body male nudity is well served, however calf muscles seem to have been forgotten about entirely, was this an oversight, or was the screen just not tall enough?"

"I am sure they saved a fortune by using those models in the boat battle scenes. If I hadn't sneaked in the backdoor to see this movie I would ask for my money back."

Judas Ben-Hur saves his enslaver, Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins), and is adopted as his son, giving him considerable wealth and influence, albeit temporarily.

However, Ben-Hur does not have a job - Pontius Pilot is about to take over as head of security, a job Ben-Hur wanted.

Judas goes in search of his relatives who have been banished to work the land as lepers. He finds them. He finds comfort in the teachings of Christ and is ultimately a witness to Christ's execution - he gives Christ water as he stumbles with his cross in the same way Christ gave him water (thus presumably prolonging his agony while on the cross... doh!).

Oh, Gladiatorial botty numbing dream of a movie! Come hither and cop a look at my nicely toned upper body, and that of my mate Buzz's! A sumptuous movie, filled with every single detail known to the director of the day.

This magnificent banquet of cinema could quite easily have bled its studio dry - but, even so, when they released it, it ran for 3 and a half hours! - it is simply amazing that the crowds managed to bring themselves to tell their friends to go see it... This 'worthy' gamble seems to have paid off. Did they offer comfy cushions to the audience of the day? It certainly cleaned up at the awards.

That Jesus Christ touched the lives of people of the time by just being kind is really the spirit of the movie, and this pulls us through the excruciating botty pain in the last hour, which had, in fact, spread to my lower back by then (I had started doing my in-long-haul-flight exercises by this time, by the way!)

Certainly a marvelous movie, and, presumably, the director, William Wyler, will tell you it is as long as it has to be. On watching it for this review I saw it in two chunks and fast forwarded through the bits I thought I could get away with - this is why I am not 100% sure who the two women are he hugs at the end, but I assume they are his relatives from the beginning of the movie, although that was over 3 hours ago now, and I really need to pee if you will excuse me...

In the sitting with your arms tied to a really weak wooden cane holding your arms in a crucifix position so you can jam it in a door to break free the moment nobody's looking.

A couple of bathroom scenes, but nothing to upset the 1959 movie going audience who had yet to be introduced to the manly front bottom on the big screen.

Charlton Heston, for all of his grinning charm, never shows off his willy or even, for that matter, the top of his botty-cheeks. A disappointment, but not wholly unexpected.

There is some excellent acting by everyone apart from Heston but he makes up for this with his prize winning grin.

If you enjoy watching actors gritting their teeth while grinning, then this movie is the one for you - presumably Heston was being sponsored by a toothpaste manufacturer at the time.

Dogs like Gladiator movies of any type as the weather is always perfect for a walk. They are also reminded that dog leads, at this time in history, were either totally breakable, or were so bulky owners could never carry them home in the first place - yes this is generally believed to a golden age of doggy freedom, although without the delicious canned food which came later.

Cats are not impressed by body armor as they know how painful it is to be patted on an over enthusiastic armored cat lovers chest (and it really isn't fair that bruises don't show up under fur so they can't look tough down the alley afterwards).

Cockatoos may learn some of the more complicated Heston dialogue.

Being a successful muscly man is mostly about poise. Pull in that stomach and firm up the chest (do not force the chest out as this can make you look like an inflatable man with valve trouble).

Semi naked muscly men with a coating of oil always look good - it is like an instant sweat so it makes them look like they have just done something incredibly athletic, even though he may only have just eaten grapes.

Muscly men on horseback are always attractive. Oily muscly men on horseback, however, are sometimes even more attractive, although the oil can make them lose their grip, making them very unattractive, especially if they are forced by circumstances to cling on at 90 degree angles to the perpendicular.

Yes, they must have saved a fortune on the clothing budget. This, of course, was part of the attraction of Gladiator movies for costumiers of the day - cheap sack clothing.

Also, if the worst came to the worst and they ran out of material (or they had spent the money given to them on partying) they could make the characters go bare chested and nobody would be any the wiser.

An authentic feathery Roman hat with all the feathers standing up straight (or five hats with the feathers all over the place).

A reasonable amount of 1959 red hot movie passion is allowed (regretfully that just means: You put your lips on mine, DON'T MOVE THEM! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, NO LIP WOBBLE AT ALL! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTH! - let the orchestra make up for the lusty bits, thanks Chuck!)

A very long movie, one that successfully deals with man's inhumanity to man (that can also read: A director's inhumanity to his audience's bottoms).

An intriguing cameo from Jesus who is on hand throughout to help our hero in his darkest hours.

June 23, 2003.